


Invisible Amongst Sticky Notes

by LunaMaye



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Control Issues, Cutting, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Secret Relationship, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 81,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22052785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaMaye/pseuds/LunaMaye
Summary: After being viciously attacked and on the brink of death Eddward takes his life into his own hands. No more allowing other people to control his pain. When a certain redhead gets involved things become more complicated. Is Eddward worthy of being saved or will he drown everyone who gets too close.
Relationships: Edd "Double D" & Kevin, Edd "Double D"/Kevin
Comments: 28
Kudos: 83





	1. Painful Reminiscence

He leapt with a fear of falling. He hit the ground harder than he imagined, but the pain wasn't enough. He needed more. He craved for more. He didn't have a family. Well, if you count sticky notes of encouragement then he had an army marching along the walls of his childhood home. From chores and grocery lists to words of endearment that screamed about love which never seemed to reach his ears. Parents were supposed to be there for these times. Times when he thought all was lost.

He battled depression in his head on a daily basis, but he lived his life blissfully unaware. He was familiar with a daily routine which helped to keep him sane. Wake up. Do his chores. Follow Eddy into the depths of mayhem with a new scheme that was bound to work this time. Then crash and burn and watch as everyone laughed. Eddy always blamed him for the failed inventions. They were his after all. If Ed actually possessed a brain he was sure he would think the same. He was the intellectual one amongst the Eds. He was able to portray a happy persona and live as if everything was okay, but that would soon fail. He knew how Ed and Eddy ticked and he also knew what they expected of him, which is why he was able to deceive them so easily. Maybe that's why he finally snapped.

He was always a nerd, a dork, that's what the cul-de-sac kids called him anyway. Double Dweeb. Double Dork. Double Dee. Every name except for the one which he honed in on as his identity, Edward Vincent. His childhood bullies brought him to this point, his parents and friends too for that matter. The point where he just couldn't take it anymore. There was one distinct day when it all changed and he would never forget. It was the summer after their freshman year of high school.

Eddward was both unsettled and elated at the end of the school year. For one he no longer had to deal with the high school bullies. The jocks of the football team and the basketball team troubled him most. Always harassing him and cornering him. More than a dozen times he was caught by his fellow Eds sporting a black eye which he told them not to worry about.

The pain always hurt, but in a twisted sort of way, he liked it. It reminded him that he was alive.

Eddy was always pissed off and offered to fight his battles, but Eddward always declined the gesture. More violence would never solve anything. Ed, on the other hand, would cry and hug him and tell him how he would bring him gravy to make everything okay and to Eddward's distaste he always did.

Thankfully the high school bullies didn't live in the cul-de-sac. Only his normal bully Kevin, but Kevin's attention was almost always placed on Eddy. Eddward was only involved when the scheme directly affected Kevin. But on July the fourth the other bullies found him.

Nazz had thrown a fourth of July party in her backyard and everyone including the Eds attended. The only people outside of the cul-de-sac kids were a few of Nazz's friends from school. Edward noted one of them as a cheerleader and the other one was a member of the hockey team.

The night was full of merriment and food. There was almost no fighting except when Eddy and Kevin got into an arm wrestling contest which resulted in an all-out brawl, but it all ended in good fun.

Once the festivities were over the Eds left and headed toward Eddy's house for a sleepover. Once they got there however, Eddy's mother was waiting angrily outside. Apparently Eddy had neglected to tell his friends that he had been skipping his summer school classes and his mom canceled their plans. Begrudgingly, Eddy made his was inside. Ed began to wail uncontrollably, he was looking forward to watching the newest zombie chicken warrior movie based on his favorite comic. Eddward tried to console him and in the end walked him home to make sure his friend was safe.

Once Ed was tucked securely away in his room he began his somber walk to his own home. The walk was short and quiet and Eddward lost himself to the rhythm of his own steps. He rarely walked alone at night, but when he did it gave him time to reflect on his thoughts. Once his house was in sight he quickened his pace, but then stopped short when he realized there was an unknown vehicle parked outside of his house.

He looked around and noticed all around the cul-de-sac there were a couple of other cars which appeared out of the ordinary. Well, it was a holiday after all. He supposed relatives of other families probably came by to visit. It was known among the cul-de-sac that his parents were rarely ever home so it was possible someone was told they could park here. It wouldn't be an inconvenience to him at least since he didn't have a car.

He made his way past the car and noticed a decal of his high school mascot on one of the windows. He frowned. That was odd. As he went to climb the first step of his porch stairs he heard one of the car doors open. He froze before he could take a step. He was unable to move or take another breath. Someone emerged from the car and started to walk towards him. The opening of a second and third car door immediately followed. He tried to control his breathing. If fear actually produced an aroma he was positive he reeked of terror. A strong arm clamped down around his shoulders and pulled him in close.

"Sup dork?" Came the stench of booze filled words.

He said nothing as he silently looked up at the first of his tormentors for the night, but was met with amber eyes and a black face mask. Dread filled his veins and clogged them like a blocked pipe ready to burst. He felt the first bits of sweat perspiring from beneath his beanie.

"What? Got nothing to say? Here I thought maybe you'd wanna come party with us," said the same deep voice.

When Eddward finally found his voice he tried to reason. Maybe if he kindly declined they would leave him alone. "I g-graciously thank you for the invite, but it is r-rather late. Perhaps another t-time?" He barely managed to say.

He was yanked back by the sturdy arm and pushed towards the open car door. He stumbled but caught himself before he fell in. His lungs burned and every breath made his chest rattle with dread. His knees were buckling. He'd been bullied and picked on his entire life, but this was a completely different threat. He'd been afraid before, but his type of fear was an entirely foreign experience. Was this truly happening to him right now?

"It wasn't a question punk," came another voice and just like that he was shoved roughly into the car.

The man with the amber eyes got into the driver seat and started the engine while the two others sandwiched him in the backseat. The man in front angled the rearview mirror so their eyes could lock.

"Don't look so scared kid, we're gunna have a great time."

Suddenly Eddy's ringtone went off in his ear and he was brought back to the present day. He moaned and rubbed the top of his head below his beanie effectively smearing a sticky wet substance along his forehead. He groaned as he brought his arm back down to inspect the damage. He was sitting on his bathroom floor with his back pressed against the side of the tub. His uninjured arm ached from the awkward position of being draped behind him into the tub. He brought it out and stretched it as he tried to revive the muscle. He looked back to his other arm. There was a neat slit along his wrist which mirrored the scarred remains of his past work. He smiled to himself as he pressed his fingers to the thin line and watched as a tiny bead of blood pooled before dripping down to meet its eminent demise on his bathroom floor.

Once again the blaring sound of Eddy's ringtone jarred him out of his melancholy thoughts and he picked himself up off of the floor. He grabbed a white towel from the sink and wrapped his wrist before making his way into his room. Even though he allowed these types of acts to happen there would never be any evidence in his own room. He would be dammed if there was a single blood stain on his rug. Once again his phone started blaring and he reluctantly answered. He took a moment to compose himself before he leveled his words.

"Greetings Eddy, to what do I owe the unwanted disturbance?" He deadpanned.

"What the fuck Sockhead! I've been calling for the past ten minutes," came the angry response of his short-tempered, loudmouth of a friend.

"Your language is atrocious as always Eddy. I suggest you proceed to the point of your call," he sighed.

On the other end of the line, he could hear Eddy huff in annoyance to which Edd gave a side smirk.

"Damn you, Dee," Eddy took a moment before continuing. He sighed which made Eddward raise an eyebrow even though he knew his friend would not see it, "those guys are getting out in a few weeks," he finally said.

Eddward's heart descended inside his chest. He was sure it fell down into the pit of his abdomen and sank amongst the stomach acid. A familiar tremble ran along his nerves as visions of his memories replayed in his mind. He almost forgot Eddy was still on the phone. He took a deep breath before responding, "I see. Is that all?" he questioned trying to keep the fear out of his voice.

"Well yeah- I just," Eddy sighed," just be careful Sockhead. Ed and me are here. We're not going anywhere."

"Ed and I," Eddward absently corrected. Eddy growled on the other end, "I'll be fine Eddy, but I thank you for the concern. I'm not the person I once was."

Eddy grumbled again before continuing, "I know that. But still-ugh. What are you doing anyway? Ed and me- Ed and I are going to watch Zombie Robot Farm Chicken People- I don't fucking know the title. You wanna come over?"

Edd straightened up and looked down at his wrist as he peeled the towel off. The wound had ceased bleeding. He grabbed one of his black track sweat bands and placed it over the slit hiding it and it's relatives perfectly, "yes, I accept your invitation. I shall be by momentarily," he answered without enthusiasm and ended the call without waiting for Eddy to say anything in return.

He set the phone down on his dresser and walked to his bed to retrieve the clothes he had been wearing earlier. When he awoke from his time spent in his bathroom he was only clad in his boxers. He pulled on his tight black skinny jeans and secured his black studded belt. He grabbed his wallet which was lying beside it and deposited it into his back pocket and then clamped the chain, connecting it to his belt. He then pulled his skin tight grey shirt on and started to exit his room grabbing his phone as he went.

He passed the bathroom and peered in momentarily before shutting the light off but leaving the door open. It wasn't like his parents would be returning anytime soon and even if they did, so what? He would return to a sticky note about it littered amongst the others. It would blend in and be forgotten just like the ones that had the words "love" or "miss" on them.

As he made his way down the stairs he grabbed his black, leather coat and heaved it on. He zipped it part way up as he made his way to the front door. Before he left, like he always did, he looked at himself in the full-length mirror which he positioned near his front door. Seeing his reflection helped him reassure himself that he could fool everyone else. As he gazed at his reflection he caught sight of the blood smeared across his forehead and wiped it with his armband and then pulled his beanie down. No evidence.

There was a single sticky note on the border surrounding the mirror. It was the only one amongst the hundreds that occupied his home that he had written. He had written it back when he realized he would need to fool the world as long as he lived if only so he wouldn't have to face his inner demons. As he always did before he left the house he read it aloud to himself.

"It's okay not to be okay."


	2. In Control

To say that Eddward had better things to accomplish besides watching Mutant Ninja Chicken Zombies was an understatement. Oh, the things he tolerated to keep up his social life. He didn't particularly enjoy any movie the three Eds ever watched, but he always endured it for Ed's sake. He glanced to his left to see Ed effectively suffocating a couch cushion with one arm while concurrently biting on the sleeve of his other arm and drooling... a lot.

Ed hadn't changed much since his childhood days. He was taller now, a little over six feet. He started working out and joined the school's wrestling team. Wrestling gave Ed an outlet for his bone-crushing hugs and as long as his grades remained average he was able to hug the life out of his competitors. Eddward often went to his matches to cheer his old friend on. The pure joy in Ed's face whenever Eddward or Eddy were in the stands mirrored that of a child on Christmas morning.

Eddward stretched his muscles and then resumed his slouch on Eddy's horribly upholstered couch. He rested his elbow on the arm of the couch and let his face slump into his palm as his mind lost focus of the movie and effectively began to drift. He hadn't bandaged his wrist properly before he left and it stung beneath his sweatband. He usually disinfected his creations and bandaged them, but the news he'd received from Eddy earlier disrupted his normal routine.

A gasp from Ed broke him from his thoughts and he swiveled his head to peer at the tallest of them. Ed had been sitting on the edge of the couch with anticipation as the movie reached the climax and he fell when the suspense finally broke. He didn't move from his new position on the floor as he continued to gaze on into the magical world of deceased zombie farm life.

"Dumbass," came the snide remark from the shortest member of the group.

Eddward rolled his eyes until they finally fell upon Eddy. Although he was still short he had grown a foot since they began high school, but amongst the Eds, his height was still lingering in the shallow end. He was still a bit overweight, but his hair had filled in more. Unlike Eddward and Ed, Eddy didn't partake in any school activities. Instead, he followed after his brother and started working at the local auto shop part-time afterschool and on the weekends. Even if he wanted to join a sport his grades wouldn't permit him to do so. Eddward had tried in the past to tutor him, but Eddy didn't care about school and refused on every occasion.

Eddy had been extremely quiet the whole night. Ed had been sitting in the middle of the three for the duration of the film and only now could Eddward see that Eddy was deep in conversation on his phone. His face was screwed up as his fingers jumbled across the keyboard until he finally hit the send button. Eddward couldn't see the conversation from the distance, but judging by his friend's relaxed features once a new message came through he had a hunch of whom the schemer was texting.

"Please inform Nazz that I offer her my sincerest condolences," Eddward said slyly and watched as Eddy's head snapped in his direction, his face twisted in anger. Eddy and Nazz's relationship was a private one. No one was supposed to know or was meant to find out for that matter. They had only been exclusive for roughly six weeks and during that time Eddy had sought out Eddward for help.

Back in his adolescent days he would pretend to be a big shot and a ladies' man, but when it came to Nazz, he wanted to do things right. Nazz was different from the other girls, she was worth everything. So one night he called Eddward for advice and that was that. Nazz wasn't too upset when she found out. She trusted Eddward, he wasn't the type to go around and gossip, but to be fair Nazz also told her best friend, Kevin. A smile graced his lips as he thought of Kevin.

Eddward must have zoned out again because he was bombarded from his thoughts by a pillow to the face. He let out and "umf," as he gazed upon his attacker with venom in his eyes. He shifted his weight so he could fix his beanie and resumed its position atop his head. He no longer wore it as far back as he once had, choosing rather to have it almost hide his eyebrows with its close proximity to his eyes.

"Fuck off, Sockhead, where do you get off insulting Nazz and then ignoring me," Eddy lectured as he stood on his end of the couch with one hand gripping his phone while the other was clenched in a fist.

Eddward chuckled at the misunderstanding. It continuously baffled him how after all these years, Eddy still couldn't understand his massive vocabulary. "Quite the contrary, Eddy. I was offering Nazz my sympathy for having to converse with you," he answered and watched as Eddy's eyebrows twitched, "if you still can't comprehend then let me dumb it down a bit. I was mocking you."

And with those final words Eddy lunged.

He grabbed Eddward and they toppled over the edge of the couch onto the hardwood floor below them. Eddy straddled Eddward on the floor as he held his hands above his head. "Take it back Sockheaad," he scowled.

Eddward smiled and shook his head as he attempted to roll them so he could free himself. Eddy squeezed his wrists harder and Edd winced as he felt his cut begin to bleed beneath his friend's death grip. His face twisted not from the pain, but from the fear of Eddy ever catching him... again. He positioned his feet against the couch and pushed which caused Eddy to lose his balance. The short one fell over and landed chest down on the floor. Eddward rolled over and crawled on top of Eddy pinning his arm behind his back and pushing as high as he dared between his shoulders. At that moment Eddy's phone began to ring and both boys looked up to see it sitting a few feet away, but just out of reach. Eddy cursed which earned him a triumphant "hmf" from Eddward.

"I believe an apology is in order Eddy."

"Damnit Dee, get off," Eddy yelled as he struggled beneath Eddward's grasp trying desperately to reach his phone, "I'm not apologizing for nothing. You're an ass."

Eddward hovered down next to Eddy's ear as the phone stopped ringing, "Nazz probably thinks you're ignoring her," he said trying to egg on his friend.

Once more the phone started ringing its familiar chime and the two watched as Ed reached down and picked up the phone. Eddward turned quickly to look at the television before setting his eyes back on Ed. He hadn't even heard Ed walk across the floor. In his distraction, Eddy was able to rip his arm out from Eddward's grasp and clambered from the floor to Ed who was starting a conversation with Nazz. Eddward sat back against the couch and rubbed his wrist. He peered beneath the sweat band momentarily and noticed there was only a little blood which he was thankful for.

"Hiya Nazz," Ed clamored into the phone, "This is Ed! Eddy and Double Dee were fighting on the floor and we were watching Mutant Ninja Space Chicken Return of the Zombies," he declared happily into the speaker.

"Gimme my phone you giant lummox. She didn't call for you," Eddy roared as he tried to grab his phone from Ed.

"But Eddy," Ed whined. His face scrunched up before he gave a lopsided smile, "Nazz says she does want to talk to me," Ed proclaimed as he ran from Eddy into the kitchen with the phone in hand, "Nazz the chicken was bigger than a tree and the mutant-" Ed's voice trailed off.

Eddy fell back onto the floor and leant his head against his closet door. Eddward sniggered across from him and his head shot up to glare at the reason his phone had been stolen. Eddy was about to start yelling, but seeing Eddward truly laugh made him start to laugh and before long both were laughing like idiots on the floor. When the laughing finally deceased Eddward began to readjust his track band and winced as he did. The slight notion wasn't overlooked by Eddy, "You good, Dee?"

Eddward looked up and forced a half smile, "I'm fine Eddy. I bent it when you gracelessly tackled me to the floor," he absentmindedly answered as he still clutched his injured wrist.

There was an uncomfortable silence nestled between the two. Eddward inwardly hoped Eddy would drop the subject. He chanced a look at his short-statured friend and saw fear crawling behind his eyes. Eddy sat with his jaw slightly open in shock before he finally spoke.

"What's wrong with your wrist Edd?" He asked calmly as he stood. His eyes never once left Eddward's wrist. He scrunched his fingers into tight, white-knuckled fists as he made his way over to Eddward. "You fucking promised me, Dee," his words were laced with anger with an underlying tone of fear.

Eddward stood before Eddy reached him and shoved his hands in the pockets of his pants. His eyes were trapped on the floor as he tried to reign in his composure. Eddy wasn't the smartest person, but reading Eddward was one of his specialties. He steadied his breathing before he finally locked eyes with his friend. Eddy's angry stance was on the edge of crumbling. There was nothing, but fear and hurt trapped behind that angry gaze. Possibly a hint of betrayal too.

"As I previously stated Eddy. I bent-"

"Dee you fucking promised me that you-"

"I promised you that I would never lose control again, Eddy. And to that promise I have remained faithful!" Edward bellowed out more angrily than he had wished. Eddy's face softened as he sighed and looked away no longer able to hold Eddward's menacing look. Eddward's shoulders slumped as his friend stared at the floor.

When he had first started cutting Eddy was the first to realize something was wrong. One night he caught Eddward in the act and for the first time ever Eddward saw Eddy genuinely cry. It was a memory that pained him and he promised Eddy that he would never lose control again. He hadn't broken that promise either. The first time he cut it wasn't as coordinated. He did it in hopes of releasing some pent up pain. Back then control escaped him, but now. Now he controlled every cut. Every move. Every drop of blood. All the pain was under his control. That night two years ago had changed him. He vowed he would never let another control his pain again. If he was going to hurt he would control how much pain was dealt and how much blood would spill. It was all calculated and precise. He was in control.

Eddy's voice came as a soft whisper tearing him from his thoughts, "don't you ever break that promise."

Eddy looked broken in Eddward's eyes. He sighed and began to turn, but Eddward's hand fell upon his shoulder preventing him from doing so. "I promise you I won't."

Eddy surprised them both when he reached out and hugged Eddward. Eddward remained still for a moment before the shock wore off and he returned the gesture. The two stood there in an awkward embrace until Ed's loud mouth brought them back to reality.

"Nazz they're hugging! And they didn't invite me!" Ed cried as he hung up the phone and shoved it into his pocket. He ran into the room and scooped the both of them up. He twirled them in a circle with Eddy's angry protests doing nothing to stop him.

With one final squeeze Ed released them and Eddy punched him in the side. Ed reached into his pocket and retrieved Eddy's phone. Eddy snatched it back quickly as Ed looked at them both. His head toppled to the side like that of a dog's in confusion. His eyes squinted as he stared at his two friends, his mind desperately trying to comprehend what had happened.

"You guys hugged without me," came his simple words.

"Get over it Lumpy, it was nothing," Eddy chimed as he started texting Nazz. His face scrunched up as he read her newest message to him, "You invited Nazz over?" He asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Nazz said she likes chickens," Ed declared as his eyes crossed and his tongue fell out of his mouth.

The doorbell rang and Ed screamed, "Nazz!" as he ran to the door.

Eddy's eyes fell back on Eddward. His features softened, "you'd tell me if- you know-" his eyes trailed off, but Eddward already knew what his friend was implying.

"Yes, Eddy," he answered, "I rarely see you this soft. I thought only Nazz had that effect on you." He answered trying to lighten the mood.

"Stuff it Sockhead," he answered, and looked to his front door, which had been closed behind Ed. "Come on. The idiot let himself out instead of inviting Nazz in."

The two made their way to the door and Eddy opened it. They both stepped outside to see Ed jumping up and down in exhilaration about the movie. Nazz was listening intently with one hand covering her mouth as she tried to stifle her giggles at Ed's antics. Nazz no longer sported her short blonde bob choosing instead to grow her hair out. It now curled in loose waves reaching halfway down her back. Next to Nazz stood Kevin.

He had all his weight pushed to one side with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. He still wore the same red cap turned backward, but beneath his hat hid short red hair. His bangs still poked through. He was on the football team and he did weightlifting in his downtime. Eddward could see his muscles even under his hoodie. He smiled to himself, but it quickly vanished when he felt the waves of jealously rolling off the person to his left. Eddy was seething.

Once Ed had finally calmed down Nazz looked away from him and her eyes shone brightly as they fell on Eddy. She jogged the rest of the way up the porch stairs and hugged him. Eddward sidestepped to give them room.

"What's Jockstrap doing here?" he asked angrily.

Nazz frowned as she pulled away from their hug."We were hanging out. Besides, it's almost midnight, Eddy. He walked me over."

"Yeah, so you should be thanking me, dork," Kevin replied with a devilish smirk.

"Whatever," he mumbled under his breath.

Kevin smiled at that and it sent a wave of warmth sailing through Eddward's veins. The years had treated Kevin well. He was no longer a bully except to Eddy, but in all honesty, Eddy deserved it. Many of the pranks he'd developed over the years held Kevin as the center target. With Nazz being Kevin's best friend and Eddy's girlfriend it put the two in an awkward predicament.

Eddy coughed and Eddward's eyes fell upon him. Eddy gave him a long glance towards Ed and Eddward smirked knowing that his friend wanted some alone time with his girlfriend.

"Come on Ed, I'll walk you home," Eddward said.

Ed's head swiveled towards him. Eddward sensed an argument, but when Ed's eyes landed on Eddy and Nazz he simply smiled. Ed may be intellectually challenged at times, but even he knew when it was time to leave. As Eddward made his way down the porch he flipped the hood of his jacket up as his eyes locked with Kevin's.

"Hey, you headed to the gym tomorrow?" Kevin asked.

"I was debating on that or just going for a run in the afternoon," he answered. He was grateful it was a brisk night because the coldness in his cheeks masked his slight blush.

Since Eddward was on the track team his leg muscles had greatly improved and to combat that he started lifting weights as well. He wasn't aiming to be a bodybuilder or anything along those lines. But he wanted to be ready. He liked no longer having to worry about someone demanding he do their homework or having to face the consequences. No one messed with him. It was one way he remained in control.

On a number of occasions, Kevin happened to be there as well and one day when Eddward was struggling to lift Kevin had rushed over to spot him. It had started their unique if not weird friendship. They still didn't really talk, but whenever they did Eddward was elated.

"Alright, well if you decide you are let me know. I need a spotter," he said before he turned away and threw a hand in the air as a mock goodbye," later dorks," he said as he made his way back to his own home.

With that, they all said their farewells as they retreated to their homes along the cul-de-sac. It was rather late, but Eddward already knew what waited for him when he returned home. A mess which he had to clean. A sadistic smile brushed his lips as he opened his front door and was welcomed home by his sticky note clad home.


	3. Nightmare of Reality

The purifying stench of bleach infiltrated his nose as he scrubbed away his sins on the bathroom floor. The back and forth motion held a hypnotizing rhythm which Eddward easily lost himself too. He was hunched over on the floor with a scrub brush perched in his hands. His wrist was wrapped in multiple layers of gauze to keep the household chemicals from the healing gash. Sweat trickled down from his hairline and collected in the neck of his shirt.

His house had been empty when he had returned home which was no surprise. If he remembered correctly his parents were currently providing their medical expertise to a small village located somewhere in South America. They probably wouldn't be returning until after the school year started back up, but even then he wasn't sure. Their presence in his life was never a guarantee, but their absence usually was.

As he wiped up the last remnants of bleach he pushed back on his knees until he sat on the floor and stretched out his aching legs. The tile felt cool beneath his calves. He was clad only in a white t-shirt and a pair of loose fitting shorts; even his beloved beanie had been removed. He cracked his knuckles before he stood back up and took one last look at his bathroom. The room was immaculate as it always was. He was very particular about how his bathroom was kept. It needed to be clean at all times because he never knew when he would be struck with the overwhelming urge to cut. He couldn't imagine exposing his body to the germs and bacteria that permeated in the average bathroom. Sure his had those same germs too, but at least he cleaned and sanitized as often as possible.

Once satisfied with the outcome he undid the dressing around his wrist and dropped it into the trash. He then kicked off his shorts and pulled his shirt over his head. After depositing the sweat coated garments neatly in the laundry bin he stepped towards the shower. He regulated the temperature before he stepped under the spray. He extended his arms out until they touched the cool wall and let his head fall forward as water cascaded down his back.

He watched as the water collected at the drain of his tub, it spiraled and swirled gracefully before being sucked down into the depths of the drain. He sighed as he reached for the shampoo and began washing his hair. The soap trailed down his wrist and he hissed as it stung his exposed flesh. He rinsed the shampoo and then examined his work. The line wasn't very long or deep for that matter, but it was still sensitive.

He pressed his ring and middle finger to the red line and marveled at the jolt that flounced along his nerves. A crude smile graced his lips as he pressed down harder. A small bead of blood pooled at the pressure. He wiped it and then let his arms fall back to his sides. The red liquid disseminated amongst the soapy water at his feet and the slightly, tinted water soon vanished.

After finishing his cleaning routine he exited the shower and grabbed a nearby towel as he made his way back to his bedroom. A quick glance at the clock perched on his bedside table beamed 2:09 in a hard green light. He slipped into a pair of clean boxers before crawling into bed. He peered at his wrist as he settled into a comfortable position. One life threatening beating had led him to this. He would never forget that night. He mused over that night as his body finally succumbed to the darkness that enveloped his mind.

"Don't look so scared kid, we're gunna have a great time."

And just like that he was back reliving that night for the umpteenth time.

The man with amber eyes had adjusted his rear view mirror so he could marvel at his captive. Eddward was shivering in the back seat of the car and desperately trying to mask his fear. Tears pricked at the brim of his eyes, but he didn't want to cry. These thugs didn't deserve to see him so weak and yet here he was, scared and helpless. One of the men beside him wrapped an arm around his shoulders while the other grabbed his thigh and squeezed hard. He gulped refusing to look at either of them and instead stared at the floor of the dirty car. Something caught his eye on the floor and he craned his neck slightly as he made out a name stamped across a school identification card, Jensen Reese.

Jensen Reese was the captain of the baseball team and one of Eddward's main bullies. Jensen usually hunted him down at the end of the day before practice and then the next morning to collect his homework. The car came to an abrupt stop and Eddward jerked in his seat due to the lack of a nonexistent seatbelt, but the two boys held him steady.

"Easy there," the one on his right said, "wouldn't want ya to hurt yourself now."

Eddward peered out the window as he tried to decipher his location. His brows twitched as he tried to make out the name plastered on a nearby street sign, but it was too dark. The driver door opened and the leader of the masked vigilantes got out. The driver side passenger door opened next and the second of the trio got out leaving Eddward with the last one of them.

He took a deep breath to try and calm his nerves, but it worked to no avail. He had a horrible feeling lingering deep in his gut that tonight would not end well. A shove towards the open door broke his concentration and he gasped as an arm reached in and grabbed him by his shirt collar. He was hoisted out and thrown onto the cold concrete below. His arms scraped and he tried to push himself up until he was met with a crushing force to his back.

A steel toe boot ground down hard between his shoulder blades. He coughed at the sudden force and the first of his tears for the night fell freely from his eyes. Through his teary gaze he turned his head and was met with trash scattered in a dead end alley. He tried to swallow, but the pressure in his back made him want to throw up instead. The pressure on his back disappeared briefly and he sighed in relief until he was kicked in his side. He heard a slight crunch and rolled over slightly as the pain shot through his chest. He was sure that a devastating bruise was beginning to form and at least two or more ribs were broken. He wheezed and looked up to his masked captors.

"Gentlemen, please," he started before composing himself, "is this truly n-necessary. I merely wish to return home." His voice cracked with the final words.

"Shut up fag," came the derogatory slur as one of the lackeys took a swig of something in a brown paper bag.

"What do you want us to do with him?" The third of the party asked their leader.

The leader smiled down at Eddward, even through the ski mask. He heard it in his voice, "I told him we were going to have a party." He said as he passed a sideways glance with his companions. "Let's make tonight one he'll never forget," the words barely reached Eddward's ears before a sickening crack took hold of his body. The ringleader had stomped down hard on Eddward's left wrist, crushing it below his boot.

Eddward cried out in pain and struggled desperately to pull his wrist away from the ironclad grip the boot had on him. The tears were falling fast now and he could barely hear the laughter over his own hoarse cries of anguish. He wished to awake from this dreadful nightmare, to be anywhere but here. Another boot kicked him in the other side while the boot on his wrist held him in place. He felt like a rag doll. The kicks came one after another until he was numb from his core outward. The pain still resonated along his nerves, but fighting back was pointless. He was weak and outnumbered. When the boot on his wrist finally lifted he pulled it towards his aching body and rolled to his other side. He hugged himself tightly as he coughed up blood. The name left his mouth purely by accident from a past of begging this individual not to hurt him.

"Jensen, p-please. I'll d-do anything, but please s-stop."

The air thickened in that moment and he felt them all turn to stare down at his broken corpse-like state.

"The fuck you just say?" came the seething voice that belonged to the accused.

Eddward pressed his uninjured hand to his mouth to keep any other words from spilling out onto the concrete. He tried to scrunch his body up as tight as he could so that maybe he could disappear into the Earth. He tried to make himself as small as could be, but it was no use. He was here beneath their hard gazes and they were starving for a taste of his blood.

"He asked you a question, fag," came the voice of a lackey followed by another hard kick.

"I'm s-sorry. I won't t-tell anyone. I-I promise!" He cried out in despair.

"Fuck!" Jensen yelled as he punched the brick wall. Eddward cringed from associating the sound with being hit. He swallowed hard as he listened to Jensen curse. "Fuck. Why'd you have to say my name? I was gunna leave you here. We were gunna mess you up a bit and leave, but now-" he leant down close to Eddward's ear and whispered, "now you can't walk outta this."

Eddward heard a quick snap and felt something cool run along his exposed arm. He opened his eyes and saw the edge of a six-inch pocket knife glide up his pale skin and leave a thin trail of blood in its wake.

"I-I beg of you. I'll never speak a word to a-anyone," he stuttered in a frantic attempt to save himself.

"Don't worry, you won't be speakin' to anyone ever again."

A cold secluded pain emanated from Eddward's stomach. His nerves cried out and he shifted slightly only to be met with a burning, fire ripping him apart. He looked down and saw the end of the knife sticking out of him haphazardly. Fresh blood quickly began to seep into his shirt from the puncture staining the material. The butt of the knife was reclaimed by Jensen who twisted and shoved it in deeper. Eddward shrieked and his body convulsed. He started coughing violently and blood shot from his mouth. His veins turned icy and his abdomen burned. He had never felt a pain like this before. He felt as if a hungry animal was ripping into his flesh for a gourmet meal.

"Shit, Jensen," came a voice that seemed so far away," this wasn't part of the plan."

Hands shot down and pulled Jensen off of Eddward's almost lifeless body. The knife which had been embedded in his flesh was abruptly ripped away and Eddward cried out one final time. There was a mixture of panicked footsteps followed by the slamming of multiple car doors. An engine purred into life and a car skidded away.

Time was no longer working. Everything seemed to stand still. Life. Death. Was he in a state of limbo?

Eddward was not sure if he was surviving or if he was slowly dying. But maybe that was the same thing. He wasn't too sure anymore. His blood was beginning to pool beneath him. The life from his veins welcomed him with open arms as it consumed the body it was once held prisoner inside of. The average adult body could house eight pints of blood, but Eddward was a scrawny teenager. At the rate at which he was bleeding, he was sure he would be dead soon.

Maybe it was the presence of death tugging at his mind which led him down this new trail of thought, or maybe it was a sad reality he had known all along. When would anyone even realize he was missing? Excluding Ed and Eddy, his parents were rarely home. How long would it take for the news of his death to reach them? Would they make it in time for his funeral? Or maybe they would send a sticky note which would be stuck upon his closed casket. It would read, "Here lays our beloved son."

He felt nauseous, but he refused to empty the contents of his stomach. If he could resist the urge during his beating he could fight it off now. He began to shiver as his blood cooled around him. The pulse inside his wrist thudded painfully and a fresh tear escaped from his eyelids. It was broken, shattered even, he was sure of it, but what was a broken wrist compared to a broken life. Eddward was the easy target of the Eds. He held no social stature, he was small and weak compared to his other companions. Maybe this demise would be pleasant. He could flee from this painful life. As soon as the thought struck him something dark began to root deep within his core. The seed of a whole new beginning had begun to fester inside his tiny body.

No, this was not the end. Eddward Vincent would not go out like this. Not by the hands of a bully. His whole life he had been bullied and he'd be damned if that's all his life would be remembered for. A new sound met his ears and the quiet faded as a loud booming started overhead. He cracked his eye open and saw bright flashing lights illuminating the dead end alley. Bright reds and blues flickered off of the trash cans as a deadly smile perched on Eddward's lips.

The fireworks were mocking him. People were out right now enjoying the beautiful Fourth of July night with their loved ones as he struggled to breathe without choking on blood. His head fell to the other side and for the first time he noticed that he was close to the sidewalk. They hadn't pushed him far into the alley so he still had a chance. He reached out in a pathetic attempt at crawling but gasped as his stomach muscles convulsed. No, he couldn't move or he would end up bleeding to death.

He shut his eyes as he tried to imagine something, anything to free himself of his current predicament. He focused on the pain. His back, sides, ribs, wrist, arms, especially the gaping hole in his stomach, they all hurt. He focused on the pain and honed in on each and every nerve trying to pinpoint where one pain stopped and where another began.

"Oh my God!" Came a panicked yell followed by footsteps running to his side.

He knew that voice, it was one that had once tortured him, but now it was going to save him. The irony.

"Are you okay? Can you hear me?" the voice whispered, her tone was coated in terror.

Eddward opened his eyes and the world danced all around him. Reality was ridiculing him as he tried to focus his mind on the voice that was anxiously trying to help him.

"Edd? Oh, no. Hold on. I'm calling an ambulance. Everything will be fine," she cried as tears pricked at her eyes.

When his mind stopped playing tricks on him and he was finally able to focus he smiled halfheartedly up at the distraught girl, "T-thank y-"

"No, don't speak. Save your strength," she commanded in a gentle tone, one he never knew her capable of.

Suddenly he started coughing violently and he was met with blood soaked breaths of air tearing through his throat until the vile substance escaped through his mouth. He couldn't breathe. Every time he attempted to take a breath he was met with a burning liquid trapped inside his lungs that demanded to be expelled. His throat was closing in on itself. He was having a panic attack. His eyes were watering as the female blurred out of his vision and he was met once again with unbearable darkness.

Eddward awoke with a gasp. He was covered in a cold sweat and his hair stuck to his face. He sat up straight in bed and pressed his left hand to his chest.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He only had panic attacks when he dreamt of that night. Whenever his mind dared to bring him back to that moment in his life that he could never forget. He swung his legs over the side of the bed as he battled internally with himself. He wanted to cut. He needed to cut. He peered down at his left wrist; the wrist which had been the first thing damaged that night. It was the wrist he favored when he cut. In his twisted reality he needed to control the pain this wrist received. If he was the one controlling it, then his dreams wouldn't matter. They wouldn't matter because he was in control.

He needed to get that control back right now. His hand twitched with anticipation of feeling the blade between his fingers. He swallowed hard as he looked at his clock. 6:26. He'd just cut himself less than ten hours ago. It was too soon. If he started to cut right now he would not be able to stop. If he fell back into his destructive ways then he would spiral out of control and that was not an option. He sighed as he grabbed his phone. He sifted through his contacts until he fell upon her name. He hit the call icon and waited as it began to ring.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"... Edd?" The voice said in a hazy tone. She had clearly still been asleep. When he didn't answer right away her voice panicked, "Edd? What's wrong?"

He sighed, "sorry I woke you. I just-" his words trailed off. He fell back onto his bed with a silent, 'oof.' He rested his arm over his eyes and soon felt tears welling up behind his lids. He wiped at them vigorously. They had no right to take refuge on his face. He wouldn't allow them to fall. He took a deep breath and then exhaled it into the phone, "I dreamt of it again."

He heard a rustling sound on the other end followed by the soft click of a light being turned on. He hated having to wake her up. Granted it wasn't that early, but he'd been known to call her phone in the middle of the night. One particularly bad night he had ended up calling her twice. She was the only one who saw him directly after the incident and she had seen the worst of it. When he had awoken in the hospital her face was the first he had seen. She was there. She hadn't left. A little more than two years later and she was still there. She always answered the phone. He would never be able to repay her for that kindness.

When he was coherent enough to answer questions he'd revealed Jensen's name. When the police had shown up at his house they found the knife in his car still covered in Eddward's blood along with three ski masks. Jensen's friends were with him and they were arrested on the spot. They were charged with aggravated battery and jailed for a maximum of six years, they were given a plea bargain and only ended up serving two years. Eddward was reminded once again of their upcoming parole.

"Talk to me, Edd." She urged him.

Eddward took a deep breath. "My options were limited. Either call you or cut."

"I'm glad I answered." She said and he could hear the relief in her voice.

"I know you would prefer it if I said 'me too,' but I don't condone dishonesty." 

"I know. Do you want me to come over? Or I could come and get you?"

He rolled the options around in his mind, debating on what to do. He honestly didn't know where this conversation was bound to lead. Sometimes they just talked until he fell back asleep, but that wouldn't be the case today. Other times they met up and hung out for the majority of the day. And then there were times when they would hang up and wouldn't speak again until he called after another dream. In a way, he felt guilty for using her like that, but at the same time she was the only one who knew the entire severity of his fragile state.

Eddward Vincent was no longer the scrawny, and timid little kid everyone picked on. He was even feared by some now and no one dared to mess with him. Eddy and Ed understood a little, Eddy more so than Ed, but they hadn't seen him directly after what had happened. He had called them a few days later to which Eddy was pissed. The incident had changed him drastically, first mentally. With his new mindset he needed a body that could house how he was feeling. He needed one that could outwardly show who he was inside. He had begun jogging every day as soon as he had healed from the ordeal which was months. After jogging he began simple weightlifting and even started punching a makeshift boxing bag he had made in his parents' garage.

When the sophomore school year rolled around, two months after the incident, he was an entirely different person. He was hit with a much-needed growth spurt and developed a new look to accompany his altered mindset. He traded his orange shirt and purple shorts for tight skinny jeans, a studded belt, a gray or red skintight shirt, and a leather jacket lined with a gray hood. His beanie never left his head, but it now covered his entire forehead and came to the top of his eyes. Kids talked, word had spread quickly of what had happened. Rumors flourished the hallways. He would never be Double Dee ever again. That kid had died on July the fourth.

"Edd, you still there or did you fall asleep on me."

He grunted into the phone as a response.

"Fine, I'm on my way," she responded and then ended the call before he could protest.

He sighed and then sat up on his bed. He tossed his phone onto his pillow and dropped his head into his hands. School was starting soon. They would be out soon. His lips twitched. Whether it was a smile, or the edges of his sanity trying to snap he wasn't sure. All he knew was that he was going to be ready this time.


	4. I Like Edd

The buzzer sounded multiple times as Eddward made his way downstairs. As he reached the front door he took a moment to look into the mirror and compose himself. He felt horrible and his reflection confirmed that he didn't look any better. He had dark circles under his eyes, no doubt caused by his nightmare and therefore lack of sleep. He was dressed in his usual attire and had the hood up on his jacket. The buzzer sounded again and Eddward opened the door to peer at the cause of the noise.

"Normal people will generally ring a doorbell once and then wait," he chided grumpily.

"Had to make sure your ass actually got out of bed," came her quick response as she reached up and pressed her finger between his eyes. "Ding dong."

Eddward grabbed her hand and pushed it away from his face, it was too early for her childish antics. "You're hysterical, Marie."

Marie Kanker and Eddward Vincent had a weird relationship. In the past she had a very obvious crush on him and even tried to force him into marriage as a child. Along with her sisters, they always had a scheme to capture the Eds' hearts. She was none too shy of her feelings for him then and even now. She had been the one to find him on the day of the incident and she stayed in the hospital with him until he was well enough to go home. Since then they developed a friendship which Eddward was quite fond of. Besides Eddy and Ed, she was his best friend. The years had treated her well. She was still very slim and wore cargo pants with a band t-shirt. Her hair was shoulder length and a deep shade of blue which faded into purple tips.

"So, I'm thinking we should go get some breakfast. Your treat of course," Marie said as she smiled up at him.

Eddward arched an eyebrow as he glared down at her, "I don't remember asking you to come here in the first place. Why would I purchase your breakfast?" He asked as his lips twisted into a smirk.

She met his challenge with a glare of her own and crossed her arms as she pressed her weight to one side.

"You woke me up, so you're buying me breakfast."

Eddward rolled his eyes as he accepted defeat. He reached back to close the door behind him.

"Come on," she urged him as she uncrossed her arms and grabbed his hand so she could practically drag him to her car.

Across the street in a second story window an unknown bystander had noticed the girl waiting outside Edd's house and decided to watch the two interact once Eddward answered the door. Kevin was fascinated by them for reasons he wasn't entirely sure of himself. Over the years he had watched the dork grow up from a nerd to a handsome... decent looking guy. There was something about Eddward that captured Kevin's eye, but no matter how hard he tried to reason with himself, he just couldn't figure out the awkward attraction. Kevin Barr was most certainly not gay, not that there was anything wrong with people who were gay, but that just wasn't who he was and yet here he was gaping at Eddward.

Eddward wasn't like other guys. Even though he now presented a tough exterior there was still a lingering softness about him. He didn't have facial hair, his skin was smooth and blemish free. He had toned out, but not in an overly muscular way. He had immaculate hygiene and there was just something about him. Maybe it was the mystery behind it all. One day Eddward had been Double Dee and then just like that he disappeared off the face of the cul-de-sac for a few months until school started back up. When he returned to school he was Eddward or Dee as many referred to him now. Kevin wasn't entirely sure about the details of what happened to Eddward that night. He knew he was beaten pretty badly and the guys responsible were arrested, but that was it.

He too had given the dork along with the other Eds a fair share of beatings, but nothing worthy enough to be detained for. That was a whole other level of violence he didn't believe in. Kevin was actually friends with Jensen Reese. They were on the baseball team together, but once Jensen and his friends started picking on other kids and borderline hazing them Kevin quit the team and joined the football team instead.

He watched as Eddward opened the door for Marie and she flashed him a dazzling smile as she got in the car. Then Edd circled around to the driver side and the two were off. Kevin rolled his eyes at their interaction. Marie's relationship with Eddward was one he was confused to no end over. At one point he thought they were possibly together. He'd seen them hug on a number of occasions, the hugs always originated from Marie, but they never held hands or kissed. He almost gagged when he thought of Marie's lips on Edd's. He shook his head at the thought. He had sometimes wondered what Eddward's lips felt like. What was wrong with him? He and Eddward weren't even friends really and here he was disgusted at the possibly that Eddward was straight. Well Kevin was straight too. He always thought he was at least.

Kevin was hoping whatever Edd and Marie went to do wouldn't take long. He was looking forward to going to the gym with him later. Over their high school careers they didn't really keep in contact. It was always a coincidence when they met at the gym. Kevin was glad he had walked Nazz over to Eddy's house the previous night. It gave him a chance to ask Eddward if he were going and even though it was a little cold outside Kevin was sure the dork was blushing. He hoped he had been at least. He sighed as he sat down on his bed. It was sad that his life had come to this. Kevin was hung up on one of the Eds. His phone buzzed and he grabbed it, noticing he had a message from Nazz.

'Come over at 12?'

'k'

Kevin spent the rest of his morning working on his bike in the garage. His parents had bought it for him at the beginning of the summer and he took every chance he could to tweak her here and there. Having a real bike beat his childhood bike any day. He had the garage door open so he could peer across the street periodically to see when a certain dork would arrive home. Kevin looked down at his phone and noticed it was nearing noon. He was covered with grease and he wanted to shower before he went over to Nazz's house. He grabbed a hand towel from his back pocket and wiped some of the grease off his face when he finally saw Marie's car pull up into the driveway at Eddward's house. Marie got out of the car and then Eddward.

They both walked up to Eddward's door and waited as he rummaged around in his pocket for his keys. Once he had the door open he turned to Marie and seemed to say something, but Kevin was too far away to hear. Marie stood directly behind Eddward as he went to step inside. She put her arms around him and buried her face into his back.

Eddward seemed to stiffen at the gesture before he relaxed and turned so she could properly embrace him. Marie was shaking slightly and Eddward gave her a reassuring squeeze in return. Eddward smiled down at her and mumbled something and Marie looked up to catch his gaze. Marie stood up on her toes and kissed Eddward on the cheek and his face drained of color. Kevin couldn't tear his eyes away as he watched them. His chest felt tight and a sense of envy washed over him. He felt his fist clench on its own accord.

He didn't know when it happened, but at some point Eddward had seen him and they locked eyes. Marie was still hugging Edd tightly, but his attention was solely focused on Kevin now. He dropped the gaze when the hug finally ended and Marie retreated back to her car and left. Eddward stood in his doorway until she was gone and then his eyes met Kevin's once again. Kevin wasn't sure what he saw looking back at him in Eddward's eyes and even though he wanted to go talk to him he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he broke the gaze and shut his garage door cutting off Eddward's view.

Kevin opted on skipping his shower as he left his house and made his way over to Nazz's. By that time Eddward had already locked himself back away inside his home. Kevin still couldn't get Eddward's eyes out of his mind though. He looked so broken and upset and for some reason nothing Marie did changed that. The girl had tried desperately to break through to Eddward and instead Eddward looked to him. Was that supposed to mean something? Kevin shook the thoughts from his head as he walked up to Nazz's front door and knocked.

"It's open!" He heard her yell from inside.

He swiftly opened the door and shut it behind himself as he walked into her kitchen. Nazz was seated at the table and Eddy was sitting across from her. There were various papers scattered across the table between them. Kevin scowled as he walked up and took the seat directly beside Nazz earning him a glare from Eddy. Kevin smirked as he sat back in his chair and draped his arm on the back of Nazz's chair.

"So, is there a reason you didn't tell me dorko was gunna be here too?" Kevin asked.

"Watch it Shovelchin," Eddy replied.

"Guys come on," Nazz cut in and then turned her attention to Kevin, "would you have come if you knew he was here?"

Kevin readjusted his hat as he gave his single word response, "nope." He noticed grease on his hand and he rubbed it on the side of his pants.

"Was working a shower too hard for your small brain to handle?" Eddy asked flatly.

"Nazz doesn't seem to mind," Kevin quipped as he flashed Eddy a smile while leaning closer to Nazz. He moved his arm from around her chair to tighten it around her waist.

Eddy's eyes turned to slits as he opened his mouth to say something back, but was cut off by Nazz.

"Seriously can you both just try to get along," she said as she went back to arranging the papers on her table. She turned and narrowed her eyes at Kevin, "move your arm."

"Whatever," Kevin answered as he retracted his arm. He looked at the papers again, "what is all this?" He asked as he motioned with one hand to the table.

"College packets and brochures. My mom wanted me to get an early start on my future and that got me thinking. This is the last summer before high school is over." She straightened all the papers in a nice pile and then pushed them aside. "So I want to throw an end of summer party."

"And next summer before college? What about that summer? Besides, you throw parties all the time. What's going to make this one any different?" Eddy asked from across the table. He had his elbows propped up and was resting his face on his hands.

Nazz shot him a look before continuing, "this summer is different. It's the last one before we need to stat focusing on our futures. If I keep my grades up I have a real shot at getting early admission. I won't really have a summer next year before I leave for university. It'll be just us from the cul-de-sac, the original gang. And... I was kind of planning on telling everyone about us," she admitted.

Eddy turned his face from her and wouldn't meet her gaze, "fine," he said in a low voice.

His phone beeped that he had a new message and he quickly read it before standing, "Dee's home, I need to go talk to him." He said as he rounded the table and kissed Nazz on the cheek. "I'll call you later," he said as he made his way to the front door.

"Aren't you gunna say bye to me too?" Kevin yelled as he tipped his chair back.

Eddy turned to meet his gaze before he smiled and turned back to open the door, "Later asshole."

"Little prick," Kevin mumbled under his breath which earned him a smack across the chest from Nazz, "Ow," he said as he rubbed the spot she hit.

"So, anyway. I called you over here for a different reason," she said as she looked back toward the table and began to twirl a piece of her hair absentmindedly.

"Okay, so what's up?" Kevin asked as he arched an eyebrow.

Nazz had always been easy to read. She was like an open book. He knew all her quirks and right now something was off about her. Nazz was honest and blunt. She wasn't one to hold her feelings back.

"Okay so last night after you guys all left, Eddy and I stayed up talking. There was something- off about him I guess. When I finally got him to talk he said he was worried about Edd. When I tried to pry more out of him he just shut up and acted like nothing was wrong anymore. It's like I hit a nerve or something," she finally lifted her head so their eyes could meet and Kevin was shocked at how upset she was," Kev, this is Eddy, the guy who never gets upset. The one who's always looking for the next big scheme. Something's going on with Edd and it's really upsetting him. I'm worried."

Kevin took a moment to digest the information and he could almost picture Eddward in his mind from earlier. The hard stare they shared was filled with more than just jealousy and envy on Kevin's part. There was pain and despair lurking behind Edd's cold blue eyes. Kevin felt a twinge of some emotion pierce his heart. Was something wrong with the dork?

"So, what do you want me to do about it?" he asked sounding like more of an ass than he meant to.

"You and Edd lift weights, right? Can you talk to him and maybe see if you can find out what's going on?"

Kevin felt a red tint pinch his cheeks and he averted his eyes. "I don't know if I can do that. We're not that close. We're not even friends really." Saying that out loud hurt and Kevin wished he could take the words back.

"Please, Kev?"

He gulped before he could bring himself to answer her, "I'll try."

She smiled and pressed herself into his side, "thank you," she said and then pushed away. "God you reek. Please, shower before you talk to him."

A short while later Kevin left Nazz's house with a crumpled up piece of paper in his hand. Nazz had been planning this and knew Kevin wouldn't deny her request. Once Eddy had fallen asleep the previous night she went through his phone to get Eddward's number. Now Kevin held it in his hands and he was terrified to call it. It was ridiculous really. He should be ashamed of himself for feeling this way. He was afraid to call that gap tooth faced dork. But why? He knew why, rejection. He was afraid of rejection. With girls his charm easily washed over them and he could take anyone he picked to bed with him, but this was different. Kevin was infatuated with Eddward and he wasn't sure if his feelings would be reciprocated.

It wasn't even like he was calling him for a date. They were supposed to go to the gym. Guys did that all the time. There was nothing gay about it. Kevin opened the paper and entered the numbers into his phone and then pressed save. He tried to press the call button, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he scrolled to another number and called it instead. Nazz promptly answered.

"There's no way you already found out what happened," came her quick voice.

Kevin sighed and laid on his bed. The lights were off and he had pulled the shades shut masking his room in darkness. His nerves were eating at him and his skin prickled with anticipation. He was about to open up to his best friend and he had never been so scared in his whole life.

"Nazz, if I- if I tell you something do you promise nothin'll change and we'll be okay?" he asked.

There was a pause at the other end of the line followed by, "Kev, what's going on?"

Well it was now or never, "Nazz have you ever like looked at someone and had feelings you know you shouldn't have and it's just for that one person cuz no one else can make you feel like that."

"You do know I'm dating Eddy, right?" she asked jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

Kevin gave a fake laugh for her amusement. Leave it to Nazz to try and make him feel better when all he wanted to do was rewind the day and stop himself from feeling the way he did for a certain dork. He briefly wondered if he should go through with telling her. What if she resented him or worse, what if she ended their friendship? No, Nazz wasn't like that. He swallowed before he went on, "I-I think I like Edd." There, he had said it. It was the first time he had let those words escape his mouth and it sounded right coming off of his tongue.

Silence echoed back to him on the other end of the line as he waited for a response. After a moment a girlish shriek penetrated his ear and his eyes shot open.

"Kevin! That's adorable!" she yelled.

"Fuck Nazz. Did you have to scream like that?" he said as he put his arm over his eyes. Even though she couldn't see him it still gave him the sense of hiding. His cheeks were burning.

"Oh my God! You and Edd! Are you gunna tell him?"

"Nazz I'm a guy. It doesn't work like that. Or I don't think so at least. I don't even know."

"Kevin, you have his number now. Talk to him. Or better yet go next door."

Everything sounded so easy coming from Nazz, but that's just the type of girl she was. She acted on impulse and didn't hold back. Kevin wished for a moment he could steal some of her courage and bottle it up to keep with him. The last thing he wanted to do was admit his feelings to Eddward.

"I can't, what if he- what if he's dating Marie?" Her name rolled off his tongue and left a bad taste in his mouth.

"I don't think they're together Kev, but you'll never know unless you talk to him."

Kevin had a lot to think about. If he went down this path… if he chose to be with Eddward, then what? Even if Edd chose him too how would they even begin to make a relationship possible? This was high school and they would be judged by everyone. Not only that but after high school Eddward was probably going to leave for university. Kevin would probably never see him again. No, there wasn't a point if it would end like that.

"Thanks for hearing me out Nazz. I'll talk to you later," he said and swiftly ended the call.

He got up from his bed and went to his window. He pulled the shades back just in time to see Eddward leaving his house with Eddy already standing on the porch. They chatted for a few moments and then Eddy turned and left while Edd locked his door, and then he started jogging down the street. Kevin watched him until he was out of sight.

"Damn, you just had to fall for Double Dee, didn't you." he said to himself.


	5. End of Summer Party

Eddy sprawled out on Eddward's bed with his arms spread wide. He kicked his feet up onto the wall to Eddward's dismay, but he let his friend be. On the opposite side of the room Eddward sat at his desk typing away on his laptop. Summer was coming to an end and he wanted to get a head start on his college essays. There were three colleges in particular he was applying to, but only one he truly wished to go to, the University of California, Berkeley. Ever since his childhood days of building contraptions he was engrossed with the idea of creating to better the world. This university had an amazing robotics program and he was hoping on getting early admittance. Behind him, he heard Eddy sigh... again.

"Fuck, Sockhead. What do I do?" His friend asked clearly exasperated.

Eddward quickly hit the save icon and shut his computer. He couldn't focus with all of Eddy's whining and he wouldn't allow his work to suffer from the distraction. Eddward had his own problems to deal with at the moment which didn't leave much room to care about Eddy's predicament. But for the sake of his friend's wellbeing he offered what little advice he had no matter how blunt it was.

"Just tell Nazz how you feel Eddy, it's as simple as that," came Eddward's blatant response.

Eddy grumbled and rolled over pressing his face into Eddward's mattress. Eddward was glad Eddy had previously removed his shoes or he would have scuffed his walls. Eddward rested his arm on his desk and stared at his friend with mock concern. Eddy had indeed changed since he became serious about Nazz. In the past Eddy always put himself first. It was always what was best for Eddy and nothing else mattered, but now everything was different.

Eddy was worried that when school started again everyone would judge Nazz for dating him. Nazz was popular among her peers and Eddy was... well he was Eddy. He didn't want Nazz to turn into a social outcast during her final year of high school, so he decided that their relationship had to remain a secret. She'd agreed to the arrangement if only to make him happy, but now she wanted to out their relationship tonight at her party in front of all the cul-de-sac kids. Eddy was mortified.

"How long?" came Eddy's mumbled words.

"Speak up, Eddy."

Eddy raised his face from the bed, "how much longer until the party starts?"

Eddward turned and grabbed his phone to check the time, "approximately two hours, but you should arrive early."

"What? Why?" Eddy sputtered.

Eddward rolled his eyes as he leaned back in his chair. "You're her boyfriend Eddy, be punctual. Did it ever occur to you that she may require help setting up?"

Eddy sighed and sat up. His eyes were cast down toward the floor. His cheeks flared red as he spoke, "Kevin's already there helping her." He said and then jumped down so he could pace the floor. Shouting and throwing his hands up for emphasis in a sudden burst of outrage. "Of everyone in the damn cul-de-sac she just had to be 'bffs' with Kevin. She couldn't pick Jimmy or Plank, no it had to be Jockstrap. He pisses me off."

Eddward smiled and turned his face to the side at the mention of the red head. He hadn't seen Kevin since the night he found out his abductors were set to be released soon. They were supposed to go to the gym the next day, but he hadn't seen Kevin since. Well actually he had, but something was off. The morning after he had gone with Marie for breakfast and then spent the majority of the morning with her. When they reached his house Eddward was still in a bad place inside his head.

Usually talking to Marie quelled his urge to take other drastic measures, but this time not even she could help. She must have sensed his unease because before he entered his house she had grabbed him tightly and cried into his back.

"Please don't. Don't do it. I know you still do and you only call me when you know you won't be able to stop. I can't imagine losing you to this. I need you Eddward."

The force behind her words hit him hard and he stiffened at first, but then eased into the awkward embrace. She had touched him and he had turned to assure her that he would not cut and he would call her if such urges arose again. An unknown force had told him to look up and when he did he was met with Kevin glaring back at him from his garage across the street. Eddward involuntarily squeezed Marie tighter and she reached up to kiss his cheek. Eddward couldn't break his eyes away from Kevin though.

His cold hard stare tore deep into him and he suddenly felt like he was in the wrong for holding Marie in such a way. Kevin and he were acquaintances if anything and nothing more so those thoughts should not have infiltrated his mind. Although there was something about that stare. He looked... jealous? No, now that was impossible.

Still even after Marie had parted and made her way to the car, Eddward couldn't bring himself to look away from Kevin's murderous stance until Kevin shut his garage door breaking the view. Before he had time to rationalize his thoughts he had a short tempered Eddy standing in front of him.

"The fuck you smilin' about Dee? You think its funny Kevin's over there tryin' to woo my girl?"

Eddward arched an eyebrow at Eddy's particular choice of words. "Woo? Seriously Eddy?" He shook his head and extended his arm to push Eddy out of his personal space. Once Eddy was at a sufficient distance he spoke again, "Do you honestly think Nazz would deceive you in such a way?"

To that Eddy huffed and turned away knowing that Eddward was right. He grabbed his keys and wallet off Eddward's bedside table as he made his way to the door. "What time you gunna be there at?" he asked quickly.

Eddward lost eye contact at the question as he turned back to his laptop and opened it, determined to finish his essay, "I was not planning on attending. Do give Nazz my regards."

"Dee, you have to be there. I need you!" Eddy yelled as he lunged forward towards Eddward and roughly shook his shoulders.

Eddward turned in his seat at the abrupt force and glared at him, "I don't do parties, Eddy. You know this," he deadpanned.

"Come on Dee," Eddy insisted and looked Eddward in the eye, "please, I know it's not your thing since- ya know, but this is different."

Eddward turned his chair away from Eddy and went back to his writing. A cold chill ran up his spine and settled at the base of his neck causing him to shiver. Eddy shook his head and mumbled a 'whatever,' as he started towards Eddward's bedroom door. Eddward swallowed before he spoke again, "if I finish my essay in a timely fashion I may stop by for a short expanse of time."

Eddy smiled and said nothing as he left, shutting the door behind him. Eddward shut his computer and laid his head on top of it. He wouldn't be able to continue writing now. His heart started pounding as images of his past flashed before his eyes. Parties never ended well for him. The Eds were always made fun of in some way or another and the last party he attended had been two years ago when everything changed.

His fingers were twitching and his breath came in staggered pants as he tried to regain an ounce of composure. He needed to remain calm, but his skin was crawling, it was as if his old ant farm had been cracked open and the ants were free to roam his skin. It had been a little over a week since he had last cut, but the allure of a fresh mark was tugging at him. He lifted his left wrist and pushed his sweater up so he could gaze upon his work. Neat lines scarred his flesh in a parallel fashion. He pressed his fingertips to the now nearly healed skin and wished for a moment a trickle of blood would appear.

He had to smile at the thought of his old self and how he was once squeamish at the mere thought of blood. His parents wanted him to be a doctor and he could hardly fathom the thought of cutting into flesh back then, but now. Now he reveled in the feel of a fresh cut. That single serene moment when a precise line was pressed elegantly into his skin. Almost like a branding of everything he had overcome. Every line told its own story and the book had far more chapters to come. Just thinking of the pleasure a cut would bring him was enough to settle his heightened nerves this time. There was an art to his cuts and he had to remain patient until the time arose. The timing had to be right along with placement. If he cut too close to a fresh cut he didn't think he would possess the willpower to stop. He had to remain in control of the pain. It wasn't time yet, he had to wait.

He grabbed his head phones from the bedside table and plugged them into his mp3 player. Some soothing piano music from his favorite composer, Baroque sounded absolutely lovely to him right now.

Nearly two and a half hours later he had drifted into a peaceful almost meditative state. Out of curiosity he checked his phone for the time and sighed at the increasing amount of text messages from an extremely, angry Eddy. Apparently the party had started an hour early and Eddward was the only one yet to be present and accounted for. He shut off his music and shoved the device in his pocket while he cradled his head in his other hand. He just didn't want to go. The insistent chime of his text tone was becoming a constant pattern and Eddward groaned as he reached for his phone.

'I'm still writing.' He lied as he typed away his quick response.

'Fuck off Dee! I asked Nazz to wait for you. Come on already.'

Eddward sighed as he stood up. He wished he hadn't told Eddy that he might go. Saying maybe always meant yes to Eddy.

'Very well. I will be there shortly.'

Eddward reluctantly made his way down the stairs and shoved his feet into his shoes. He zipped up his sweater and pulled the hood up over his head covering his hat in the process. He reached into his pocket, double checking that he had his mp3 player and headphones. The things he endured to keep up a social standing for his friends. Before he left he gave himself a quick once-over in the mirror and read the sticky note on the side for good measure.

"It's okay not to be okay." He said and then looked back to the mirror, "if you say that enough times, Eddward maybe one day you'll actually fool yourself into believing it."

He shut his lights off and locked the door behind himself as he walked to Nazz's house. It was right around the corner and he could already hear the blazing music coming from within the house. He cringed as he approached the door and knocked three times in perfect unison.

He waited a moment and then knocked again. Once again he was met with noise from the other side of the door and no one answered. He sighed as he reached for the handle and turned it gently. It clicked open and he made a grunt of annoyance. He hated his manners at times like these. Even though he was invited he found it rude to just invade another person's house without a direct invitation from the host at the time of arrival.

He slowly opened the door and let himself inside and then shut it quietly behind him. The enticing aroma of pepperoni pizza wafted through the air followed by the stench of alcohol. Eddward gagged slightly and then made his way into the living room. Jimmy and Sarah were sitting on the floor eating and laughing amongst themselves. On the other side of the room Ed was dancing with a... was that one of Rolf's chickens? Eddward laughed to himself at the sight. A hand slapped him hard on the back and he turned to see Eddy at his side, a beer in his hand. Eddward furrowed his brows. He despised alcohol.

"Took ya long enough, Sockhead." Eddy said as he took a sip.

"Yes, well I am here now. Where is everyone else?" He inquired as he looked around the room.

Eddy took another long sip before answering, "Kevin, Rolf, and Johnny started doing shots in the kitchen. Nazz is keeping score."

"I'm surprised you weren't up for the challenge, Eddy" Eddward stated as he turned his attention fully to his friend.

"Pffft, last thing I need is to get into another competition with Kevin. I'm just avoiding him at this point."

Eddward smiled as he wrapped an arm around Eddy playfully, "I'm proud of you Eddy. The things you'll do for love."

This comment earned him a hard smack and a shove from Eddy. "Fuck you, Dee!" Eddy cried out as his cheeks turned an unsightly shade of pink.

Eddward laughed as he steadied himself. Perhaps this party wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Edd!"

Eddward turned his attention to the feminine voice which called to him. Nazz was approaching with a drink in her hand.

"I'm glad you could make it. Eddy, said we couldn't make our announcement until you were here." Nazz said as she leaned in close to Eddy.

Eddy's blush spread rapidly as he put his arm around her, "just tell'em already."

Nazz giggled, as she grabbed at Eddy's fingers which rested over her shoulder with her free hand. She raised her voice above the music, "hey, can I have everyone's attention!" She called out.

As if on cue, Jimmy stood and ran to the stereo to turn it down. Nazz flashed him a smile as thanks. Kevin, Rolf, and Johnny emerged from the depths of the kitchen shoving each other and stood in the door frame. Edd looked up briefly and his eyes met Kevin's. Kevin smiled and Edd was taken aback for a moment. Why? He wasn't really sure himself. He quickly averted his gaze as Nazz spoke up again.

"First off, I just wanted to thank you all for coming. For some of us this is our last summer before college and I wanted us to enjoy what we have left, ya know?" A few cheers came from the boys standing at the kitchen doorway. "Also this goes without saying, but Sarah and Jimmy, no alcohol for you. You're too young and I'm not explaining that to your parents." Nazz smiled as she turned to Eddy, "okay and the last announcement for the night," Nazz leaned in and kissed Eddy on the cheek, "Eddy and I are dating and I couldn't be happier." She exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around him.

A few cheers were made and surprisingly enough Kevin started a clap which everyone soon joined in on. Eddy blushed feverishly throughout the whole ordeal, but his arm never left Nazz's side.

"Let's party!" she called out and the festivities continued.

After the announcements were made and everyone started mingling again, Eddward made his way over to one of Nazz's love seat couches and cushioned himself on one side. Nazz had come over and offered him a drink, but he refused to which she merely brought him water and he was grateful for it. Once he was comfortable he put his headphones in and drowned the whole room out as he contemplated his thoughts.

The party continued on and a few times Eddward paused his music when Ed wandered over to show him a new dance move. It was enticing how simple minded Ed could be sometimes. The party went on all around him and eventually Jimmy and Sarah went home. Truthfully, Eddward wanted nothing more than to return home, but he wanted to stay and make a point, he wouldn't be one of the first people to leave for once.

Across the house Nazz had pulled Kevin off into her bedroom to talk. By this time it was safe to say Kevin was on the border of being wasted with just a tad bit of coherency remaining. Nazz planned on using this to her full advantage.

"Geez Nazz, why'd ya pull me in here s'fast? Room won't stop spinnin' now," Kevin complained as he steadied himself against the wall.

"I asked you to talk to Edd and you never did, now's the perfect time."

"The fuck it is. I can't talk to him like this," he said and gestured to all of himself, "I'll make a fool of maself if anythin'."

Nazz stubbornly crossed her arms, "I never thought I'd live to see the day when Kevin Barr was afraid to talk to Double Dee."

To this Kevin puffed out his chest slightly, "I'm not scared of no one!" That was most definitely the alcohol talking. He was indeed afraid.

"Then prove it. Go talk to him."

"Maybe I will!" Kevin exclaimed as he left the room and marched to the living room leaving a grinning Nazz behind him.

He could do this. He was Kevin Barr. In the past he could make Double Dee tremble just by looking at him. Kevin gulped as he approached the living room. It was funny how things had been reversed. He stood in the door frame just out of sight as his eyes fell on Eddward. He was sitting in the love seat in the corner with his head propped up on his hand. His eyes were closed and he almost appeared to be sleeping. Kevin took a deep breath and then exhaled. He went to take a step into the living room and took one more deep breath for good measure, you know. Just in case the first one wasn't enough.

As he approached the love seat his mind drew a blank. Luckily he still had a beer in his hand to give him something to do while he pondered over what to say. From his position he cast a shadow over Edd at just the right angle to make him pause his mp3 player and look up. A distinct range of emotions splayed over his face starting with annoyed, then moving too... was he blushing? Kevin smiled; he so had this in the bag.

"Sup Dee?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Greetings Kevin, you seem to be enjoying yourself this evening."

Kevin smiled as he used his beer to motion to the empty space beside Edd. "Can I sit?"

"May I sit," Eddward absently corrected.

Kevin smiled at this as he sat down. "Same old Double Dee," he said and then instantly regretted it. He looked over to Edd who now looked furious at the use of the dead nickname. Kevin could see a vein pulsing in his neck and he gulped as he waited to be reprimanded.

"Please refrain from calling me that for the duration of my existence," came his monotone response.

"Shit, sorry," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand. In his nearly drunken state he was struck with a brilliant Kevin Barr idea and he extended his arm behind Eddward as he continued to talk as if nothing had happened. He paid close attention to Eddward's reaction. He instantly stiffened a bit, but he never flinched away or addressed the sudden proximity. A slight pink colored his cheeks and Kevin couldn't help, but smile at this. "So anyway, where ya been? I haven't seen you at the gym recently."

In all honesty this was a pointless question to ask because Kevin had been avoiding Eddward ever since he declared to himself that he liked Edd. Eddward always had a schedule and a plan. Kevin already knew the days when Eddward went to the gym. He was rarely there on a day that wasn't on his schedule, but when he was, there was certain vigor in his routine. When they had first started meeting at the gym it was purely coincidence until Kevin picked up on the schedule. The last week he went when he knew Eddward had already been. If it wasn't for the alcohol pumping through his veins now he doubted they would be having this conversation.

"I've been a few time, but as of recently I am preoccupied with college essays. I plan on resuming my normal routine once school begins," came Eddward's calculated and precise answer.

Leave it to the nerd to always be punctual, even at a party.

"Next time you go let me know. We can go together." Kevin said being very forward, if Eddward was a girl he was sure he would be getting laid tonight, but Eddward was not a girl, nor was it ever going to be that easy.

Eddward's lips twitched into a small side smile and Kevin was almost positive he could see goose bumps forming on the back of his neck, "Okay," was all he said.

Down to one worded answers. Kevin tried to think of something... anything to keep the conversation going. He finished the rest of his beer hastily and saw Eddward's face scrunch up in distaste out of the corner of his eye. Once Kevin finished he sat the empty bottle down on the side table and turned to look at Edd.

"You don't drink at all do you?"

Eddward straightened up and Kevin pulled his arm back just enough so Eddward could adjust his position before his arm crept in closer. His arm still lingered on the back of the couch, but if he moved it an inch closer he would be touching Edd. So close.

"I do not partake in the consumption of alcohol for my own reasons. I don't comprehend the point in consuming a beverage that will prohibit my better judgment and purposely decrease my reflexes,"

"Damn Double- I mean- shit, Edd," Kevin turned as he tried to think of something else to say, this conversation was no longer working in his favor.

"Double Dee!" Ed shouted as he ran over with Rolf's chicken under his arm, "look I can dance like a chicken too." Ed proclaimed as he held onto Gertrude with one arm and flapped his other while mumbling, "cluck, cluck."

Eddward laughed at this and shifted slightly in his seat which caused Kevin's arm to fall around his shoulders. Eddward instantly stiffened at the sudden contact and Kevin was sure he spiked a fever from how red his face was. Kevin had to think fast. If he didn't do something this moment would end and he was sure they wouldn't have another. He couldn't imagine another time when they would both be sitting on a love seat together.

Kevin looked to Edd, "why does he get to call you Double Dee? You yelled at me."

Eddward looked to Kevin dumbfounded. Kevin waited for the answer that would follow such a look. His arm was still around Eddward's shoulders and he was happy he hadn't tried to remove it.

"It's Ed," was all he said at first, but Kevin quirked an eyebrow waiting for more of an explanation. Eddward sighed and looked away refusing to meet his stare. "After what happened, Ed couldn't comprehend why I changed. Everyone else understood for the most part, but telling Ed that Double Dee was no more was never an option. Just because one person is broken it shouldn't affect the lives of everyone."

Kevin sat back in a stunned silence. This was as open as Eddward had ever been with him. Not that they ever shared a moment in the past where this was possible. For the first time Kevin saw Eddward in a new light and it made him all the more curious.

"For what it's worth, I quit the baseball team after what happened to you," Kevin admitted, "I know I was a bully in the past, but what he did was wrong. I know he was jailed for it, but still. It didn't feel right being surrounded by his friends after that."

A warm smile caressed Eddward's lips at the honesty Kevin displayed. "I thank you for that, though it was hardly necessary. There was no reason for you to quit because of someone else's actions."

"Yeah, but still." Kevin smiled and Eddward continued to blush.

To the side he heard Rolf and Johnny talking as they were getting ready to leave for the night. Rolf approached Ed and demanded his chicken be returned to which Ed frowned. Rolf sighed and told Ed he could walk back to Rolf's farm to return Gertrude and that he could see her another time. Ed bounded to the door yelling his goodbyes to Eddward and the three of them left. Something suddenly changed in Eddward. Kevin wasn't exactly sure what it was, but Eddward lost the warm inviting aroma and became withdrawn. He turned away to grab his phone off the side table.

"I should be leaving now," Eddward said.

Kevin frowned, but quickly regained his composure. "I'll walk ya,"

Eddward made an annoyed face at this, "I am perfectly capable of walking a few yards across the street, Kevin."

"I'm heading home anyway."

Truthfully he wanted to stay and talk to Edd for as long as possible, but if leaving now gave him the chance to spend a few more moments with him then he would take it. The opportunity might never arise again. Eddward headed to the door and Kevin went off to tell Nazz goodbye. As he approached her door he heard noises coming from the other side which he wished he hadn't and then decided against it. He met Eddward at the entrance of the house with a red blush on his face. Eddward titled his head slightly at Kevin's disheveled look.

"You don't even wanna know what I just heard. I'm never gunna get used to the two of them dating."

Eddward snorted at the statement and turned to exit the house with Kevin following closely behind. Once they stepped out into the brisk night air Eddward readjusted the hood on his sweater and shoved his hands in his pockets. Kevin walked beside him in companionable, yet awkward silence. The walk was short and there wasn't room for much to be said. Kevin had at least talked to him, but he still craved something more, like the promise of more time. Once they finally reached the center of the street which separated their homes Kevin turned to Edd and was about to speak, but Eddward beat him too it.

"I enjoyed our talk tonight Kevin, I thank you for the company."

"Don't mention it," he answered as he rubbed at the back of his reddening neck. This alcohol was kicking his ass, he would never be this forward with Edd, "we should hang sometime... like outside of the gym."

Edd seemed to ponder the sudden invitation of friendship for a moment. He looked like he was about to shut down the proposal altogether, but a warmth spread in his cheeks and he smiled slightly. "That would be acceptable. Another time then, Kevin." He said as he turned and walked the rest of the way to his house.

He never once looked back and Kevin was okay with that. He had done it. He talked to Eddward and now they were... sort of, almost, hopefully going to become friends in the possible future? Kevin smiled to himself as he finally turned and trudged up his front porch steps and tried to turn the handle...

Locked.

Kevin reached into his pocket for keys that he abruptly remembered were sitting on his dresser in his bedroom. He looked down willing the door to magically unlock, but it worked to no avail. His parents were gone and wouldn't be back until morning. He felt the beginning of a headache starting to become clear in his head and he shivered as a cold breeze swept by him. He turned and looked across the street to Eddward's house. A room was illuminated on the second floor and he figured that was Eddward's bedroom. He exhaled through his nose as he crossed the street to Eddward's house and rang the buzzer. He waited patiently until he heard footsteps approaching on the opposite side of the door.

When the door was opened Eddward stood there in a pair of loose fitting sweatpants that hung dangerously low off his hips. He was wearing a tight fitting black shirt and his beanie was present like always atop his head. He gave a small smirk at Kevin's arrival at his door.

"When you asked to hang out at another point in time I wasn't aware you meant tonight."

Kevin refused to blush, but he knew he was. Kevin normally didn't do "embarrassed," but right now he had no choice in the matter.

"I'm locked out. Can I stay here for the night?"

Eddward made a grunt of annoyance and looked down the street to Nazz's house. Kevin followed his stare and threw up his hands in surrender as he realized what Eddward was probably going to say.

"I can't go back to Nazz's house. They're... I don't even wanna think of what they're doing," he shuddered at the thought. "You wouldn't make me do that would you?" He almost begged.

Eddward laughed at this, "no I suppose not," and opened the door a little further, "very well, you may come in." He said as Kevin entered his home.

Kevin gulped as he made his way past Eddward. This was progressing faster than he had originally anticipated.


	6. Stay the Night

Nazz's party had been easier to stomach than he thought it would be. Sitting in the corner watching Ed dance was easy. Listening to his classical piano music took the edge off of reality. He was able to relax for once, that was until Kevin approached him. Eddward was used to pretending. He had done it for awhile now. Just smile and pretend everything was okay, while on the inside he was struggling to control his urges. Kevin threatened his control.

He had admired Kevin from afar since they were kids. He never really understood why he felt the things he felt. Kevin would walk by and he would melt internally. Kevin would say something and he would stutter on an over intellectual response which deemed him a dork. Kevin was perfection. Perfection that Eddward craved, but would never allow himself to have.

When he had looked up from his seat because a bystander was near him he was annoyed at first. He didn't want to converse with anyone from the cul-de-sac, but when he saw it was Kevin his heart fluttered slightly. Then Kevin had to go and refer to him as Double Dee... that hit a nerve, but he tried to ignore it. When Kevin put his arm around the back of the love seat just inches from Eddward's neck he ignored it. Kevin had been drinking, but then again most at the party had been. Eddward tried to disregard it, but whenever alcohol was present he remembered that night. The booze. The words. The hand clamping on him...

He did what he always did to remain calm when there wasn't a razor available. Breathe.

He kept his arm around him, well on the back of the love seat, but it was still around him and he was reveling in it. He thought the presence would leave, but Kevin stayed like that. Eddward had acted like it was nothing. Kevin was drunk, it was nothing. Right? When Kevin's arm finally fell around him he was done. In that moment it felt right and wrong all at the same time. This was all wrong. He was getting too close.

Eddward had explained why Ed was the only person allowed to call him Double Dee. He had never been that open with anyone before. He was vulnerable in that moment and it made him sick, but the conversation continued to flow. Kevin quit the baseball team because of him. Kevin cared somewhat for him. No, it had to be the alcohol.

Too much. Too much.

Eddward had hoped that once they parted that night he would be able to plan his next cut. He felt too out in the open. He felt like he had been exposed. Kevin had opened him up and seen a softer side of him and he needed to regain some ounce of dignity, some aspect of control. Kevin was dangerous. If he let his guard down that much just in conversation, a friendship between them could never... would never work. Kevin forced him to open up when all he wanted to do was shut the world out. Kevin and he could not be friends... but he still secretly wanted it.

Once Eddward had shut the door, effectively blocking himself from Kevin's gaze he darted up his stairs faster than he knew he could move. He stripped off his clothes and quickly changed into something more comfortable. The clothes that he wore to the party now held the lingering scent of Kevin. They were suffocating him. It was still a little too soon, but maybe he would cut in a different place tonight. He started debating in his mind when the doorbell rang downstairs. The last person he thought he would see was Kevin, but there he was and now here they were.

"Please discard your shoes by the closet door," Eddward said flatly as Kevin walked inside his home.

Kevin did as he was told and then turned to Edd. He was about to say something, but then his eyes became glued to the walls... they were completely covered in sticky notes. Sticky notes were strewn along the walls like a shaggy wallpaper begging to be ripped down. Kevin's mouth gaped slightly. Eddward turned to look about. His house looked normal to him.

"Dude, what's with the sticky notes everywhere?" Kevin asked as his eyes continued to wander.

Eddward merely shrugged, "this is the form of communication in which my parents chose to utilize."

"Okay... but why not tear'em down after you read them?"

Eddward seemed to ponder this for a moment before answering. "I'm making a point."

Kevin arched an eyebrow as he let his weight fall against the wall for support. His headache was growing, "what's the point then?"

"Forget it," he said as he started walking towards the stairs. He looked over his shoulder when he noticed Kevin wasn't following, "the guest bedroom is upstairs. Follow me, if you would."

Kevin followed solemnly behind Edd in silence up to the second floor. Eddward led him to his bedroom to gather some clothes and handed them over.

"The bathroom is adjacent to my room if you wish to shower; otherwise the guest bedroom is the last room down the hall." Eddward said as he went to his desk and flipped open his laptop.

"Yeah, thanks." Kevin responded and then headed to the bathroom.

Once Eddward heard the bathroom door close he buried his face in his hands as he slumped over his desk. Curse him for being so hospitable when all he craved was desolate solitude. His nerves twitched beneath his flesh. Once again he had to put his plans on hold. Truthfully, he was going to turn Kevin away and suggest he retire at Nazz's for the evening, but Kevin had a valid point, even Eddward would not want to be in a house where Eddy was spending quality time with his girlfriend. Kevin had sought him out above everyone else and that fact alone warmed Eddward to his core. And then... then he remembered Kevin was drunk and he was right across the street so he would be the logical choice.

Eddward stood and gripped his desk tightly beneath his fingers. This was probably a very bad idea. What if he had a nightmare? Or worse, what if Kevin saw? How would he dignify himself? What if he was struck with the overwhelming urge to cut and he could not resist? What if... what if...

"Hey, Dee? You alright man?"

Eddward's limbs tightened. He hadn't heard Kevin approaching. Eddward swallowed and turned to face him.

"I'm fine. I didn't expect you to come back so quickly."

"Yeah. I sorta skipped the shower. Figure I'd wait 'til morning when I can get into my house." Kevin answered as he strode across the floor dressed in Eddward's clothing, except for his red hat which was still perched on his head.

Eddward had given him a pair of plaid pajama pants and a grey shirt. It was oddly warming to see Kevin wearing his attire. He liked it. Kevin ungraciously plopped himself down on Eddward's bed and laid back. He rolled so he was facing Eddward and propped his head up with his elbow. Eddward was surprised at how comfortable Kevin was acting around him. True, they had met at the gym on occasion and worked out together, but now Kevin was in his home. He was lying on Eddward's bed. He looked completely at ease.

"Ugh, I drank way too much," Kevin moaned, "I'm usually good at knowing when to stop, but tonight was worth it."

Kevin was probably still drunk; Eddward had to keep reminding himself of that.

"I wouldn't know," Eddward said as he sat back down in his chair and swiveled it to face Kevin.

"Yeah, I guess not." Kevin replied as he glanced behind Edd's head and noticed an open document on the laptop, "Whatcha writing? School hasn't even started yet."

Eddward turned to his laptop and shut it. There wasn't a point now. He wouldn't be able to write coherent sentences with his mind buzzing as it was.

"College essays," came his quick answer.

Kevin sighed and fixed his gaze on Eddward. His eyes were hard and Eddward shifted slightly. Eddward was waiting for Kevin to slip back into his old habits and call him a nerd or a dork, maybe Double Dee perhaps, but those remarks never left his lips. In fact Kevin said something entirely different which caught Eddward off guard.

"You sure you're okay. You seem... I don't know, off?"

Eddward furrowed his brow at Kevin's observation. Off? He had perfected his mask there was no way Kevin had seen through him. The only people who knew he cut were Marie and Eddy. There was no way Kevin knew anything. A thought struck Eddward and he panicked. Did Kevin know he liked him? Was it something he said? No, impossible. Eddward had mastered hiding things over the past two years. Not even Eddy knew his sexual preference and Eddy was well gifted in reading people. He gulped.

"Care to elaborate?"

Kevin gave an awkward side shrug because he was still supporting his head with his arm, "I don't know man. You seemed kind of... what's the word I'm lookin' for, withdrawn?"

Eddward nodded in appreciation of Kevin's use of vocabulary, but didn't say a thing. Kevin waited for him to answer, but a response never came. Kevin sighed.

"Never mind. It's nothing I guess. Eddy was worried or whatever." As soon as the words left Kevin's mouth Eddward's face drained of blood.

Kevin scooted into a sitting position clearly knowing he fucked up. He rubbed the back of his reddening neck and Eddward noticed a nervous pattern. Whenever Kevin was put on the spot or embarrassed he rubbed his neck sheepishly. Eddward however, was now intrigued with this new found information.

"I wasn't aware you and Eddy conversed regularly," he said in a deadly low tone as he tilted his chair back and crossed his arms, "Please, I'd love to know what's so 'off' about me?"

Kevin coughed, "ugh, it's not like that. I mean- we don't talk. I..." Kevin sighed and refused to look at Edd," Nazz asked me. I guess Eddy was worried that night when I walked her over. He musta said something to her. She wanted me to talk to you."

Eddward felt slightly betrayed by this knowledge. Kevin only approached him at the party because Nazz wanted him too. Kevin was only here now because of Nazz, probably. Eddward's stomach felt weird. He couldn't place it. Kevin didn't care. That hurt, more than Eddward would let himself admit.

"I'm tired Kevin, please retreat to the guest bedroom. I wish to sleep now." Eddward said as he stood and padded over to his bed.

Kevin rose to meet Eddward. They stood in close proximity facing each other. Kevin was slightly taller, by approximately two inches, but Eddward held his ground. At this distance Eddward could feel the breath as it exhaled through Kevin's nose. He could feel the warmth radiating off his body. Eddward would not buckle. He needed to remain firm in his stance. Kevin was not here because he wanted to be, he was here out of obligation to a friend. Eddward was seething inside, his betrayal turned to hate.

"Eddward, you can talk to me," Kevin exclaimed as he placed a steady hand on Edd's shoulder.

Eddward stiffened beneath the touch. His breath caught in his throat. Kevin had never referred to him by his actual name before. Kevin squeezed his shoulder lightly and Eddward gave a small side smile at the gesture, but refused to make eye contact. He was having a battle within himself. If Kevin was being truthful then a friendship was definitely possible... but then again Kevin was slightly intoxicated and might not feel the same when morning came. Still, Eddward had to admit, he liked him being this close.

"Thank you, Kevin." Eddward said as he grabbed the hand Kevin had placed on his shoulder and moved it off of him, "but as I previously stated, I'm tired."

Their fingers brushed slightly and a chill ran through Eddward as Kevin seemed to admit defeat and walked by him, heading for the guest bedroom. He clicked off the light before he did so casting Eddward's bedroom into darkness. When Eddward heard the familiar click of his door followed by footsteps treading down the hall he relaxed and slumped onto his bed. He smiled as he curled in on himself. He felt... happy? He hadn't felt this good in a very long time. His smile ceased to exist as his previous thoughts began to tug at the outskirts of his mind.

Kevin talked to him because of Nazz.

Kevin was drunk.

Kevin and he were not really friends.

If he had a nightmare tonight Kevin would see.

He imagined his razor and shook his head. No, not tonight. There was no way he could risk it. He felt his control slowly fleeing as he tried desperately to hone in on it. Breathe Eddward. Inhale. Exhale.

Just be calm. Remain calm. Pretend everything's okay. Don't let that perfect mask fall. It might be cracking on the sides, but it's not broken, not yet anyway.

Breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Just remember. It's okay not to be okay.

Unconsciousness tugged at his mind and before long he was drifting into the welcoming depths of sleep. Calm and peaceful slumber eluded him once again. In his mind he saw Kevin. Kevin gave him warm and exciting sensations. Ones he thought he would never experience, but then he smelt alcohol. There was a ski mask. Those voices were back, the ones who took him and almost killed him. They kicked him. They beat him. His wrist was shattered and it ached against the concrete which was wet from blood, his blood. His body ached. There was a deadly pang emanating from his chest. He could feel the blade twisting and turning, effectively ripping his flesh. He was dying. Life was escaping him. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe.

He sat upright in bed covered in a cold sweat. His fingertips were numb of any sensation. He stood slowly and stumbled. His lamp fell off his bedside table and hit the floor. The base shattered and Eddward was drawn in by the sharp pieces that laid near his feet. Some were jagged while others had a fine point. He wanted to reach out and grab one. He almost did, but no. He staggered making his way to the door. He needed to shake these feelings. He needed to see blood. He craved the feeling of a sharp, precise slice tearing the seams of his skin.

As he opened the door he was met with a bare chest blocking his path. A body steadied him and a voice whispered in his ear, but the words never registered. He tried to move past the foreign body, but a hand came up and grabbed his wrist. Eddward panicked. His left wrist was trapped. The scars were now underneath someone else's grasp. No. Control was gone. His sanity was slipping into chaos. He was desperate. He tried to push by. He could hear the blood rushing through his veins. He wanted to see that blood dripping down his arm. He wanted to cause the disturbance. This outside force needed to move, now. He shoved against it hard.

"Eddward!"

His eyes snapped up towards the sound of the hoarse voice. Kevin's frightened face was staring back at him. His brows were knitted tight and his jaw was clenched. His hat was not there and instead tiny wisps of hair accompanied by a few short bangs were perfectly sculpted around his face. Eddward's heart was racing. His breaths started coming harder. His chest was convulsing, his lungs tightened. Kevin's strong arms encircled him letting his aching wrist limp freely at his side. He hugged him hard and Eddward had never been so afraid before. Kevin was here, seeing him have a panic attack. He was weak and pathetic. Tears threatened to pierce the corners of his eyes.

"Edd, talk to me. What happened?" Came Kevin's voice again. It was stern and hard, but yet still caring.

Eddward didn't trust himself to speak. He was sure his voice would crack and that would only prove to embarrass himself further. Of all the nightmares Edd's mind had ever conjured up, this moment was truly the most frightening thing he had ever endured. He wasn't even sure his own subconscious could ever scare him again after this. This vulnerability was scraping away at his dignity.

After his nightmares he usually called Marie, but Marie was never there to see the aftermath directly. Sure, she could hear it a little in his voice. She maybe even had a vague idea of what ran through his mind, but she always arrived after he had been able to compose himself. Kevin was witnessing everything first hand. There was no recovering from this. This was raw and pure.

Eddward swallowed. He wasn't sure how much time had passed. Kevin was rubbing soothing circles on his back now, his grip ever tight around Eddward's petite frame. Eddward wanted desperately to relax into the comforting effort, but his mind wouldn't allow him that simple luxury. He tried to focus on what was around him. Kevin's arms. Kevin's touch. Kevin's chest... his face was buried into the crook of Kevin's neck. The hard muscles of his chest were warm against his own. Kevin had a musky scent that permeated Edd's nose. He took a deep breath before he spoke.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you," he finally managed to say.

Kevin pulled away, taking his body heat with him. Eddward shivered slightly as he tried to back away from the strong chest before him. His cheeks were flushed and his hair was disheveled. His hat had long been forgotten on his bed somewhere, probably tangled in his sheets in heat of the nightmare. Kevin grabbed his arms to keep him from backing away any further.

"Edd, please. What's going on? You're scaring me." Kevin confessed.

Kevin's eyes were pleading, begging Eddward to confess his secrets. He swallowed nervously as he steadied his stance on the floor. Was this okay? Could he really open up to Kevin of all people? Whether it was his sleep deprived elusive state or the surreal moment they were sharing, Eddward talked.

"I have panic attacks," he admitted shamefacedly, his eyes stuck on Kevin's chest. "They are triggered by nightmares which seem to endlessly plague me. That night will forever haunt me."

There. He said it. Now it was out in the open. Now it was up to Kevin. Eddward wondered how the jock would react to the information. Seconds ticked by between them. Eddward counted the time between the rise and fall of Kevin's chest. Kevin didn't move. Eddward wasn't sure if that was good or bad. He was still standing there though, he hadn't scared him away. Not yet at least. Kevin's chest tightened as he pulled Eddward in close. He obliged. For just this moment he would allow himself to be vulnerable. He promised himself this would never happen again, he didn't break promises.

"I'm sorry," came Kevin's soft voice which categorized just above a whisper, "I'm here Edd. I don't know much about what you're goin' through, but I'm here." He reassured him.

The resonance of Kevin's affirmative tone hummed throughout Eddward. He felt safe and it was scary, yet thrilling all at the same time. Like a roller coaster he wasn't sure to ride or not. Was it safe? He had never been this open before. He never trusted himself to open up. Maybe Kevin and he could be friends after all, maybe.

Kevin stiffened and Eddward felt his head turn, "what happened to your lamp?"

Edd winced as his face turned, never leaving the safety of Kevin's warm embrace, "that was an accident."

Kevin gave a short, almost reserved laugh as his arms fell from the hug and he walked over to the discarded shards of the dismembered lamp. He picked up the bigger pieces and deposited them in the nearby trash. Eddward used this moment to continue to his original destination, but for a different reason altogether. Kevin didn't seem to notice he left. Once he entered the bathroom he ran the cold water in the sink and cupped his hands beneath it. He splashed the water on his face in a hopeless attempt of ridding his cheeks of their reddening pigment. He looked into the mirror and was met with a wearisome reflection of a broken mask which was barely hanging on by a fraying thread.

Once his pale complexion returned he exited the bathroom and walked back into his room. As he approached the bed he noticed a silhouette lying on one side in the dark room. Eddward froze as Kevin turned his face to him, he could make out a smile etched into his face.

"Kevin, what are you doing?" Eddward asked afraid to take another step.

Kevin frowned as he patted the space beside him on the bed, "Seriously Dee? I'm not leaving you alone after that."

Eddward stared at him in disbelief. Did he honestly expect him to crawl into bed beside him... and then what? Eddward didn't trust himself to fall asleep beside Kevin, especially if the nightmare returned. Kevin seemed to sense the uneasiness between them.

"Edd, come on. Look I'll sleep on the floor or whatever once you fall asleep, but you seriously scared me." Kevin said as he tried to coax him closer.

Kevin relaxed back on the bed with his hands behind his head. His chest was still free from the shirt Eddward had originally given him to wear. The plaid pajama pants were still on and Edd could just make out the edges of his boxers peeking out from beneath the waist of the fabric. Eddward sighed as he reluctantly let his feet carry him to the bed. He crawled onto the bed, never once looking at Kevin and turned so he was facing away. He felt Kevin shift beside him and he soon felt a warm breath hitting the back of his neck. His body stiffened. This was more intimate than he had ever been with someone and it was hardly intimate at all. Eddward was sure he was blushing for the umpteenth time that night; luckily Kevin could not see this time.

"Edd. I meant what I said. I'm here."

Those words traveled through Edd's ears and struck him to the core. There was pure serenity laced in his voice. Kevin did care; there wasn't a trace of deceit in his words. For once there was someone here in his house he could talk to, someone to listen. Not another sticky note.

"Kevin?"

"Yeah Edd?"

"Remember earlier, when you inquired as to why I haven't discarded the sticky notes upon my walls. Truthfully, I am attempting to make a point to my parents, but they're never around to see it. I keep the sticky notes up because I- I feel invisible amongst them. They keep piling up and I'm drowning from them. To people such as my parents, sticky notes provide an adequate means of communication. They write what they need to inform me of and I do as they say or simply comprehend the message. As a kid I would tear them down once the task was complete. But as of late- I just leave them. I guess it's a vague attempt at making them talk to me in person. It's stupid, really, but-"

"No, it's not stupid at all." Kevin said as he stretched his arm out and grabbed Edd around the waist.

Eddward's heart pumped furiously beneath his chest. He felt a warm tingling sensation travel throughout his entire body. This no longer felt wrong. It felt right even though deep down he knew it shouldn't.

Soft snores soon traveled up to meet his ears and Eddward smiled. He had a feeling that he wouldn't have another nightmare tonight.


	7. I Won't Yield

Eddward was vaguely aware that his body no longer succumbed to the depths of sleep. He knew he was awake, but he refused to move. Morning beams of sunlight were piercing through the crevices in his blinds. His body still ached for rest. It was rare when he ever had a good night's sleep and right now he wanted to prolong getting out of bed for just a little while longer.

He reached his hand up to pull his hat over his eyes, but was met with messy locks of hair instead. He grunted in annoyance as he dropped his arm back down and was met with something warm and hard at the base of his hand. He furrowed his brow as he pushed his hand down a little further. A soft moan escaped the body below him and Eddward's eyes shot open. All the actions of the previous night flooded through his head in rapid succession, everything that lead up to this moment.

Kevin was lying on his back and Eddward was molded to the side of his body with his head resting on his chest. Eddward let his eyes travel up to the sleeping face of the boy next to him and then down his body to where his hand rested. Kevin's morning arousal was in his grasp and he was terrified. He carefully moved his hand away from the warmth and rested his hand at his side. He gently pushed himself up with his elbow and untangled his leg from under Kevin's. He scooted so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He put his elbows on his knees and let his head fall into his open palms. He sighed heavily. He was beyond mortified.

Kevin had seen everything; he had seen him stripped down to nothing, but the cowardly child he felt like. Only small children were haunted by insignificant nightmares. There was no recovering from that moment of weakness. All he could do now was hope that when Kevin woke up their relationship would return to the nonexistent bond that it was and they would never speak of what happened ever again. Beside him Kevin shifted and yawned hazily. A hand touched Eddward's back and he flinched, but the hand remained.

"Morning Dee, you feelin' any better?" Came Kevin's lazy voice.

Eddward felt Kevin's fingers squeeze his arm lightly like he was giving him strength to go forward. Eddward sighed as his eyes fixated on his beanie which had been abandoned on the carpet a few feet away.

"Good morning Kevin," he finally managed to say, his voice betraying him as it wavered.

He wondered if Kevin could sense the uneasiness the events of the previous night had caused. Eddward felt the bed shift as Kevin changed his position. Eddward remained where he was as he contemplated his options.

"Dee?"

Kevin was not going to back down, Eddward was sure of it. He had a few options to choose from. He could accept Kevin into his life and let Kevin witness him unravel at the seams. No, actually that was not an option. He could make up an excuse or he could tell him the truth or... he could run away and pretend his life wasn't one giant mess like his broken lamp which lay in the trash near his desk. In the end Eddward decided on denial. Hopefully Kevin would accept that.

"I am grateful for the concern you held for me regarding the happenings of last night, but I would sincerely appreciate it if we withheld from addressing it further."

Kevin tugged at Eddward's arm trying to coax him to lie back down, but Eddward refused. Maybe denial was not going to work here. Eddward got to his feet and grabbed his hat from the floor. He adjusted it on his head and left the room at a pace between walking and jogging. Eddward hoped Kevin would accept this notion, but to his dismay he heard the jock stumble out of bed and charge after him. Kevin reached him in the hallway just as he was about to descend the staircase.

"Edd," he said as he reached out and grabbed his arm holding him in place, "don't shut me out man. I meant what I said last night. I'm here. You can talk to me."

Eddward stood frozen to the spot. Kevin's warmth spread through him once again and he reminisced in the feel of his touch. He wanted more than anything to trust Kevin, to confide in him, but he just couldn't. He was battling his inner demons and the turmoil was almost more than he could bear. Trusting Kevin meant opening up and exposing himself. It meant relying on someone and giving them access to his vulnerable state.

He would need to tell Kevin everything. Explain to him what was wrong and... his wrist. He yanked his arm out of Kevin's hand and cradled his wrist against his chest. He wasn't wearing a sweat band and his scars were completely exposed. No, opening up meant letting Kevin in and he could not do that. He needed to keep what little control he had over his body. Kevin wouldn't understand.

"Kevin, I am fine. Please refrain from touching me."

"But, last night-"

"Kevin, I already stated that I would prefer if we no longer discussed the actions of last night. I'm fine, I assure you."

"That's bullshit and you know it," the red-head stated angrily as he crossed his arms over his still shirtless upper body.

Eddward had to resist the urge to let his eyes travel. They needed to remain looking at Kevin's face. He would never convey his point ogling at Kevin's naked flesh.

"It doesn't matter. It's none of your concern," Eddward said, his eyes hard and uncaring.

Kevin quirked an eyebrow, challenging him, "Excuse me? Dee, you fell apart last night. You said you have panic attacks. I'm making it my concern."

"This false sense of stability forged off a few isolated conversations does not offer you permission into my life."

Kevin looked dumbfounded; Eddward was sure nothing he said registered in the jock's brain. At times like these he hated his advanced vocabulary. It cursed him with the ability to properly convey his points at a reading level very few people in his life could comprehend. Maybe there was a better way to keep Kevin from prying further. It pained him to think about it and he would probably hate himself in the future, but this moment of vulnerability called for desperate measures. He cleared his throat.

"We are not friends Kevin and you've overstayed your welcome." The words left Eddward's mouth and seemed to slap Kevin with a force he didn't know he possessed.

For a brief moment there was hurt reflected in Kevin's eyes with maybe a trace of rejection, but anger soon swarmed in to take its rightful place. Kevin was defeated. Eddward refused to let him claim this victory.

A loud ring echoed through the house and Eddward sighed in annoyance. Only one person ever called him this early on the house phone. This morning was turning into something only his nightmares could muster.

"Pardon me," Eddward said as he made his way down the stairs, he never looked back to see Kevin's face. It was more than he could handle.

As he rounded the corner into the kitchen he quickly looked at the caller ID on the phone and promptly rolled his eyes. He was right about who was calling. He waited until the last ring before he finally answered the call. He took a deep breath before speaking. He had a feeling that this call would test his patience.

"Hello Mother," he breathed out.

"Good morning sweetie, did I wake you up?" His mother asked cheerfully.

"No, you did not."

Eddward hunched over the counter as he held the phone to his ear. His mother or father for that matter rarely called, but when they did it was early in the morning. The calls came every two weeks or so and always before a new school year started. In Eddward's eyes it was his parents' failed attempt of being there for him. While most parents would make you a hearty breakfast and drop you off on the first day of school, Eddward's chose to call him and remind him that they 'loved him' even though they weren't there to show it.

"Honey, are you okay? You sound exhausted. Did you get enough sleep?

Eddward's eyes twitched in annoyance and he had to take a deep breath before he answered, "just fine Mother. I was up late writing a college essay." It wasn't a complete lie.

"Oh Eddward, I'm so proud of you. You're always one step ahead of the other kids. Your first choice is Stanford correct? They have a wonderful medical program." His mother was positively beaming through the phone and it was a little hard to stomach her enthusiasm given his current mood and state.

Eddward sighed into the phone loud enough for his mother to hear. "No. As I previously told you I won't be applying there."

"You need to focus on what's best for your future Eddward, your father and I have talked to you about this on multiple occasions," his mother stated in a stern tone taking on the authoritative parental role which was consistently void in his life except on occasions like this.

"Mother, unless you have anything else of relevance to say I must go." Eddward bit out angrily as he squeezed the phone, his nerves were still wired from the events of the previous night and he refused to be scolded like a child.

His mother's voice came hard, "Eddward, do not speak to me that way. I am your mother and-"

He had been through a roller coaster ride of emotions over the past few weeks and last night proved to be almost too much for him to handle. The morning had been too much. His mother was too much.

He was done.

"You're part of the reason I am this way, don't pretend to care now," Eddward cut her off and looked to his wrist, "Don't act like I've failed you when you've continuously failed me. Goodbye mother."

His mother tried to talk, but he ended the call and then turned the phone back on so she would get a busy signal if she attempted to call back. His parent's didn't have his cell phone number thankfully. It had been a gift from them when he started high school and a reoccurring expense along with all the other bills for the house that were charged to their credit cards monthly. They probably forgot he owned one. Eddward squeezed the phone tightly in his hand until his knuckles were pasty white. He wasn't sure how much more his mind could possibly take before it snapped. He slammed the phone down hard with one hand and shoved his other under his hat and grabbed at his hair.

Why couldn't she see? He was her son. Surely, she should have seen a difference in him. Two years ago when she called he would have been overjoyed to talk to her. Just the chance to hear his mother's voice and have a few moments of her attention was enough to make him the happiest kid in the world, but now... how could she not hear the difference in his tone. Could she truly not sense the disdain he held for their lack of empathy. Was she in denial possibly? She couldn't ignore him forever. Well, maybe she could. She'd been doing a great job of it for the past seventeen years. Eddward felt familiar tears swelling up in his eyes and he rubbed at them furiously with his arm, no she didn't deserve tears.

A soft step meters behind him alerted him to the presence of someone else in the room, Kevin. He had completely forgotten that the red-head was still in his home. How stupid could he be? First he had a mental breakdown which Kevin needed to calm him down from and now he was collapsed over his kitchen counter crying, how much lower could he sink before the water took him down forever.

"Please leave," Eddward said in a faltering voice.

"Edd-" Kevin said as he took another step into the kitchen.

Eddward slammed his hand down hard on the counter. This was it. He refused to allow himself to fall any further. It was time to take back his control.

"I said get out!" Eddward yelled.

Eddward never yelled, not unless he was in denial, but he would never admit that though. Ironic.

He heard footsteps leave his house and the click of the front door assured him that he was now alone.

Fuck planning, he needed to cut. He needed to do it right now. Kitchens were wonderful in their abundance of sharp and dangerous objects.

Try as he might, Eddward could not forget that morning. It was a giant mural that hung centerfold in his mind and try as he might he couldn't get it down. The time span from when Kevin sat down on Nazz's couch to the moment he screamed at Kevin to leave his house seemed to replay in his mind at any given moment. So many emotions had traveled through his body and now he felt as if Kevin and he were strangers. Well, he had blatantly told Kevin they were not friends, so strangers they would continue to be.

School had started back up again and Eddward avoided Kevin as much as he could. He stopped going to the gym altogether and instead used the equipment in his basement. Sure it was old and out of date, but exercising alone became a new way of taking back his control. If he hurt himself it was because he pushed too hard and no one was there to stop him, and that was okay.

His leg ached now from a dull cut caused by a butter knife on his upper thigh. It had been the first thing in grabbing distance once Kevin left and Eddward hacked at his leg in desperation. Sure it was messy and unorganized, but Eddward had liked it, more than he was willing to admit. The dull knife had hurt more than the smooth slice of a razor, but that moment called for something drastic. It wasn't very long or deep, but it still ached nonetheless. Eddward smiled as he deposited his books on the top shelf of his locker, he had his control back.

Beside him someone approached and slumped against the side of the adjoining locker. Eddward peered around his open locker door and saw none other than Eddy with a miserable expression stitched onto his face. Eddy met his eyes and grit his teeth.

"I hate the first week of school, it's nothin' but agendas and projects that are already due and the same old teachers disappointed I'm in their classes again, fucking sucks." He said as he kicked a leg up behind him on the locker door.

Eddward merely shook his head as he continued to organize the inhabitants of his locker. Eddy seemed to notice his friend's reluctance to speak and shifted nervously.

"Dee, you're not still mad at me are ya?" Came a voice that seemed too sincere and small to come from Eddy's boisterous mouth.

"Why would I hold ill will towards you Eddy? You only betrayed my trust and confided to Nazz who sought out Kevin to 'fix me,' I don't see an issue." Eddward said almost sarcastically as he shut his locker with enough force to cause Eddy to flinch beside him.

"Come on Dee, it wasn't even like that. Besides I never thought Nazz would tell Kevin of all people," he pleaded, his voice starting to rise.

Eddward slapped his hand abruptly on the closed metal door and stared in disbelief at Eddy, "he's her best friend."

Eddy turned his gaze away and tightened his arms across his chest. His face was scrunched up but soon relaxed as his eyes fell upon something, or rather someone. Eddward turned his attention to where Eddy's eyes had drifted. Nazz was walking down the halls with a few of the cheerleaders and a couple of the guys from the football team. One of them tried to put his arm around her, but Nazz shooed his hand away. Eddward turned his attention back to Eddy who was now battling with the urge to walk over and claim his girlfriend. Nazz looked over to Eddy and smiled brightly and Eddy turned his face from her. Hurt splashed across Nazz's face as she stopped at the destination the group had originally been heading for, Kevin's locker.

Kevin's locker just had to be a few yards from his as fate would have it.

"Honestly Eddy, just go talk to her."

"Are you fucking serious Sockhead? I can't just walk over there," Eddy said as he pushed off the locker he had been leaning against so he could face Eddward head on.

"She's your girlfriend Eddy and she clearly doesn't like this preposterous arrangement."

Even though Nazz had announced to the cul-de-sac kids that she and Eddy were together no one at school knew. Eddy had previously confided to Eddward about how he didn't want anyone to treat Nazz any differently. Nazz flourished in school. She was popular and beautiful and girls like her simply didn't go for lowlife scum like Eddy. The last thing Eddy wanted was for Nazz to fall from grace by dating him. It was only a year. After the school year was over things would be different.

"Not like I like it either," he replied.

Eddward sighed and looked back over to who Nazz was talking with. She was leaning against the locker by a boy in a distinctive red hat. Kevin finished grabbing his books from his locker and tossed them in his bag. He swung the backpack over his shoulder and closed his locker with his elbow before leaning into it. In a way Kevin and Nazz looked like they were dating, it pissed Eddy off to no end, but it did help their situation. If people believed Nazz and Kevin were together then no one would try to talk to her.

Eddward watched Kevin talk with Nazz and took in every detail of the jock. The way his bangs poked out from beneath his signature hat. How his dark gray hoodie hugged his body perfectly. The way his jeans amplified his legs. His strong jaw and the handsome curve of his smile. Him in general. Eddward remembered glimpses of Kevin's bare chest. The images felt like a distant memory of a night that should have been forgotten.

"Ahem," came the annoyed cough of his short friend smiling beside him and Eddward scowled as he turned to meet Eddy's criticizing eyes, "how much longer were ya gunna stare at him?" Eddy asked as a devilish smirk began devouring his face.

Later that day after Eddward had banished Kevin from his house and made a destructive gash in his leg he'd gone to Eddy's home. At first he purely wanted to confront Eddy and find out what had been said to Nazz. He knew Eddy would never purposely expose his cutting secrets, but he needed reassurance that this information was still safe. That kind of knowledge couldn't be floating around amongst their peers.

During the conversation Eddward had told Eddy of how Kevin had come home with him and one way or another, Eddward still wasn't quite sure how, but Eddy had placed all the pieces together. Years of hiding his desire for Kevin had been discovered unintentionally in a single moment. He had kept the details to a minimum. He hadn't revealed that Kevin wore his clothes to bed, calmed him, hugged him, and slept shirtless beside him. Eddy just knew by the raging blush that burned his cheeks, but he accepted him.

"Take your own advice Sockhead, go talk to him," Eddy said smiling greedily as he challenged Edd.

Eddward scoffed as he turned from Eddy and began walking to his next class which they coincidentally shared. Eddy hurried alongside to keep up with him. Eddward was still mad at Eddy in a way and he hated that his feelings were now known, but in a way it was a relief. At least now he knew he would be accepted by his friends and not shunned.

"It's hardly the same Eddy."

"Whatever you say, Dee," came his sleazy comeback.

Eddward rolled his eyes as they approached their history class. They filed into the classroom which housed rows of desks accompanied by seats. Eddward sat towards the back so he was beside the window and Eddy sat beside him on the other side. Their teacher let them stick with the seats they had chosen on the first day and Eddward was happy for that. A few years ago he would have chosen one of the very first seats close to the front, but those days were dead and gone. Being in the back corner gave him a sense of solitude even when the room was full of students.

As the bell sounded and the teacher began talking Eddward's eyes focused on the window. He knew this material already and wasn't too keen on paying attention to the lecture, that was until the teacher called for everyone's undivided attention.

"Well, it seems we have a new addition to the class. Welcome Kevin Barr, what brings you to World History II?" The teacher asked.

Eddward swallowed the lump which had been forming in his throat. This year they didn't share a single class which Eddward was relieved about, until now.

"Guess there was a mistake on my schedule. They had me in a history class I'd already taken, took them a few days to fix it." Kevin answered as he surveyed the classroom.

"Hmm, we already have pairs assigned for your project due after winter break. Let's see, we'll have to make a group of three."

Eddy's smirk grew as his eyes fell on Eddward who shifted uncomfortably. He and Eddy were partners; Eddy wouldn't dare offer Kevin sanctuary in their group. Eddy's hand shot up followed by his forced willingness to help out.

"Kevin can join our group."

Kevin's eyes snapped up to the sound of Eddy's voice and he scowled, but when his eyes fell on Eddward they softened slightly for only a moment. Eddward lowered his gaze as he tugged on the sleeves of his sweater.

"Very well, you'll be with Eddy and Eddward," the teacher said as he jotted something down on a piece of paper, "please find an empty seat, Mr. Barr."

Kevin sat on the opposite side of the classroom which Eddward was thankful for. Eddward's murderous eyes fell back on Eddy who looked at him innocently.

"To answer your question from earlier Eddy, not only am I furious with you, I despise you."

Eddy gave a small bark of laughter at his friend's choice of words. His face was turned towards the front of the classroom where he could see a certain red-head turn slightly in his chair. Kevin glanced at them from over his shoulder but didn't make direct eye contact. Eddy was very observant, however and noticed this action.

"You can thank me later Sockhead."

"Kevin and I are not friends, Eddy."

"Isn't that your fault for bein' a dick?" Eddy asked as he cast Edd a side glare, asking him to challenge his word.

Eddward huffed, but didn't answer.

Eddward spent the rest of the class staring out the window and then staring at his wrist which was still covered by his sweater. After he cut his thigh he'd been fine if that made sense. He was able to relieve all his pent up frustrations and anger in a few agonizing, yet glorious moments. He hadn't felt the desire to cut since then, until now.

The thought of working with Kevin for the next few months made his fingers feel uncomfortably numb. His chest ached and he missed the feeling of a blade perched securely between his thumb and index finger. He unraveled in front of Kevin for some reason and he couldn't figure out why. Whenever he was near Kevin he felt the edges of his mind unravel. Kevin was able to comfort him in ways no one had been able to and that scared Eddward.

He wasn't the trusting type. He couldn't let Kevin in and expect him to know and understand everything that was wrong with him. Kevin would demand answers. Kevin would require more than he was willing to give. Kevin was dangerous. Kevin threatened his control. And for some reason, Kevin gave him an odd sense of hope. Eddward was dragged from his thoughts when the bell rang dismissing them from their class. He stood and collected his things as he made his way out of the room. Kevin was waiting by the door and he walked past him without a second glance.

Eddward continued down the hall until a hand clamped on his shoulder halting any further movement. Eddward was seething as he turned to lay eyes on the person who would dare touch him. His eyes hardened when he was met with Kevin's vicious smirk. Kevin had allowed Eddward to turn and once they were staring at each other his arm shot out holding him in place.

"You can't keep ignoring me, Dee."

Eddward relaxed slightly under the pressure, but kept his menacing gaze. "Remove your hand."

Kevin retracted his hand and Eddward was sad to watch it go, but he refused to let it show. His eyes followed Kevin's hand until it rested at his side. His eyes snapped back up to meet Kevin's. He was smiling as if he'd won the state championship.

"You busy after school?" Kevin asked.

"I have track practice until five."

"Alright, my practice lets out around then. I'll meet you on the field and you can fill me in on the details of our project on the way home." Kevin answered and then turned to leave, "Later Dee," he called out over his shoulder as he disappeared into the crowd of students rushing off to their next classroom destination.

Eddward was left dumbfounded. Kevin just told him they were going home together. Whose home? He wasn't sure. Thoughts of Kevin walking through his house without a shirt on filtered through his mind for a second time that day and a warm sensation spread through his muscles. He shook his head. Kevin was becoming a reoccurring problem. Eddward still hadn't decided if it was a welcome one or not.


	8. Reconnect

Kevin never considered himself a caring person. He didn't do the whole compassion and understanding thing. Being soft just wasn't his style. He was a guy after all and a jock above all else. He was on the football team and he had a reputation to uphold. There was only one time when he'd deemed it acceptable to be soft for a little while.

It was his freshman year of high school. Nazz and he had tried dating, a single date to be exact. It didn't end how he wanted it to. There was no kiss or a promise of a second one to come. The chemistry simply didn't exist between them. It hurt more than Kevin would ever let her know. All throughout his childhood Kevin was certain that he and Nazz would end up together. He was sure all the other cul-de-sac kids felt the same way too.

They failed at romance, but their friendship was solidified and stronger than ever afterwards. Later that year Nazz had tried dating someone else, it was only for a few months, but it slowly destroyed her. Nazz was strong and independent and the guy emotionally drained her. When they finally ended it, Nazz did what she always did when she needed someone to talk to, she ran to Kevin.

Kevin had stayed up all night with her. He listened to her sob and cry and by the end of the long night he wasn't sure how he managed not to cry himself. Nazz was his best friend and he didn't know what to say to cease her tears. He just sat there in their awkward embrace and patted her back until she left. Comforting Nazz was nothing like comforting Edd.

The second Kevin saw Eddward trying to stumble from his room it was like he just knew what to do. His arms shot out to grab at Edd and hold him steady. His hands melded into Eddward's flesh perfectly. Edd was an incoherent mess and no matter how many times Kevin called and shook him there was no getting through. Eddward had cried into his bare chest and it gave Kevin a protective urge. He never expected to see Edd in such a way. Eddward had become so strong over the past few years, but that night he was Double Dee. He was the same gap-toothed nerd Kevin had bullied and laughed at.

Kevin wanted to blame his reaction to Eddward on the alcohol because it seemed like the only logical reason as to why Kevin could feel such a way towards another guy. If alcohol was the reason then come morning he would have felt differently, right? Unfortunately alcohol was not at fault in that scenario, Kevin's preference was. Having Eddward in his grasp was one of the best experiences he could ever recall having. The circumstances weren't ideal, but the sentiment behind it was all the same. Kevin was devastated when morning came.

It was like Eddward boxed up the entire night and shoved it away where it could never be found and opened. He had shut Kevin out entirely and the words came so harsh that Kevin was at a loss for words,

"We are not friends Kevin."

That hurt, that hurt a lot.

Kevin had been punched, kicked, tackled, he even sustained a broken leg once, but nothing hurt as much as those words slicing through and verbally assaulting him.

Eddward held a certain facade that everyone accepted, but it wasn't fooling him. He knew there was something more haunting him inside the depths of his mind. No one opens up and bares their soul and then pretends it never happened, right? Kevin was at a loss for comprehension.

If the team knew what he'd succumbed to on the night he held Edd, he'd be ridiculed, but would it be worth it? Yes, definitely. Kevin would have done anything including giving up his reputation if it meant he could rewind back to that night and comfort Eddward. Kevin replayed that night in his head every spare moment he had. Maybe there was something more he could have said. What if he had stood his ground and told Edd he wouldn't leave no matter what? What if he had hugged him again after the vicious slur of words? No matter how badly he wanted to, he couldn't change what had happened that morning.

Truthfully, he was determined to stay and fight Eddward until the kid yielded, but those words had hurt. Kevin had broken plenty of hearts in his high school days, but had never been on the receiving end. Now he knew what that pain felt like.

But things were going to change. Eddward couldn't ignore him anymore because now they had a group project that joined them. Kevin couldn't focus on practice that afternoon. He dropped the ball countless times. He stumbled while running and got tackled more times than he wanted to admit. His mind just wasn't in the game at all. As soon as the coach dismissed them he ran towards the gym where the track team practiced. He scanned the room and refused to believe it, but Eddward was not there. Something akin to a growl escaped from his mouth as he staggered towards the locker room.

That dork was really ignoring him. Kevin was furious.

After he showered and changed he exited the boys' locker room. Instead of leaving through the back like the other football players did, he decided to make his way through the empty school halls. He still held onto some shred of hope that Eddward was still in the building. He refused to believe that the kid would just ignore him like this. Maybe it was Kevin's stubborn pride or a relentlessness to admit that his unknown harbored feelings weren't mutual. When he saw Ed at his locker a small smile crept onto his lips. The dorks usually traveled home together.

Ed was in his gym clothes and Kevin figured he probably just got out of wrestling practice. His shirt was soaked with sweat and he was willing to bet that Ed's hygiene habits were still deplorable.

"Hey Ed," he called out as he sauntered over.

The tallest of the Eds turned at the sound of his name with a lopsided grin, "hiya Kevin!" He bellowed as he continued stuffing random stuff into his bag from his locker.

"Where's Edd?" Kevin asked as he leaned against the wall of lockers with his duffel bag full of football gear hanging off his shoulder.

Ed's face scrunched up at the simple question. "I am Ed, Kevin," he stated matter-of-factly.

Kevin slapped a hand to his forehead and pulled it slowly down his face in exasperation. How Eddward could associate with someone like Ed was beyond his understanding. Then again, he also associated with Eddy and that made Kevin question his sanity as well. No wonder the dork was troubled.

"Not you Ed, the other Edd."

"Uhh-" Ed started and then turned his attention back to his locker.

Sweat beaded on his forehead as he finished stuffing random objects and papers in his bag and threw it over his shoulder. He looked worried as his brow furrowed in concentration. Kevin noticed the way his stance changed and how his eyes knitted together. Ed understood the question perfectly, but he was hiding something. Kevin was growing more impatient by the second.

"Can you just tell me-"

"I-I am Ed, there is no other Ed here!" Ed yelled out as he cut Kevin off.

His knees were shaking slightly and his face paled a few shades. Kevin grit his teeth in annoyance and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. Something was most definitely up.

"Not you, idiot. Where is Edd, as in Double Dee, the dork who spells his name with two d's?" he bit out angrily.

Kevin knew Ed could be dense at times, but there was no way he was in fact this stupid. Ed was physically sweating now from the pressure and Kevin was just about to give up when something in Ed cracked.

"I don't think Double Dee is in a good place right now."

This sparked Kevin's interest as flashes of their night together raced through his mind. If Ed could sense something was wrong then there was a problem. Kevin decided to take a softer approach when he asked his next question. He lowered his voice as if he were talking to a child who was separated from his parents.

"What happened to him Ed?" Kevin asked calmly.

"I went to the gym to watch him run. I like watching him run, Kevin. He's really fast, but something was wrong. His face was all scrunched up like he smelled a really bad smell and he was running weird. He left his practice early and I tried to help him, but he got mad at me. He said he needed to go home and told me not tell anyone that I saw him like that. I don't think no one else noticed. I don't like when Double Dee hurts, Kevin. I don't want him to hurt himself like last time."

Kevin was blown away by Ed's confession. Ed was like a broken child who desperately clang to Eddward and Eddy for guidance. Without them, Kevin wasn't sure Ed would be able to function, not that he could function with them, but without them he'd be lost. Kevin was about to say something more when he heard a loud, abrasive voice yelling from behind him.

"Hey asshole, leave Ed alone!"

Kevin rolled his eyes as Eddy made his way over and Ed seemed to tense more.

"Calm down dork, I was just asking Ed where Dee was," Kevin answered unsure of why he needed to explain himself to Eddy of all people.

Eddy ignored him as he stared at Ed. His eyes traveled between the two for a few moments and Kevin was unsure of what was going on in the schemers head. Eddy's eyes grew hard as he dug in his pocket for a few moments before producing a pair of keys. He gingerly tossed them to Ed, who barely caught them.

"Go wait in my car," he said with an undertone of authority.

Ed seemed reluctant to go, but did as he was told. He and Kevin shared one last look. Kevin could tell by the strain in Ed's eyes that he didn't want Eddy to know about the conversation they just had. Once he was out of sight Eddy turned his full attention onto Kevin.

"The fuck did you say to him, asshole?" Eddy asked angrily.

Kevin was floored at this point. All he wanted was to talk to Dee, was that too much to ask? Kevin exhaled angrily before he answered.

"I asked him if he knew where Dee was and he freaked out."

"Why?" Eddy asked as he quirked an eyebrow.

"How should I know? He's your friend. All I wanted to know was what we were going to do for our history project."

"Yeah, I can't help you there Jockstrap," Eddy said with a devilish smile. "Dee's the brains behind the operation. I just sit back and watch him work. I think we were meeting at his house later tonight to start it."

Throughout their conversation Ed's uneasiness over Eddward's well-being was driving him insane. He hated feeling left out of the loop, granted he and Dee still weren't really friends, but they had shared a moment and that counted for something. All Kevin wanted was the truth. Eddy was the last person he wanted to ask, but he and Eddward were best friends. He expected Eddy to lie through his teeth, but he needed to ask. Kevin hated how concerned he was, this just wasn't like him.

"Is Dee okay?" Kevin asked and Eddy looked at him dumbfounded.

"Why wouldn't he be?" Eddy asked without hesitation.

"He just doesn't seem like himself." Kevin answered as he shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

He readjusted the strap on his bag before he trudged down the hall towards the front doors of the school. He could hear Eddy yelling at him as he left, but he didn't care much to listen. The only thing on his mind was Eddward. What Ed had said really unsettled him. What did Edd do to hurt himself last time? He needed to talk to him and find out what was wrong. His friends knew something, but they weren't sharing. If the dorks wouldn't tell him what was going on he would just have to find out for himself.

Eddward tilted his head back against the cool tile of his tub. He was clad only in his boxers and his beanie. His mind was lost in a bafflement of thoughts and feelings that circled around him like vultures as he hid inside his porcelain tomb. His fingers twitched as he held precariously onto the small sliver of steel that would divide his flesh in two. The slash on his thigh had ached painfully that day and during his track practice he felt the wound open. He had panicked and ran towards the boys' locker room where he was met with Ed. Ed would never suspect anything so he was safe for now, but still. If it had been anyone else... he didn't want to think of the outcome.

He heard his text tone go off for the fifth time, but he ignored it. If it was truly important the phone would ring and only then would he force himself up. But for now, the tub was his prison and he was its willing captive.

Truthfully, he longed for a new mark on his wrist. A simple line which would be easily concealable, but he had yet to find the strength to cut. Every time he brought the razor up he felt something tug his arm back down and then he would see Kevin's face. Eddward shook the thoughts away as fast as they came. Kevin would not care if he cut himself. He and Kevin were not friends; he had to remind himself of that.

His head ached and his toes felt numb from the coolness of the tile at his bare feet. Maybe it was time to admit defeat and get up. He couldn't bring himself to cut. Why did he see Kevin's face every time he brought the razor to his skin? A defeated reflection always stared back at him in the tiny silver instrument. He remembered the feel of his strong arms and the warmth of his firm chest. Eddward refused to admit it aloud, but Kevin made him feel safe and that probably scared him the most. Once you think you're safe, that's when the real danger appears.

Suddenly his phone went off; it was a generic ringtone, which meant he had no idea who was calling him. Very few people actually had his number and of those only Eddy, Marie, and Ed ever called. Eddward heaved himself up on unsteady legs as he made his way from the bathroom and into his bedroom, his fingers never once let go of the razor. He grabbed the phone and stared at the unknown number for a few seconds before he answered.

"Who is this?" he said curiously.

"It's Kevin, but you'd know that if you looked at the texts I sent you."

Kevin sounded angry and honestly Eddward didn't blame him. Technically he did stand him up. Kevin wanted to walk home together and Eddward had blown him off so easily. The satisfaction of returning home so he could amble in his self-pity had been more alluring at the time.

"I wasn't aware you had obtained my number."

Kevin paused for a moment at the abruptness.

"I have my ways of gettin' to you. Like I said earlier, you can't ignore me forever."

Eddward smiled at the playfulness in Kevin's tone. It was endearing to hear someone genuinely care about him, someone he was quite infatuated with at that.

"So, may I inquire for the reason behind this phone call?" Eddward asked matching Kevin's teasing tone.

Kevin huffed into his end of the phone. "Dude, do you seriously not read your messages. I said I was coming over and I've been outside for five minutes."

"Normal people ring the doorbell." Eddward chided.

Like magic, the buzzer sounded multiple times and Eddward laughed at Kevin's childishness.

"Answer the door, dork." Kevin commented and then he ended the phone call.

Eddward placed his phone back on the dresser and put the razor down beside it, "another time perhaps," he said to himself.

He grabbed his discarded sweatpants that were lying on his bed and quickly pulled them on. Next he grabbed his shirt which he had worn to school and pulled it over his head. As he made his way out of his bedroom he paused to grab his track band and tugged it over his scarred wrist. Last time he had left himself exposed and he was lucky Kevin hadn't noticed but he wouldn't risk it this time. Normally, he was more careful, but that entire night had thrown him off. He closed his bedroom door behind him as he made his way down the stairs and paused when his hand touched the cool doorknob. So much had happened between the two of them the last time he was here. Eddward braced himself as he unlocked the door.

Kevin stood in front of him. He was wearing what he had worn to school that day minus the backpack. He was leaning with all of his weight pressed to one side of his body as he waited for Eddward to invite him in.

"Took you long enough," Kevin said as he pushed passed Eddward into the house.

Too Eddward's astonishment he took off his shoes and deposited them near the closet door. He then sauntered into the kitchen and Eddward looked after him flabbergasted. Did Kevin really just walk in here like it was a normal thing? Eddward shook his head and smiled. Leave it to Kevin to waste no time. Eddward walked into his kitchen to find Kevin sitting with his elbows resting on the kitchen table.

"Would you like something to drink?" Eddward asked as he paused in the doorframe, unsure of where their conversation would go from here on out.

"Yeah, sure." Kevin responded quickly.

Eddward passed through the room and grabbed two cups from the cabinet. He then turned to the fridge and rummaged through until he produced a carton of juice which he poured into the cups. Once he was done he set one in front of Kevin and then sat down in the seat beside him. Kevin's eyebrows were knitted into a tight expression and his eyes were focused on the table. He seemed lost in a daydream. Eddward took that moment to study Kevin. He seemed relaxed, but uptight at the same time. He was comfortable around Eddward, but he was holding something back.

"Dee, if I ask you a question can you just answer me honestly?" Kevin asked as he continued to stare at the table.

Eddward gulped involuntarily, "I will answer your question to the best of my abilities."

Kevin rubbed his face with one hand and then finally turned so they were looking at each other.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

Eddward never thought Kevin would be so blunt. Eddward turned and stared at his glass of juice as if the answer to Kevin's question were floating inside the contents of it. He was sure Kevin was staring at him right now, but he refused to look at him. He had already let Kevin in once and that backfired. Eddward was good at keeping the few friends he had, there was a system behind it. He only ever told as much as he needed to until they were satisfied. Each friend had a different level of knowledge and that helped him maintain control. Kevin was an unknown in this equation. Should he open up again?

"Listen, Edd- I know you have shit going on right now, but I just don't get why you shut me out. I thought we were becoming friends. I mean- I'm not good at this kind of stuff man." Kevin admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Eddward continued to stare at nothing in particular. His eyes were fixated on his drink, but he was looking passed it until his vision blurred. He honestly didn't know what to say. If he actually knew the root of all his problems would he answer Kevin truthfully? Or would he continue to lie and coast through his adolescent life keeping everyone he encountered at a safe distance? Whatever the reason, Kevin deserved some kind of an answer. Kevin stood and the sound of the chair backing away from the table stirred Eddward from his thoughts.

"Look, I'll just leave-"

Eddward wasn't aware of his body's movement. One moment his hands were perched delicately in his lap and in the next instant he had reached out and grabbed Kevin's hand. Kevin stopped talking and just stared at their joined hands. He didn't try to remove his from the grasp which Eddward was thankful for. It was funny really, earlier at school Eddward had told Kevin not to touch him and now here he was clinging to the jock.

"I thought ignoring you would make everything easier," the confession escaped his lips before he even realized it.

Kevin didn't say anything, he was probably afraid Eddward would stop talking. So instead he sat back down and turned his body so he was facing Eddward. Their hands never parted. Eddward turned his attention towards their hands and focused on them as he spoke. He felt comfortable for once and although it frightened him, he continued to talk.

"I've never opened up to anyone like I did with you on the night of Nazz's party. Growing up in this house, it always seemed logical not to speak up because as you can clearly see there is never anyone here who listens. You're the only one who knows of my panic attacks. I think I associated facing you with facing them. Ignoring you seemed like the logical thing to do, I suppose now it wasn't." Eddward admitted as he tried to work through his problems, it was mostly the truth.

When he regained his courage after the awkward confession he looked up to meet Kevin's stare. What he was not expecting was a giant smile to be plastered on the face of the person he emptied his soul to. Kevin let out an embarrassed laugh and Eddward's eyebrows shot up.

"You find my admission amusing?" he asked as he tried to pull his hand back, but Kevin surprised him by squeezing harder.

"No, I just didn't think I'd actually get you to talk. Last time you shut me down and kicked me out. I guess I thought you were getting ready to kick me out again."

Now it was Eddward's turn to laugh uncomfortably. Looking back he had been irrational the last time Kevin was here. Kevin probably could have comforted him after the disconcerting phone call with his mother, but instead he destroyed his thigh. That had yielded some self-fulfilling benefits, but at the same time it made running a painful endeavor. Kevin squeezed his hand again to gain his attention back. Eddward looked back up to him. His eyes held genuine concern for him. Eddward's heart fluttered and he was sure his cheeks were reddening at the touch and close proximity.

It seemed fate deemed this moment too good to be true. Kevin's phone rang. Kevin rolled his eyes as he reached into his pocket with his free hand. Eddward smiled at Kevin's gesture. It seems the jock reciprocated some feelings towards him. Maybe their nerves knew each one needed the touch. When Kevin finally got his phone out of his pocket he looked at the caller I.D. before answering it.

"Hey Nazz, what's up?

"Kevin- uhm are you with Dee?" She asked nervously.

Kevin's eyes shot up to look at Edd.

"Yeah why?"

Nazz sighed in relief and Kevin could hear a familiar annoying voice in the background.

"Nazz what's going on?" Kevin asked and Eddward squeezed his hand a little harder.

"Eddy and I are watching the local news. He's been trying to call Dee. He told me he thought you'd be there with him," she paused before continuing, "Jensen's out."

Eddward stood abruptly and walked towards the living room catching Kevin off guard.

"Shit," he swore into the phone, "Nazz, I'll call you back."

Before he hung up he heard Eddy's voice, "don't leave him alone."

Kevin bolted into the living room where Eddward was standing a few feet away from the television. He held the remote in his hand. The light from the glowing square was all that illuminated the room. Eddward's shoulders were squared as Kevin stepped beside him. Kevin reached out to grab his other hand, he squeezed, but Eddward did nothing in return. His eyes were fixed on the images that flashed before him with the story of Jensen's incarceration.

**Local teens on parole after 26 months.**

Kevin turned to look at Eddward, his jaw was tightened and the reflection of the television on his face sent a chill up his spine. Eddward did not look afraid or like he was scared in the least bit. No, Kevin had never seen such a look on the teen before. Was that vengeance in his eyes? In that moment Kevin was sure of one thing, he was not going home tonight.


	9. Is He Worth It?

How does one define strength? Well to define the word, first we must figure out the context. For some strength is derived from muscle power and the will to become stronger. On the other hand strength could be used to describe someone's willpower and the courage to move on through hardships. With all strength there comes weakness because where there is light there is also darkness. Everything has a balance. The scary thing about balance is that it stands on a fine line that can easily tip in favor of one direction. Eddward's balance was teetering on the edge of chaotic insanity.

Eddward's strength came from his control over his body. He found his strength in the sleek aftermath of a carefully etched mark on his skin. He placed himself in power of what happened to him. When you control the pain, you control yourself, but when multiple unknown factors come into the carefully designed equation the outcome is up for debate.

Kevin was an unknown, a variable that could make or break him depending on the circumstances. Jensen's release was a long overdue obstacle that changed everything. It was one thing to know he was locked up. While he was behind bars life went on and Eddward dealt with his problems with precision derived from a blade. Jensen had started this endless nightmare, maybe he was the solution.

Eddward felt Kevin squeezing his hand, but his focus was lost in the glare of the television screen. If he had died that night maybe Jensen would have served life in prison. That sounded like closure, right? But Eddward was alive, not entirely well, but alive. Jensen was walking the streets and his head was spiraling into a million different scenarios. What if they crossed paths again, not if, but rather "when," was the better term. His chest tightened as his lungs struggled to contain air. Now was not the time for a panic attack. His panic attacks only happened after a nightmare, but this was close enough.

His breathing came out like a strangled cough. Kevin was in front of him in an instant. His hands clamped firmly on Eddward's shoulders. Kevin was staring into his eyes, but Eddward was seeing right through him. Everything in that instance turned into one fuzzy blur. This reality didn't seem real, nothing seemed right. He felt his body being moved backwards until his legs touched fabric. He was sitting and Kevin was now crouched in front of him trying to break him out of the spell he fell under. His mouth was moving, he was sure words were being said, but anything audible was drowned out by the rushing blood he heard inside his head. Kevin's hand brushed his wrist and he snapped.

Eddward pulled his wrist out of Kevin's reach and into his chest and cradled it with his other hand. A wave of hurt washed over Kevin's face. There was pain set deep within his eyes. Eddward recognized that pain; he harbored the same within himself.

Rejection.

Eddward didn't want to let Kevin in anymore. Letting someone in opened a doorway for more pain, pain he wasn't sure he could control.

"Eddward?"

That was the second time Kevin had ever used his actual name and he liked how it sounded. Kevin broke him out of his panic attack the last time with the same word. Why did Kevin have this power over him? Slowly he felt himself coming back to reality. His vision was starting to focus. The sound of blood rushing through his veins died down. His breathing leveled. Okay, he was okay… not really, but lying to himself was his only option if he wanted to convince Kevin of the same.

"My apologies, Kevin."

Eddward relaxed and let his hands fall into his lap. Kevin was staring at him. He looked disgusted, no appalled, a little disheartened even. Eddward followed the red head's gaze. No, Kevin, wasn't looking at him anymore. He was staring at his wrist. His eyes were fixated.

A new level of panic washed over him.

His wristband, where was it? It was on him a few minutes ago, he was sure of it. His eyes jumped around them until he finally noticed it in Kevin's grasp. Kevin must have grabbed onto it and when he pulled away the wristband came off. He'd been so caught up in concealing away the pain that he didn't even know it was exposed. He'd been lucky last time. Kevin was drunk and most of their encounter was in the dark. His panic attack had distracted him, but that wasn't the case this time.

There were no words to say. What could be said anyway? Was there an explanation he could offer? Eddward swallowed nervously. No one else was ever supposed to find out. Suddenly he wanted to regret everything, every single mark, but he was still proud of them. So why did Kevin knowing change things? Why did Kevin of all people make him want to regret his ways? He was happy. Well, he thought he was happy. Cutting gave him the control he so desperately craved. Up until earlier in the night he'd been trying to place a new work of art on his body, but now. Now he wished he could erase them all away for Kevin's sake.

Kevin reached out and traced a finger over one of the scars. Eddward didn't flinch. He was terrified and wanted nothing more than to curl up until this nightmare was over, but he couldn't find the energy to move. The jock stared at his wrist and he stared at the top of the jock's head. An eerie silence passed between them. Eddward cleared his throat to speak, but the words never surfaced. There was nothing to say really. Kevin wasn't the typical dumb jock, any excuse he offered wouldn't be believed.

A jolt of fear flooded through Eddward, what if Kevin wished to end their friendship. A week ago he had said they weren't friends. Maybe now the jock would act upon that statement. What if Kevin turned from him now? Kevin had seen him fall multiple times, maybe this was too much for the teen to handle. After all, Kevin would not be able to fix him, and even if he could it wouldn't be something Eddward would ever ask of him. That much pressure shouldn't be thrust upon someone.

"Get up," Kevin's words were hard and cold as they sliced through the air.

Kevin stood first and Eddward soon followed. They were standing within an inch of each other. Eddward could feel Kevin's hard breath as it passed by his face. Kevin's stance was firm and his shoulders were squared. His jaw was clenched and he almost appeared to be in pain. Eddward's fingers felt numb, his body felt foreign. Eddward was waiting for something, yelling, a slap across the face, or perhaps a punch, but no such vulgarity happened. Instead Kevin's arms shot out and he hugged Eddward tightly into his own body.

Eddward's mouth gaped open at the sudden gesture. Kevin was clinging to him desperately. Eddward slowly brought his arms up and tightened them around the warm body which pressed into him. Kevin's face brushed by Eddward's cheek and he felt a wetness strike his skin, but he was not crying, was he? No, but Kevin was. Eddward's heart began to shatter slowly and chip away piece by agonizing piece. He never meant for anyone to hurt over him. Eddward dropped his head so it could rest in the nape of Kevin's neck. He wanted to say something, but for the first time in a long time his clever words eluded him.

A soft whisper finally broke the stifling silence,

"Please, don't do it anymore. I couldn't take it if I lost you." The voice did not sound like Kevin's but it was.

At that moment Eddward finally saw his destructive lifestyle for what it was. If his control caused someone he cared about pain, was it really control? Or was his new passion a dangerous way of fiddling with life. But he couldn't just stop cutting. Cutting was a part of who he was now. There was no other way of explaining it. He needed to do it. Kevin's confession complicated things. Eddward would need to be more careful from here on out. Stopping was not an option, but cutting less was a definite possibility. He would just need more control, he was capable of that, right? It would be his ultimate test.

"I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find out. Not like this at least."

Kevin pulled away, his face a red that almost rivaled his hair. He turned to grab the remote which laid discarded on the coffee table behind them. He shut the television off and cast the room into a darkness Eddward deemed comforting given the current mood. The only light left on was in the kitchen which barely made a subtle glow in the hallway. Kevin turned back to Eddward and grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. They ascended to the top in silence. Once they reached Eddward's door, Kevin opened it and lead them inside. Kevin walked to the bed and sat down while Eddward walked briskly to his phone. He quickly grabbed the razor which still laid beside it and tucked it subtly into his partially open nightstand drawer. He didn't need Kevin to know there should have been a fresh cut on his wrist that evening.

His phone displayed multiple missed calls and messages, five from Eddy, and eight from Marie.

Just as he was reviewing his calls his phone began to ring and Marie's name flashed on the I.D. Eddward sighed before answering.

"Greetings, Marie," he said in a halfhearted voice.

"Finally, Edd! Where have you been? I've been worried! I was about to drive over," she exhaled angrily.

"I apologize for the inconvenience, but I was not near my phone. I'm assuming you called regarding the news?" Eddward deadpanned, the last thing he needed was for Marie to start freaking out. He still had to deal with Kevin.

"Obviously! After what that asshole did to you I was worried. You didn't do anything stupid, right?" She asked trying not to panic as she waited for an answer.

Eddward exhaled, "No."

"Edd you can tell me-"

Eddward cut her off mid-sentence," Marie, I've been with Kevin. He and I were working on a school project when we saw the news. I've yet to be alone." Eddward said trying to reassure her without having to say the words. He hoped it was a good enough answer.

He glanced to his side to peer at Kevin. The jock was staring at the floor. His shoulders sagged in defeat. Eddward turned his gaze away.

"Okay, but you'll call me right? I mean it Edd. I don't care what time or how many times. Please call me?" She begged.

"I will. Goodnight Marie."

He ended the call and placed his phone back down. He sighed as he turned back to Kevin who was now staring at him. His eyes were swollen from crying, but he wasn't trying to hide that. His body was tense as if one wrong move would cause him to snap.

"Does she know?" He asked bluntly.

"Yes. Only she and Eddy know."

Kevin nodded his head slowly as he processed the information. Eddward glanced at his alarm clock. It was only a little after seven, the odds of Kevin leaving tonight were slim, but still he had to try.

"Kevin, it is rather late. Perhaps you should-"

"Don't you dare fucking try to kick me out Edd. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. You can feed me some bullshit about how we're not friends all you want, but I'm staying here." Kevin bit out angrily.

Well it was worth a shot.

Eddward nodded once, "very well then. Is it safe to presume you'll be sleeping in here as well?"

"Yup," came Kevin's response.

Eddward crossed his room to his dresser and retrieved some sweatpants and a shirt. He handed them to Kevin who snatched them hastily before he made his way into the bathroom. Eddward sighed again. This night was going to test just how much he could take. The news, while unsettling, was no longer his main concern. He knew Jensen was being released sometime this week. He'd been mentally preparing himself. Now he had Kevin to worry about. Which one was worse? That was up for debate.

Eddward stood and turned towards his dresser once more. He quickly changed into a pair of loose fitting pajama pants. The last thing he needed was for Kevin to see the agonizing gash on his thigh. He stood at his dresser and gripped the top tightly. Everything would be okay and even if it wasn't he just had to remember,

"It's okay not to be okay," he whispered to himself, he needed the reassurance.

The razor was in the drawer of his night stand. It was only a feet away from him. He could picture it perfectly in his mind. A hand touched his shoulder and his eyes snapped open. He turned his head away from Kevin's prying eyes as he walked towards the bed. He heard the light switch flick off from behind him and the room fell into darkness. Eddward sat on the edge of his bed facing the door. He felt the bed sink beside him as Kevin's weight settled.

Should he say something? No, probably not. Anything he wanted to say wouldn't come out right. Besides, he didn't want to have to explain something that he didn't quite understand himself. How do you tell the person you love- the person you care about, that causing bodily damage to yourself keeps you sane? How insane does that sound? It made perfect sense to Eddward. There was no way he would understand.

Eddward gradually laid back on the bed, but his head never touched the pillow. Kevin had extended his arm out. Eddward froze when his neck landed on the warm muscles beneath him. Kevin made a slight pulling notion on his arm and Eddward went to sit up, but Kevin's fingers tightened on his bicep.

"Come here," Kevin's voice came as a hushed whisper.

Eddward rolled over to face him and Kevin tightened his arm. The moonlight snuck in through the tiny crevices in the shades and illuminated Kevin's face. His eyes bore deep into Eddward's and he couldn't look away. Eddward was well aware of how unsettling his deadly lifestyle was for the people who knew about it. Eddy had been furious while Marie had understood. Eddy didn't know he still cut and Marie was ignorantly oblivious at times.

"Edd?" Kevin's voice came again.

Eddward finally averted his gaze and chose to stare at the rise and fall of Kevin's chest.

"Yes, Kevin?" his voice held an edge of defeat, Kevin wanted answers and promises, just like Eddy and Marie, he just knew it.

"Why?"

Well there was the question to end all questions. How was he going to answer this? Was there a simple answer, if so he had yet to figure it out himself.

"It's how I cope," he simply said.

It wasn't entirely a lie. Cutting was an excellent coping mechanism. While not ideal for most, it worked in his favor.

"I don't get it," Kevin admitted with confusion coating his words.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand."

"Tell me," he began and shifted his weight so he was lying on his side, "please?"

They were now lying face to face. Kevin brought his free hand up to lift Eddward's chin so their eyes could meet once again. Eddward resisted at first, but Kevin was determined. He grasped his chin firmly and lifted his face. Eddward's eyes were clamped shut. Kevin released his chin and cupped the side of his face. His thumb reached out and brushed below Eddward's eye. Eddward hadn't been aware he was crying. This was too much. It was all too much. His control had vanished and he was exposed for everything he was, a coward named, Double Dee.

"Edd, don't shut me out. Not now."

Shut him out? Eddward almost laughed. Of course he had to shut people out. Depending on others wasn't an option. Hell, his own parents had been the first to shut him out. Gone off to save the world while their son lay broken and in pieces at home. Hadn't he always been shut out? By associating with Eddy and Ed he was always an outcast in the cul-de-sac. But back then that was where he fit in best. But was the fit a good one? Yes he was an "Ed," but he was the black sheep among them. Eddy and Ed had always teased him about his inept vocabulary. Whenever an invention went wrong which produced a failed scheme, Eddy always blamed him. Maybe that was where his control issues stemmed from. His life was spiraling out of control long before Jensen abducted him.

"You don't get it do you?" Eddward's voice came as a broken whisper, "I've shut everyone out? I've been alone my entire life. Everyone shut me out. My life was almost taken from me and I went through it alone. I wanted you to leave tonight so I could cut again. I won't be at peace until I do, but you can't see that. Can you?"

There wasn't a nice way to say how he felt. Kevin deserved the truth. Eddward pushed up on his hands in a desperate attempt to flee. He wanted to leave the bed. He would just sleep in the guest room, but Kevin had other plans. Kevin grabbed at his hands and pulled him. Eddward landed ungraciously on top of Kevin's body. Kevin shifted his weight so he could better hold Eddward in place.

"You're right, Edd. You were alone and I can't change what happened back then. And if what you say is true then you blame me, right? I did bully you. Do I make you want to cut?" Kevin asked with a hint of anger.

Eddward was straddling Kevin's body and his hands had balled up tight fistfuls of Kevin's shirt. He was still trying to push away, but he knew that if he clung to Kevin he wouldn't get anywhere. He needed to fight off these feelings. This wasn't going as he thought it would. His eyes were scrunched tight as he tried to fight off the tears that were slowly threatening to fall.

"Answer me, Edd. I need to know. Am I one of the reasons?"

No! He wanted to scream it. No, you were never a reason. You could never be a reason! You may be the solution. The words were trapped behind his tonsils. They were stuck in the back of his throat and he couldn't get them out. They were trapped in his vocal cords.

"Eddward!" Kevin's voice sounded pained and desperate for an answer.

And there it was again, his name. That one simple word that unraveled him when it fell from the lips of the body below him. He stopped resisting. There was no fight left, not one worth winning anyway. No one had fought for him like this ever before. No one had been so openly blunt and honest. Is this what affection felt like? Was this 'tough love'? Eddward slowly relaxed. His hands gradually released the rumpled fabric of Kevin' shirt. He slowly eased his body down until his head was flush on Kevin's chest. Strong arms released his and came up to encircle him in a tight embrace.

He counted the number of beats Kevin's heart gave off and listened to every inhale and exhale. In that moment he didn't want to be alone and it scared him. It scared him more than anything. He'd never relied on a person like this before. Was this okay? Would it be too much to ask of Kevin? And if it wasn't too much when would it become too much? When would Kevin realize what a burden being involved with him would be? Did he not see it yet? Was he truly this naïve?

The fabric of Kevin's shirt was wet beneath his face. He was crying and he couldn't stop. Kevin was no longer squeezing him; instead he was rubbing his hands up and down his back. Eddward should have felt embarrassed, but surprisingly he wasn't.

"No."

Kevin's hands stopped moving, "what?" he asked.

"My answer is, no. You were never a reason."

Eddward turned his head to the side and crawled off of Kevin. Truthfully, Eddward wanted nothing more than to stay how they were for the remainder of the night, but something inside him made him move. He curled his body beside Kevin's and rested his head on Kevin's arm.

"Edd, I meant what I said downstairs, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

For some reason those words bothered Eddward. Yes, maybe now they were on the borderline of friendship. Marie had said a statement similar not too long ago and he was okay with that. But hearing Kevin say it was different.

"What makes you think you have me?" his words came out colder than he meant.

Kevin's hand reached out and his fingers entwined with Eddward's, "this."

That single word along with gesture held so much confidence.

Eddward looked up. Kevin's face was exceedingly close. They'd been close before, but never like this. Eddward felt his heart pump faster inside his chest. Kevin's eyes were glossed over, whether it was from tears or lust, Eddward wasn't sure, but he was positive he held the same look of passion in his eyes.

Kevin squeezed their laced fingers, "and this," he said ad his lips descended slowly.

Eddward's eyes shut on their own account. He felt soft lips touch his own and for a moment every trouble he had seemed nonexistent. This felt better than a razor. This was pure and utter bliss. Eddward had pictured kissing Kevin before, but his lips weren't like this in his fantasies. Guys lips weren't supposed to be this soft and inviting were they? Eddward felt Kevin untangle their fingers and his hand shot up to Eddward's hat. He felt his hat slide off as gentle fingers pushed through his hair. Kevin's tongue poked out and licked Eddward's bottom lip. Eddward's body ignited as he granted Kevin passage into his mouth. His lips slowly parted as a warm tongue touched his own.

Eddward didn't care about dominance; Kevin could be in charge of this kiss. He just didn't want the kiss to end. Their tongues swished against each other for a few more moments before Kevin slowly started to pull away. Eddward let out a low grunt which earned him a soft chuckle from the body beside him. When he finally opened his eyes Kevin was staring back at him with a satisfying grin planted on his face.

"Okay, so you have me," Eddward said as he turned in the opposite direction.

He felt Kevin push toward him until his body was flush against his back. Kevin's arm shot out to wrap around Eddward in a tight hold. His head nuzzled into the nape of Eddward's neck.

"Edd?"

"Mmm." Eddward didn't want to talk anymore; sleep was pulling at his consciousness.

"Promise me that you won't do it anymore?"

Eddward's eyes shot open. And there it was. The deadly question which only had one right answer, one he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep. Unless you cut you don't understand. It isn't something you can just stop, not when you're in that deep.

Eddward didn't know why he said it, but the words came,

"I promise."

Kevin must have been satisfied with the reply because his body relaxed against Eddward's. A few moments later his breathing evened out and Eddward was sure he was asleep.

A knot was tying itself in the pit of Eddward's stomach. He never made promises he couldn't keep. When Eddy had asked him he had said, "Eddy, I promise I won't lose control like that ever again," and it had been the truth. He hadn't lost control since. Just because Eddy didn't know what the terms of control meant didn't mean he broke his promise. But this promise, this was different. Kevin was straightforward. This promise stirred a fear deep within his soul. This might end up being the first promise he ever broke.

If Eddward cut he would break Kevin's trust. Was his control worth it?


	10. A New Beginning

Eddward awoke the following morning to soft snores emanating from the body beside him. He smiled to himself as Kevin's arm, which was draped over his body, involuntarily pulled him in closer. If this was what contentment and happiness felt like then why did he feel a tiny knot forming in the pit of his stomach? Just like visions of a persistent nightmare, his promise to Kevin replayed in his head. How long would he be able to keep it for? Would this relationship... if it was a relationship, really work between them? The last thing Eddward ever wanted to do was hurt Kevin.

Kevin was Mr. Popularity. He was the alpha male at the school whom every guy wanted to be. He had a line of girls swooning for his attention down every hallway of Peach Creek High and yet... he chose Edd. Eddward was once a nerdy, social outcast and now... now he was a social outcast with a destructive habit which he labeled control. Was it okay for Kevin to venture into his life? Would they flourish? Or would Eddward find a way to push him away, he knew he was good at that.

A soft kiss was placed at the base of Eddward's neck and he felt a jolt of pleasure radiate down his spine. "Morning," Kevin said and then yawned. Kevin's grip tightened around Edd's waist and he entwined their fingers.

Eddward melted into the gesture. "Good morning Kevin. Did you sleep well?" Eddward asked.

"Best sleep I've had in awhile," Kevin answered, "you been up long?"

"Not really, I awoke shortly before you." Eddward replied.

Kevin was silent for a few moments. Eddward sensed the tension in the air.

"Are you okay? I mean, after everything that happened last night," Kevin asked solemnly.

Eddward exhaled through his nose. He released Kevin's hand and shifted so he was lying on his back. Kevin kept his arm draped across Edd's chest.

"I'll require you to be more specific in your question. Okay after what exactly?"

Kevin was staring at the side of Eddward's face intently. "Everything I guess. Jensen being out. Me... uhm... finding out about-" Kevin's eyes glanced down to Eddward's arm, "you know. And also us?"

Eddward lifted his arm and brought his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I know you want me to say 'I'm fine', but I won't lie to you. I'm not okay. While Jensen's release is unsettling, I was well aware his discharge was inevitable. And I'd rather not discuss my wrist further." Eddward finished and rubbed at his eyes vehemently.

Kevin grabbed his hand roughly to stop him, " and what about us?"

"What do you want me to say about us, Kevin?" Eddward began tiresomely as he sat up and turned to place his feet on the floor, "I don't do relationships."

This, however, was not the answer Kevin wanted to hear.

Kevin grit his teeth, "what's that supposed to mean exactly?" came his cold words.

Eddward felt the fumes emitting from Kevin's body. He stood and walked to the other end of the room. How was he supposed to explain himself? Eddward had a million thoughts and emotions rushing through his body. Did he want to be with Kevin? Absolutely, yes. Would it ever be easy between them? No, not in the slightest bit. Kevin already gave off the feeling that he wanted- no, he needed to know everything. Eddward wasn't prepared for that. He lived in solitude, it wasn't going to be easy to just let someone barge in.

His body was screaming that this was okay, that he deserved happiness derived from another person. His mind didn't comprehend this new notion though. Kevin would never be able to handle the burden of being with someone like Eddward. Eddward needed privacy and solitude. Would Kevin trust him with that kind of isolation? Hell, Eddward usually didn't trust himself that much. And what would happen when he broke the promise he made. It wasn't a matter of 'if', Eddward knew he would break it, that realization tormented him on a deeper level. Kevin didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve Kevin. At that very moment the desire to cut couldn't have been greater.

Eddward's shoulders sagged in defeat as he spoke, "what if this doesn't work? Have you thought of that?"

Eddward looked up to Kevin's now softened expression. All they had been doing was talking about him and how he felt. Well, Eddward needed to know how Kevin felt.

"Of course I have, but if you start doubting us from the start then yeah, it won't work out." Kevin answered as he stood and crossed the room to stand before Edd. "Tell me why this can't work?"

Eddward wanted to roll his eyes, but he withheld from doing so. I promised you I wouldn't cut and yet I'm debating on slicing my wrist the second I'm out of your eye sight, he wanted to say. "I already told you Kevin, I don't do relationships. It will only proceed in complexion from here. Have you even thought about how you would come out to your peers as a homosexual?"

Kevin's eyes opened wide and Eddward smirked triumphantly, it seemed Kevin hadn't thought that far ahead.

"Okay, so I didn't think of that yet," Kevin admitted sheepishly, his face reddening.

Eddward crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you gay?"

"Huh?" Kevin asked dumbfounded, clearly thrown off by the blunt question.

"Are you gay, Kevin?"

"Honestly, no. I don't think I am-" Kevin started and Eddward turned to walk away. Kevin grabbed his shoulder and spun him around."Hey wait, listen. Don't give me that look Edd. You want the truth, right? Well, the truth is no. I'm not gay. I've never looked at some guy and had feelings before. I've always been attracted to girls, but it's different with you. I- I don't know how to explain it. You make me happy and I dunno. Being with you just feels right. If that makes me gay then fine, I'll be gay for you."

"I'll be gay for you," Eddward began as he quoted Kevin's words. "Can you hear yourself? It's not a choice for me, Kevin. This is who I am. What happens when you're ridiculed at school? Will you choose to date the opposite sex again? Will this cease to exist?" he asked as he gestured between the both of them.

"I don't care what anyone else thinks. Where is this coming from Edd?" Kevin asked as he put his hand out to try to grab Edd's, but he flinched away.

"When I was jumped two years ago, it wasn't just a childhood beating I could walk away from; it was hatred and pure animosity that left me almost crippled. He didn't intend for me to live. I was targeted for being gay." Eddward choked on the final few words and Kevin moved in closer.

The venom Jensen had placed behind the word; "fag" rang through his ears and made his stomach churn. That was one part that he tried to forget. Jensen always called him a fag or a queer. At first Eddward thought maybe it was just a name he tossed around as an insult. But as time went on Jensen's threats became increasingly worse and derogatory. If Eddward even looked at him the wrong way Jensen would become extremely aggravated. And that always confused Eddward, yes he was gay, but he never looked at Jensen the way he looked at Kevin.

"I didn't know that. Edd you never told me. I-I'm sorry." Kevin said as he enveloped Eddward in a hug.

Eddward sighed, "I don't require sympathy, Kevin. I was merely stating facts."

"Edd, I want to be with you. I've liked you for awhile; I just never knew what to do about it." Kevin said as he released him.

Kevin's face was inches from Eddward's. The look Kevin was giving him was the one he'd only ever seen in romantic movies. Never in his life did he think he'd be on the receiving end of such an endearing expression. Eddward's face felt hot. He was sure his face was brighter than Kevin's hair color at this point. No one had ever made him feel these types of sensations before. It was scary and overwhelming, yet invigorating and exciting all at the same time. But still, that nagging voice in the back of his head was screaming at him. Eddward had plenty of excuses and reason of why they could never work.

"I'm the protégé of parents who failed in maintaining a relationship with me," Eddward admitted.

"So what?" Kevin asked as he shrugged his shoulders, "and I'm just the dumb jock who lives with his dad and stepmom who think I'll never make it out of this town."

Kevin wasn't going to give up. If he and Eddward had one thing in common they were both exceedingly stubborn and they both wanted each other.

"I just- I don't like labels," Eddward admitted as he thought back to the word which caused him so much grievance and pain. He never wanted Kevin to be on the receiving end of such criticism and hate, especially not for him.

Kevin scoffed, "Double Dee loved labels."

A very poor choice of words on Kevin's part. That name brought up feelings of weakness that Eddward had tried to bury. He hated that name and only tolerated it for Ed's sake. Double Dee was a lot of things, but strong? No, he was as vulnerable and pathetic as they came. Is that what Kevin saw Eddward as? A weakling who needed and craved a loving bond. Eddward did not need Kevin to save him.

Eddward felt an impulsive and abrupt rage contorting within his body. Double Dee was ridiculed and manipulated throughout his childhood. Bullied and beaten for just being who he was, and he was defenseless to stop it. Was Kevin truly this ignorant that he couldn't understand?

"Double Dee is dead! He died a long time ago," his voice cracked on the last words.

Kevin had him pinned up against the wall before he could try to retreat. His hands grabbed Eddward's and held them tightly at shoulder level. His leg wedged between Eddward's thighs in a firm stance.

"Hey, I'm sorry okay. I didn't mean it like that." Kevin started to say. He bowed his head and took a deep breath to calm his nervousness before looking back up. "Edd, I like you okay, a lot. Last night made me realize that I don't want to be without you. I don't know how to do this kind of sappy stuff, especially with a guy. But I'd do it for you. This is all new for me too."

Eddward's rage left just as fast as it came on. He couldn't be mad at Kevin; after all he didn't know the extent of damage that was inflicted upon him. Eddward never let anyone see how badly hurt he truly was. He couldn't hold ill will toward Kevin for not understanding. Eddward was broken and falling apart, but Kevin didn't seem to care. All he saw was Eddward for who he was now and he was still willing to date him.

"Come on Edd, I'm baring my heart out here, please say something."

"I don't know. I-"

Kevin leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on Eddward's scarred wrist. Eddward felt the breath escape him at a startling pace. Kevin looked up at Eddward and brought his mouth closer. He pressed his lips firmly to Eddward's, affirmatively stopping any more coherent words from being processed. Eddward melted into Kevin's touch. Kevin dropped his hands and let them fall down the length of Eddward's body until they rested firmly on his hips. He used his thumbs to knead circles into Eddward's clothed flesh. Eddward's hands shot up and he raked his nails through Kevin's hair as he deepened the kiss. His lips parted as Kevin's tongue found entrance into his anxious mouth. Maybe Eddward could do this, just maybe.

Their tongues battled for dominance briefly before Kevin gave up and let Eddward take control. Kevin's hands began to wander until they found their way under the hemline of Eddward's shirt and moved upward. His fingers massaged and grabbed at the warm skin leaving Eddward in a frenzied state. His fingers brushed over the scar from where Jensen's knife had been, but Eddward didn't care. His mind which was once plagued with overwhelming thoughts and excuses was now left blank. Eddward wanted this; he wanted this more than he'd ever wanted anything in his entire life.

When their lips finally parted Kevin rested his forehead against Edd's. Eddward's eyes which had shut during the breathless kiss now fluttered open. Kevin smirked at him.

"Just think about it okay. We don't need to label it if you really don't wanna. We'll talk later, okay? " Kevin said reassuringly, "maybe we can actually start our history project." He added as an afterthought.

Eddward nodded, "yes, we should do that."

* * *

Eddward's feet pounded against the pavement as he ran. His heart thumped to a steady rhythm in his chest. In his ears his headphones rested as they delivered a symphony conducted by Mozart. Eddward originally started running to get faster. If he was faster than the problem, or person chasing him, then he could get away. All he had to do was run. Faster and faster. Sometimes he zoned out and didn't realize how far he'd gone until he collapsed back at his house. Running gave him freedom from his problems for a short exertion of time.

This was the only time when he didn't feel the urge to cut.

When he was running, he didn't visualize a razor. Maybe that's why he decided to go for a run when Kevin left that morning. Their kiss, while much needed, was also scary. It confirmed that Eddward wanted this relationship to work, but at what cost? Could Eddward really put down the razor so easily? The uncertainty of what could happen had him on edge. What if their relationship failed faster than it started? Or what if Kevin soon came to realize that Eddward was not worth saving?

Truthfully he knew he needed saving, whether it was from some divine power, or the interception of a third party, he knew he needed it. He would admit that discreetly to himself in the sacred depths of his dangerous mind where no one else could ever find out, but never out loud, that would make it real. That would mean admitting he had a problem. Eddward did not have a problem.

He almost lost his balance as he turned the corner, but he quickly regained his posture and his pace. Running was not the time for thinking; running was the chance for a small escape. He mentally shook his head. When he finally made his way back to the cul-de-sac he noticed someone sitting on his front porch. As he got closer he saw the devious smirk of none other than Eddy waiting for him. As he neared his destination he lessened his pace until he hit a brisk walk before he reached his porch. Eddy's lips were moving and his eyebrows waggled, but all conversation was lost on Eddward's ears. He put his hands up to his head and took his headphones out.

"Greetings Eddy, to what do I owe your presence?" he asked as he caught his breath.

"Let's skip the small talk, Dee. Tell me about your night?" Eddy asked sleazily.

Eddward's face scrunched up. "What are you referring to Eddy?"

"Nazz and I were sitting on her porch this morning. We saw Shovelchin leave your house with a dopey grin on his face."

Eddward's cheeks were still flushed from his run so he thought he could play it off. "He only stayed over because it was late."

"Uh huh, right. He told Nazz everything." Eddy said and Eddward wasn't sure how much bigger Eddy's smile could get.

Of course he told Nazz everything. Eddward exhaled as he walked up the steps and he held the door open for Eddy who followed closely behind him. He disposed of his shoes by the closet door and made his way to the kitchen. Eddy made himself at home like he always did and Eddward grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. After quenching his thirst he joined Eddy at the kitchen table.

"So what should I do?" Eddward asked.

This seemed to throw Eddy off, "what?" he asked.

"Should I take Kevin up on his offer and date him?"

"Hold on, you guys are already at that stage? How much have I missed? Last I knew you would barely talk to him." Eddy confessed.

Eddward raised an elegant eyebrow as he stared down at his conniving friend. "I thought Kevin told Nazz everything? Weren't those your exact words?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sure he has by now, but I don't know. She left to talk to him after he left your house."

Eddward mentally slapped himself for falling for one of Eddy's tricks. "So you lied to me to retrieve information."

Eddy put his elbows on the table and leant forward, "only so you'd talk. Come on Sockhead. I never thought you of all people would date. Why you're interested in Kevin of all people I'll never understand."

Eddward sighed as he relaxed back into the sturdy chair. "That eludes me as well, Eddy. This entire situation is vast in complication."

"Do you like him?"

Eddward turned to look at Eddy and narrowed his eyes. "Yes, I thought that detail was obvious."

"Then the answer is obvious, you know for a genius you sure are dense sometimes. Just go out with him Dee, you need something good in your life after everything you've been through."

It was times like these that Eddward was truly thankful for a friend like Eddy. Yes, Eddy was a selfish, greedy prick ninety percent of the time, but when it came to the people he cared about, he was there giving his honest opinion and being supportive.

"It's not that easy," Eddward admitted.

"Now you're starting to sound like me." Eddy quipped.

"Kevin is the quarterback of the football team. How do you think his peers will react to us holding hands walking down the hall? The mere thought of him being gay will cause an uproar at our school. Am I the only one who sees the inevitable outcome?" Eddward asked as his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Look, Dee, I get it okay. I feel the same about Nazz. I don't want anyone treating her differently because she's with me. But Kevin can handle himself."

"I hope you're right, Eddy." Eddward swallowed hard.

Eddy reached out and grabbed Eddward's hand and gave him a quick reassuring squeeze, "you can do it Dee. You're the strongest guy I know."

* * *

Eddward found himself back where all his misery was relieved, but this time he was there for an entirely different purpose. He was lying in his bathtub in his pajamas without a razor. This was the ultimate test of control. If he could sit there contently without the urge to cut then he could win this battle against himself. He stared down at his wrist and smiled to himself. For the first time in a long time he didn't want to cut. For the first time since he got the sick satisfaction of mutilating his body he felt truly in control. His phone went off from its spot beside the tub on the tile floor and he reached over to answer it.

"Hello Kevin," he answered into the speaker.

"Hey Dee, you busy?"

"Not particularly." Eddward deadpanned.

"Can I come over?" Kevin asked with a hint of nervousness in his tone.

"Will you be spending the night again?" Eddward asked.

"Uhm, that all depends on you," Kevin answered sounding unsure.

Eddward smiled, "come over," he said and then ended the call.

He heaved himself up out of the tub and started to make his way downstairs. When he reached the front door an eager ginger was already waiting impatiently on the other side. Eddward let him in and they headed up to Eddward's room. Eddward sat down on his bed, but Kevin seemed to linger in the door frame, unsure of what to do. Eddward patted the space beside him to beckon him over. Kevin was anxious. His body language was off. Eddward didn't realize how much this must have been eating away at him all day. A wave of guilt ran through his blood.

"So, uh... have you thought about this? Well, I mean us?" Kevin was so nervous he had a thin line of sweat beginning to perspire at the base of his neck.

"I have," Eddward confessed, he'd thought of nothing else the entire day.

Eddward was staring down at his hands and out of the corner of his eye he could see Kevin's eyes fixated into the side of his skull. He knew what he wanted to say, take me I'm yours, but he couldn't say that. What was it about Kevin that caused him to be this nervous and yet comfortable all at the same time.

"If it's alright with you I would rather not have us subjected to a direct label while at school, but otherwise I see no other reason as to why we can't continue on as we are," Eddward said sheepishly and turned to look at Kevin who tilted his head much like a confused dog.

"Is-is that a yes?" he asked hopefully.

"Why don't you ask me again?"

Kevin's eyes grew larger with hope, "Edd, will you go out with me?"

"Yes."

Kevin tackled him to the bed. Kevin's weight pressed firmly on top of Eddward as he brought their lips centimeters apart, but didn't let them touch.

"You know, you had me worried there for a second," Kevin said as his lips landed softly on Eddward's.

"I'm sor-" Eddward tried to apologize, but his words were swallowed my Kevin's mouth.

Kevin pulled away long enough to say, "No more apologizing dork."

Eddward felt like he was in pure eternal bliss. For once nothing else seemed to matter and he prayed to that divine power which may or may not exist to let them stay like that for as long as possible. For once, a razor was the furthest thing from his thoughts even though one was waiting for him in his nightstand dresser.


	11. The Open Door

For the first time in what felt like a lifetime Eddward felt what may be akin to pure happiness. He'd only experienced this kind of elatedness on a few secluded occasions. On his sixth birthday when his parents surprised him by spending the entire day with him. The day when he became friends with Ed and Eddy. When he woke up after the accident and he was not alone because Marie wouldn't leave his side. And when Kevin chose him. Yes, those were the few moments and Kevin was trying his hardest to make the time they spent together nothing short of happiness.

Almost three months had passed by and their relationship remained a secret. In the hallways, they made eye contact if only for a few lingering seconds. Whenever Kevin saw Eddward at his locker he made sure to brush against him if he walked by. Whenever Eddward didn't see him Kevin would give him a light shove and then smile at him over his shoulder as he walked by. There was even one occasion where Kevin slapped his ass and Eddward's cheeks burned a fierce red color for the remainder of the day to which Kevin only laughed.

They even ate lunch together less than a handful of times and their sole excuse was the history project they had due which Eddward had completed weeks prior, but the excuse gave them some time together which he was grateful for. And whenever their practices let out they made it a point to walk home together. If people talked, Eddward wasn't aware. Yes, for once Eddward's life wasn't an isolated affair.

Fall would soon be ending and Thanksgiving was fast approaching. Eddward despised Thanksgiving, along with Christmas they were two of the most hated days of his life. Mainly because he spent a majority of the holidays locked away alone inside his house. Holidays were just a reminder that somewhere his parents were off working so he could live what they deemed a decent lifestyle. If they knew what they were condoning maybe they would come home more often.

This year would be different though. This year Eddward had Kevin. For once he wouldn't be alone. At least he thought that up until the day before Thanksgiving break.

The day before Thanksgiving break was a half day and all sports were canceled until school resumed the following Monday. Eddward had seen Kevin in passing a few times that day and each time Kevin refused to look at him. Eddward felt a pang of dread erupt in his gut. It was right behind the scar Jensen had carved into his skin and it left him with a sickening feeling. Maybe it was a sign of something awful to come. Had he done something wrong? Was Kevin angry at him for something? Kevin would barely spare him a passing glance, how was he going to find out what was wrong?

The final class of the day was the history class they shared. Kevin was already in class when Eddward walked in. Kevin had been talking to the person in front of him and as soon as his eyes locked on Edd's they went blank and he cast them down towards the desk. Eddward stopped and stared at Kevin. A mixture of hate and betrayal were pooling in his stomach. He let Kevin in, he had let Kevin see the broken bits and pieces of his soul and this is how he was to be repaid. Something snapped inside Eddward like a coil that had been stretched to its limits.

The bell rang and the remainder of the students took their seats. Eddward wasn't aware at that moment, but a majority of the students were staring at him. Eddy was in the back row calling his name and waving trying to grab his attention, but he couldn't focus on that right now.

The teacher's voice broke through his thoughts.

"Eddward, would you mind taking your seat so we can begin class?"

Kevin finally looked up to meet Eddward's gaze. Now you notice me.

"Eddward?" the teacher said again.

All eyes were glued to him, but the only gaze he cared about was Kevin's. Kevin looked confused, but at the same time upset. His eyes begged Edd to deal with this matter later, whatever it was.

One thought ran through his mind. A single notion.

Fuck this.

Without a word, Eddward turned on his heel and exited the classroom. He could hear the teacher yelling at him, but he didn't care. Eddward had never skipped a class before. Eddward had also never had a boyfriend before who agreed to be there for him and then blatantly ignored him. I guess there was a first time for everything.

Cutting briefly entered his mind, but was soon dismissed; no Kevin's disregard for him was not a reason to cut right now. He surprised himself actually. Normally cutting was the solution for everything. Cutting could cure all his problems. But cutting wouldn't free himself of this anger that ignited deep within his stomach. Right now the rage he felt could only be expelled in one way.

Once he was home, Eddward went to his basement and pummeled his makeshift punching bag. He pretended it was Kevin and he took all his anger and aggression out on it until he was out of breath. One punch after another punch until his knuckles were throbbing and bloody. Eddward had unleashed a new way to deal with anger, one that he had yet to make a false promise about. With every punch to the lopsided bag, pain erupted through his cracked knuckles and resonated through his hands.

His wrist needed a well-deserved break. True it had been almost three months since the last cut to his wrist, but still.

Once he was done he stood back to examine his knuckles. He was sure a few of them were broken and bruises would soon envelop the skin. There were tiny cuts which mixed with his sweat and stung, but it was a welcomed pain. Upstairs he could hear the buzzer to his doorbell chiming consistently. Had that just started? He grabbed his phone to check the time. School was supposed to let out at 11:15 that day, but he had left and hour or so before that time. It was now 11:35.

He had numerous missed calls and texts from Eddy and surprisingly only one from Kevin.

Hmm. He wondered who would be at his door.

He ascended the stairs to the main floor of his house and opened the door as the buzzer sounded again. As he turned the handle the door pushed open forcefully and a grumpy Eddy trudged in shouting.

"What the fuck was that all about Mr. Moody? You just walked out and completely ignored me. I would have ditched with you, ya know." Eddy rambled and then finally took in Eddward's appearance. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Eddward scrunched his hands a couple of times, "I had some aggression I needed to dispel of."

Eddy gave Eddward a quick once over before he said a single word. "Kevin?"

Eddward rolled his eyes. "I thought that was quite obvious."

"So what was with the stare down before class? You guys fighting or something?" Eddy asked.

"Or something…" Eddward answered as his words trailed off. "He's ignoring me today."

Eddy arched an eyebrow, "How so? You guys barely talk in school as it is."

"I realize that, but today was different."

"So what, you come home and beat the shit out of… a wall?"

"Makeshift punching bag." Eddward corrected.

"Right. So you good now? You want me to go punch Shovelchin for ya?" Eddy asked as he pounded his fist into his open palm.

Eddward smiled at the gesture. "Thank you Eddy, but I will deal with it."

"Whatever Sockhead. I gotta go help my mom get ready for dinner tomorrow. She invited Nazz over." Eddy said and turned a few shades whiter.

"You'll be fine Eddy." Eddward reassured him.

"Yeah, until my brother tries to steal her from me, or starts embarrassing me. This is gunna be a disaster." Eddy rubbed his hand over his face and turned to him before he left. "You know you can come over if you want."

"Thank you Eddy, but I'll be fine here. Who knows maybe my parents will grace me with their presence this year."

Eddy frowned at the statement; Eddward's parents had spent maybe three or four Thanksgivings with him. The odds were not in his favor for tomorrow.

Eddward opened the door to let Eddy out and saw Kevin talking with Nazz across the street in front of Kevin's house.

"Last chance Dee, I can walk over right now and sock him right in the jaw." Eddy offered up again.

Eddward's eyes narrowed at Kevin, "no Eddy, that needn't be necessary."

Eddy hopped down the stairs and crossed the street to where Nazz was shoving Kevin. A very stern look was plastered on her face. Kevin was rubbing his arm from where she had shoved him and then he looked back up to Eddward. Once Eddy made his way to Nazz he started yelling at Kevin and then turned to Eddward to give him a thumbs up. Eddward shook his head. Leave it to Eddy to always try to fight his battles for him. Nazz and Eddy departed towards Eddy's house together and Kevin begrudgingly started making his way over to Edd's doorstep.

Kevin looked up at him with a hopeful gaze as if begging him to understand something that had yet to be said and Eddward did the only thing he could think of. He shut the door and slid down onto the floor. His aggression was long gone and now it was replaced with hopelessness and desperation. What if this was it and Kevin no longer wanted to be with him. He knew this would happen. He had jinxed himself from the start. Once you open up to someone they take control. Eddward had relied too heavily on Kevin for happiness and now it was slapping him in the face. He couldn't ignore the inevitable forever, but opening the door wasn't an option just yet.

He heard Kevin's footsteps climb his porch steps and heard his hand on the doorknob.

"Edd, I know you're still there. Open the door."

Eddward remained silent. He felt tears prick underneath his eyelids. Was this truly it? Was Kevin about to end things for good between them?

"Edd please, I don't know what you're thinking, but whatever it is stop. Just-just open the door."

Eddward stood and turned to face the door. Kevin did not sound like himself. Eddward placed his hand on the knob and turned his hand until the door clicked open. He pulled the door open and faced Kevin head on. Kevin looked broken and unsure of himself. Two traits he never once associated with the jock.

"Hey," was all he managed to say.

"Hello, Kevin," Eddward said as he turned and walked towards the stairs.

He heard Kevin close the door and follow behind him. Once they reached his room Eddward took the seat at his desk while Kevin opted to stand awkwardly in the door frame.

"Look," Kevin finally managed to say, "I wasn't trying to ignore you today."

"Really, it sure seemed that way," Eddward responded hastily with venom on his tongue.

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck like he always did in these kinds of situations, "Yeah, I know. You see… I had plans for this break. I wanted to spend time with you, especially tomorrow, but when I woke up today my stepmom told me we were going to go spend the holiday with her family out of town… and I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry."

Eddward's features softened. He felt like a damn idiot. He'd been acting like a selfish brat when in reality Kevin was afraid to upset him. How often had he acted the same way towards the jock in the past? The first two nights they'd ever spent together Eddward tried his hardest to avoid Kevin and shut him out. Eddward was used to being shut out, but he never realized how much it would hurt being on the receiving end when Kevin was the one closing the door.

Kevin crossed the room and crouched in front of Edd. He took his hands and squeezed them. Eddward hissed from the pain and Kevin furrowed his eyebrows before he looked down to examine Edd's hands. And here comes the scolding.

"What the hell Edd, what did you do?" He asked as he gazed on the bloody and swollen knuckles.

Eddward flinched at the tone, "Punching bag," he answered.

Kevin stood abruptly and began pacing the room. His hands balled up into fists which he clenched at his sides before he turned back to face Edd.

"You did this because of me right?" Kevin asked and was met with a painful silence. "Great, just fucking great."

Eddward hated when Kevin swore, he'd only ever sworn at him a handful of times, and it usually involved Eddward's self-destructive ways. Eddward was a failure of a boyfriend, he knew it. Right now Kevin was probably blaming himself and it really wasn't his fault. Well in a way it was. Eddward did beat the punching bag to a pulp because of Kevin, but the jock had no way of controlling that. He would never have that kind of control over Edd. He would never allow it.

Eddward stood from his seat and flexed his aching fingers a few times.

"Kevin-" Eddward began but stopped when Kevin hugged him tightly.

"I'm sorry, okay," Kevin said. "I wasn't trying to ignore you today; I just didn't know how to tell you I was leaving. I know you spend a majority of time alone and I didn't want you to feel like I was ditching you."

"Kevin, it's fine. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I overreacted." Eddward admitted sheepishly.

Kevin pulled Eddward over to the bed and pushed him down before climbing on top of him. He straddled Edd's hips and his hands reached up to discard the black beanie. Edd was pinned down beneath him and Kevin wanted to do so many things to him. He brought his face down close to Eddward's ear. "You have no idea how badly I want to stay here with you." He whispered huskily into his ear.

Eddward's body tensed at the words and his mind unraveled. Kevin had a power over him. He was able to bring Edd to his knees in moments. With just a few correctly placed words delivered to his ear in just the right tone, Edd was left succumbing to his fate.

Kevin bit down lightly on his ear which earned him a low moan from the back of Eddward's throat. Kevin's lips moved toward Edd's placing light kisses on his cheeks until he reached the corner of Eddward's lips. The next kiss should have been placed directly on his lips, but Kevin changed directions and started leaving kisses down his chin until he reached Edd's neck. He shifted his weight as he licked a small patch of skin at the base of his neck and then began to suck at it lightly. Eddward's hand grabbed at Kevin's shirt and clenched onto a fistful of fabric. His knuckles were pulsing, but he ignored it.

Eddward could feel his arousal growing beneath his jeans and cursed himself for wearing pants this tight. What had he been thinking with this new wardrobe? He was suffocating inside this denim cage.

Once Kevin had finished leaving his mark he grabbed Edd's face and crashed their lips together. Kevin's tongue slipped mercilessly into Edd's mouth as it battled for dominance. Eddward was willing to be submissive in this scenario. Kevin needed to reclaim Edd as his own. This was the only time he would allow Kevin to have control. It was the only control he would ever have over Edd.

He could feel Kevin's arousal building as well as it pulsed against him. They'd never gone farther than this and Eddward wasn't sure why. Sure, they were both completely new to this, being with another guy that is. But he knew Kevin had experience with girls. It disgusted him to think about Kevin ever being with somebody else, but Kevin had been. So why was he holding out on Edd like this? Was Edd even ready for a step like that?

As Edd's mind wandered, Kevin's hand had slithered down his body and cupped his arousal outside his pants. Something ignited within Edd and he grabbed at the back of Kevin's neck to pull him in even closer. Their kiss deepened and became almost animalistic. Kevin began to knead and palm at his aroused state and Eddward was slowly losing it. Low moans were muffled by their conjoined lips and Eddward's body needed more. He felt Kevin's hand reaching for the zipper and-

Kevin's phone started ringing in his pocket.

Their eyes shot open and Kevin pressed his forehead against Eddward's.

"That's probably my dad wondering where I am."

Eddward was panting heavily. He wasn't sure if he was angry at the blaring noise for disturbing them or thankful for it. On the one hand, his body responded to Kevin and craved for more touch. His body ached for a release which his battered mind couldn't comprehend. His brain was screaming at him. Don't let him in that close. It's dangerous. There's no going back.

Kevin kissed him once more before he rolled off of Eddward and retrieved his phone from his pocket.

"Yeah dad, I know- I'm coming. Okay, sorry." Kevin said quickly before ending the call.

Eddward was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to rein in his teenage hormones. His skin was sensitive to Kevin's touch and he could still feel the lingering presence of faint kisses sweeping across his skin.

"Sorry I can't stay longer. My dad's pissed." Kevin said as he stood in front of Edd.

Eddward nodded. "When will you be back, " he asked.

Kevin crouched down in front of him so they were eye level. "Hopefully by Saturday. My stepmom will most likely go black Friday shopping with her sisters. Maybe after that I can convince her to leave, or at least let me leave."

"And how would you just leave by yourself?" Eddward asked curiously.

Kevin shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "It's only like two hundred miles; I'll walk back to you if I have to." He answered cheekily.

Eddward rolled his eyes playfully, "Ever the romantic."

"Only for you babe." The words rolled off of Kevin's tongue so naturally and Eddward scrunched his nose at the term.

"Babe? Seriously?" Eddward asked. He despised the generic pet name, but at the same time he found it endearing that Kevin had used it.

"Oh right," Kevin began, "I forgot, you and your labels." Kevin seemed to ponder it over in his head for a moment and then he smiled as he placed a kiss on Eddward's cheek. "Get over it. I'll call you later babe." He said as he stood and exited the room.

Eddward sat in silence dumbfounded. This day had played out much differently than he had originally anticipated. True, he would be alone yet again on a holiday, but he was oddly satisfied. Kevin would return soon. Everything would be okay. And even if it wasn't, it was still okay not to be okay.


	12. Drowning

The mail sat in a neat pile on his kitchen table. A few bills, some junk mail, and a white, square envelope addressed to Eddward from his parents. After Kevin had left he had gone for a run and on the way back he'd grabbed the mail. He haphazardly threw it on his table and noticed one piece did not look like the rest. He didn't even need to read the return address or look at the handwriting to know who it was from. He got a card whenever they couldn't make it to a holiday or special event in his life.

But this time something was different. Eddward was different.

He hadn't heard from his parents since the morning he flipped out on Kevin and kicked him out. That morning wasn't one of his finest. Eddward sat at the table with a towel draped around his neck from his shower. Besides the towel, only a pair of black basketball shorts adorned his body. Eddward flexed his fingers and then squeezed them into tight fists maybe a few dozen times before he finally opened the envelope. He pulled the card out, but he couldn't muster up the strength to read it.

His chest felt tight like an iron fist was clamping down on his lungs. Blood started rushing through his ears and his vision became foggy. No. Not now. Why was this happening right now? He lifted his hands up to his face and noticed how they were shaking. He felt nauseous. He quickly snatched up the card and crumpled it. He squished it tight between his palms. His knuckles started bleeding again and a few droplets fell onto the table.

Eddward saw them fall in slow motion. His eyes were fixated on the tiny beads which had collected themselves on his table. He dropped the card and gently pushed his chair back before standing. He stared at his delicate hands. The blood had slid down from one of his knuckles and down his hand in a perfectly straight, red line. It was beautiful. He brought a finger to the blood and wiped at it, clearing a path which showed unharmed skin beneath.

His body seemed to move on its own account as he climbed his stairs to the second floor bathroom. Eddward swallowed hard as he opened the bathroom door and flicked the light switch on. Three months, it had been three long, cut free months. He looked down towards his wrist, his last cut had completely healed and now only a thin line of fresh skin embellished the area. There were others like it, all neat and defined along his wrist. It was as if he used a ruler to carefully mark out each new destination.

He was sweating now; he was aching to make a new creation in his flesh. Why? He'd been just fine earlier that day after he and Kevin had talked. Would he really jeopardize the promise he made to Kevin over a stupid card from his parents? Eddward stared at his sore and bruised knuckles which were now covered in dried blood again. Kevin was furious when he saw the damage earlier. No. He couldn't do that to Kevin. Not right now.

But Kevin isn't here right now. Some foreign voice whispered from somewhere in the depths of his mind. Kevin was gone until possibly Saturday.

No. He shook his head violently and backed up until he bumped into the wall.

Eddward felt horrible, but he knew what he had to do. He reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone and went to call the one person who was always there to listen, but hesitated when he saw her name.

When was the last time he had talked to her? A month ago? Maybe two? Marie had graduated high school the previous year so he never saw her at school anymore. For the first time, Eddward realized what a horrible friend he was. He'd been using her this entire time and he didn't even acknowledge it. Sure he had known. Deep down he knew it was the truth, but the dreams and panic attacks happened so often. And she was there, always there, but now… when had he been there for her?

He closed his phone and threw it out into the hallway where it hit the wall with a dull thud.

What was happening to him?

Eddward's nausea took hold of his body and he ran to his toilet to empty what little contents he had in his stomach. He heaved until there was nothing left, but bile. Once he had finished he wiped his mouth and rolled onto the floor. One cut, just one… he could stop after one. He needed this, if not he wasn't sure what would happen. Breathe Eddward just breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He started coughing violently, his stomach was aching. He wrapped his arms around himself and waited for the sickening feeling to leave, but it didn't. He'd never had this kind of problem before. Even after Eddy found out, he was still able to maintain his dangerous lifestyle. Why was Kevin's knowledge causing this inner turmoil? He slowly sat up and reached for the drawer handle. He pulled it open ever so slowly and peered inside at the beautiful instruments which were held within. His razors smiled back at him.

He let his hand reach in and pick one. He gripped it firmly in his fingers as he brought the point down onto the knuckle which had started bleeding earlier. There was still fresh blood from when he opened the cuts from scrunching his fists, not all of it had dried yet and he wanted to see more. I'm not really cutting. He thought trying to reassure himself.

The point of the blade sent waves of pain down his nerve endings, but also a sense of blissful euphoria. A sadistic smile had etched itself onto his face as he pushed the point in further and twisted it. Tiny jolts of pain erupted inside his flesh causing sweat to bead along his forehead. This was perfect, just what he needed… a loophole.

A small bubble of guilt was forming in his stomach, or maybe that was the nausea coming back? Oh well, he could ignore it for the time being. Eddward could just make out a chime going off, but it felt so distant like it was miles away and not coming from within his own home.

Was that his ringtone for Kevin playing?

Kevin.

Eddward dropped the razor in the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

His mask was gone. It crumbled into hundreds of tiny pieces and chipped away until what was left staring back at him was someone he despised.

"You disgust me," he said to his reflection. "I knew you would fail."

Eddward ran his hands under cold water to rid himself of the blood before wrapping a washcloth around his hand. He took the razor and dropped it into the trashcan. The chosen razor fell from grace and made a clang when it landed at the bottom.

Kevin's ringtone started playing again and Eddward hung his head in shame as he crossed the hall to retrieve his phone from the floor. He grabbed the phone delicately as he brought it to his ear.

"Hello, Kevin." He said trying to compose himself.

"Finally Edd, what took you so long? This is like the fourth time I tried calling you." Kevin answered and Edd felt the knot of guilt turn into a wave and wash over him. He was going to drown.

"Sorry," was all he could muster up to say as he walked to his room and collapsed on his bed.

"You okay? You sound upset." Kevin asked concerned. Eddward brought his hand to his face and stared at the washcloth.

"I don't feel well," he said, it wasn't entirely a lie. He felt like lowlife scum which was almost the same as being sick.

"What can I do to help?"

Stop trying to save me. You can't. That voice no longer sounded foreign, it was becoming hauntingly familiar.

"Edd?" Kevin called out.

"I think I'm going to retire for the night, Kevin. I'll speak with you later." He said and abruptly ended the call.

What was wrong with him? This was his own fault. He had let Kevin in and now he was going to drag Kevin down into the water with him. Eddward wasn't sure when the depths of oh his subconscious claimed his fragile mind, but soon he was sleeping. For once there were no nightmares, what nightmare could compare really at this point.

He awoke early the next morning. His phone was flashing beside him indicating he had new messages. He flipped open his phone as he scrolled through the new texts.

'Edd u sure ur ok?'

'Babe please answer me.'

':/'

'Just please call me wen u wake up.'

'Ok?'

Eddward shut his phone. The guilt still swam inside his stomach, but it was something he could deal with. He made his way downstairs to where the crumpled card still sat on his table. He glared at it angrily. He was about to walk over to it when his doorbell went off. Edd turned to look at his front door. Who the hell was here so early?

Hope surged inside him… his parents? Wait… hope? No, no he didn't care about his parents. Well he did. They would always be his parents, but…

Eddward stumbled back. He grasped the table behind him to steady himself. After all these years, he still secretly hoped his parents would be home for the holidays. So pathetic. He cursed at himself as he felt tears fall from his eyes. Eddward fell to the ground and backed away until his back was pressed up against his fridge. His head lolled back as he blinked rapidly, but the tears wouldn't stop coming.

Eddward played the role of a tough guy. He was an actor plagued by deep rooted anxiety that bubbled just beneath the surface. He was a shell hardened by a terrible night which infected his humanity. Inside his hard exterior, a pathetic nerd named Double Dee hid. And Double Dee was secretly hoping and praying that he would one day be rescued. Every so often the shell would crack and Double Dee would find his way to the surface, if only for a few seconds. But almost the instant it happened he was sucked back down and Eddward would regain control.

Eddward scratched at his knuckles and he heard Double Dee scream inside of him. The pain kept the nerd locked away. Eddward continued to scratch at his knuckles until he couldn't tell he was doing it anymore. It became a calming rhythm as he lost himself in the notion. A thick, wetness coated his fingers, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. The pain was real and he had to focus on that. It was the only constant occurrence in his life which never seemed to fail him. Happiness had never seemed further from him than in that moment.

Eddward was vaguely aware of another presence in the room. Strong, warm arms grabbed him and pulled him close. A rough voice was screaming at him, but he couldn't focus on that right now. His mind honed in on the pain. He felt someone grab at his wrists. No one was allowed to touch his wrists! He tried to yank them back, but a viselike grip held him firmly in place. Anger coursed through his blood as he tried to pull back again.

Another coarse yell, but Eddward couldn't make out who was scolding him. The voice sounded angry and afraid at the same time, but why? Eddward wasn't doing anything to the owner of the voice. Something brushed by Edd's cheek and then a soft pressure was placed on his mouth. Eddward recalled this feeling from several previous encounters. His eyes slowly began to focus. A blurry red hat came into vision. The rest of Eddward's senses slowly started coming back to him. He felt Kevin's hands gripping his wrists tightly as the redhead pulled back from the kiss.

"Edd you gotta snap outta this babe. Please." The last word cracked his voice.

Eddward tried to reclaim his wrists and pull them back again, but Kevin wouldn't let them go. Kevin was pleading to him, begging him to break out of his trancelike state. Eddward blinked a few more times before his vision finally allowed him to see. Kevin was crouched in front of him. His eyes were bloodshot and his face held a reddish tint. He was wearing a disheveled t-shirt and some sweatpants. Honestly, he looked awful, like he hadn't slept well the previous night.

Eddward swallowed as the guilt finally set in. He felt it reach out and squeeze his neck between its bony clutches. Eddward didn't deserve Kevin. Eddward deserved pain and right now Kevin was in more pain than Eddward had ever seen before. He fought against the guilt until he was able to form a single word.

"Kevin," Eddward whispered.

Kevin released his wrists and grabbed Eddward in a tight hug. He buried his face into Eddward's neck as he held onto him for dear life. Eddward brought his hands up slowly and wrapped them around Kevin to return the gesture. They stayed like that for a few moments before he felt Kevin pulling away.

Kevin stared at Edd. His eyes tightened and his jaw was set firmly.

"Don't you ever do that to me again." His words sounded like ice as they pierced through Edd's ears.

Eddward was confused. "I don't understand."

"What the fuck Edd! Do you even know how worried I've been about you? Hell I didn't sleep at all last night. I was planning on pretending to be sick this morning so I wouldn't have to go out of town with my parents, but thanks to you I didn't need to pretend. The second my step mom saw me this morning, she knew I was sick." Kevin shouted angrily.

Eddward was silent. His hands were aching. He looked down at his fingers and saw blood. He picked up one hand and brought it just above the other, but Kevin grabbed him.

Eddward looked up into Kevin's eyes. There was so much pain hiding behind them, and he had caused it. All of it.

Eddward turned his face. He refused to face him. He didn't deserve someone like Kevin in his life. Eddward was like a virus and he didn't want to contaminate someone else anymore.

"Eddward."

Eddward shut his eyes and scrunched them up tight until he saw an array of bright colors display inside his sockets.

He felt Kevin's weight settle beside him against the refrigerator. Kevin deserved some answers, even if he didn't receive the entire truth he deserved to hear something right?

Kevin is the reason I'm like this. If it wasn't for that promise I could have made a smooth cut along my wrist and this whole scenario could have been avoided. A voice echoed in his mind. Eddward mentally shook the voice away.

"I.. I received a card from my parents. And that is what lead to the position you found me in." Eddward said as he pointed up to his table.

Kevin followed the direction Edd pointed in and stood up to retrieve the crumpled card and then sat back down beside him on the floor. Kevin began to straighten the card out when Eddward let out a low laugh which caught Kevin by surprise.

"I never even read the damn thing," Eddward said with his eyes still fixed on the table where the card had been.

Once, Kevin, had the card open he took a deep breath before he read the first line, "Dear Eddward," he started and then looked over to Edd who now had his eyes scrunched up tight. Kevin reached over and grabbed his hand being careful of Edd's damaged knuckles. He held the card in the other. He waited until Edd opened his eyes back up before he continued from the top,

"Dear Eddward,

The last time we spoke you seemed so angry and I can't help, but wonder why? Sweetheart, your father and I have done everything we can to prepare you for a successful future. I know you may not always understand why we are away, but we do it all for you. We love you Eddward and the next time we're home we'll celebrate your acceptance into Stanford.

All our love, Mother and Father"

The last line hung in the air like an unappetizing stench as the words tumbled around in Edd's ears. He felt fresh tears beginning to blur his vision, but he didn't possess the willpower to stop them. What was the point right now? Once again Kevin had managed to witness another deranged episode of his life. Was this some kind of crude joke? Would Eddward ever be able to wallow in self-pity without the presence of another soul? His melancholy thoughts brought on a new wave of nausea and he turned his head down.

He felt Kevin's hand give his a light squeeze and he screwed his eyes in pain before he ripped his hand away. Kevin stood wordlessly and crossed to the other side of the kitchen. He began to open various drawers and cabinets which irritated Eddward.

"What, pray tell, are you searching for?" Eddward's voice sounded hoarse.

Kevin didn't look at him as he gave his answer, "first aid kit."

Eddward sighed as he pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his forehead on them.

"Second drawer down, near the stove."

Right below the knives. That voice needed to stop.

Kevin made a triumphant "hmf," noise as he retrieved the small box and sat down in front of Eddward. He grabbed at Eddward's hand and began to apply some antibacterial ointment. Eddward hissed and pushed his forehead harder into his knees.

"I'm fully capable of-" Eddward began before Kevin's harsh words interrupted him.

"Shut up."

Eddward clenched his teeth together irately as he lifted his head and glared at Kevin.

"Excuse me?" he bit out.

Kevin ceased his actions for a moment as his eyes met Eddward's. He lifted a single eyebrow as if daring Eddward to say another word. Eddward narrowed his eyes as Kevin dabbed some rubbing alcohol on the open cut. Eddward hissed, but held his composure; his body had endured far worse than this before. After a few moments of staring each other down, Kevin broke eye contact as he finished cleaning Edd's knuckles and began wrapping a bandage around his hand.

"So you gunna tell me what the fuck happened or ya just gunna keep lying to me?"

Eddward rolled his eyes as the remark danced off his tongue, "Your grammar is appalling."

"Is this a fucking joke to you Edd?" Kevin raised his voice as he stood.

He began pacing back and forth and Eddward's eyes stayed level at his knees as he watched him move swiftly from one spot to the next.

"What would you like me to say?" he deadpanned.

Kevin froze as a spike of fury ran through his bones. "Oh, I don't know Edd." Kevin started off sarcastically, "how about 'I'm sorry for worrying you Kevin,' or 'hey, something's bothering me, here's the truth!" Kevin spat.

Kevin ran a hand through his hair, effectively knocking off his hat in the process. It landed ungracefully on the floor a few meters from Edd's scrunched up figure. Eddward's anger had slowly dispersed and only now did he realize how cold he was. He was still shirtless from his shower the previous day. An odd thought struck him suddenly and he couldn't figure out why he wanted to, but he did. Maybe it was a desperate attempt for Kevin to understand or maybe it would be a grave mistake. He stretched out his legs until his feet were centimeters from where Kevin stood.

Eddward watched as Kevin took in his form. His eyes traveled along his legs, up to his shorts and his eyes froze when they reached Edd's midsection. Hard green eyes turned immensely soft as Kevin reached out beckoning Edd for his hands. He helped Eddward stand up and his eyes never once left the scarred flesh above Eddward's navel. With all the commotion he figured Kevin hadn't noticed before. Kevin's hands had brushed by the scar on previous occasions, but he never actually looked at it.

A vast range of emotions tumbled across Kevin's features and Edd began to second guess himself. Would he understand now?

Kevin reached out and brushed his hand against the scar's tough looking exterior. Eddward mentally flinched. There was no turning back after this. The only other people who knew that he was stabbed were Eddy, Marie and his parents, but he'd kept the rest a secret from everyone. People talked about his accident and there were many different stories out there, but he kept the details to himself. He didn't want all that extra attention. Kevin finally brought his eyes up to meet Edd's, they begged for answers.

Eddward's eyes refused to focus on Kevin's, instead, they found a freckle on his chest and that's where they stayed.

"I haven't spoken to my parents since the morning after Nazz's party. They've acquired this engrossed vision that I'll follow in their footsteps and occupy the medical field. I'm fine when I don't hear from them; I've grown accustomed to the emptiness. It's when they randomly make an appearance… that's why I…" Edd felt a sob forming in his throat and he didn't want to continue speaking.

Kevin grabbed his chin and forced Eddward to look at him, "you can tell me," he coaxed.

Eddward felt like his eyes were trembling as he stared at Kevin. Could he really tell him? Why not, what else did he have to lose?

"That's why I cut. When I cut I control the pain."

There he had said it. It sounded weird saying it aloud. Eddward swallowed and grabbed Kevin's hand. He brought Kevin's fingers to his scar.

"This was meant to kill me, the final blow, but it didn't. This was the l-last time pain was out of my control." He stuttered and he hoped Kevin didn't catch it.

He'd lost control while cutting once, but that was different and also a long time ago.

Kevin's expression softened as awareness washed over and consumed him. Eddward needed Kevin to understand. He needed someone to understand.

If someone understood then maybe…

Just maybe…

Maybe he wouldn't feel so alone.

…

Or maybe he'll drown too…


	13. Pain and Betrayal

So it was needless to say that Kevin's plan for a romantic dinner with his boyfriend was a complete and utter bust. Kevin wanted to spend the holiday with Edd more than anything. The second he had left his boyfriend's house he formed an elaborate plot to stay home. Okay, so feigning sick was not exactly an "elaborate plot," but Kevin had mastered the art of being sick to get out of school over the years, he could pull this off.

His plan was full proof and there was no way it would fail. It was rather simple really. Wake up and tell his stepmom he had a stomach ache while rubbing his stomach for the added emphasis. Also he was going to splash some water on his face right beforehand for an added dramatic effect. It was the perfect plan, but he didn't need to pretend.

After he had called Eddward that night his stomach twisted into a knot. He could tell in Edd's voice that something was wrong. Kevin wasn't stupid and he had grown to know Edd over their short time spent together. The kid shut people out, especially him and to top it off he was a horrible liar. Eddward had not been sick earlier in the day so how would he have fallen ill so suddenly? Kevin wasn't buying it in the least bit.

After he had hung up with Edd his mind wandered into worst case scenarios and Kevin was physically sick by the time morning came. What if Eddward cut again? He promised he wouldn't, but still. Kevin had never worried like that over someone else in his entire life. It was terrifying for him. Eddward had a hold on him and he kept falling harder and harder.

Thanksgiving morning his parents had left really early after they granted Kevin permission to stay home. As soon as their car left the driveway, Kevin had dashed across the street to Edd's house. He called and called, but there was no answer so he resorted to pounding on the door mixed with chiming the doorbell. He had stood outside for what felt like a few hours, when in reality it was maybe five minutes. So he did something rash and abrasive, it was a very "Kevin" thing to do given the circumstances… he kicked in the door.

Sure it was a total invasion of privacy and Eddward would probably freak the fuck out, but Kevin needed to make sure Edd was okay. He had this gut wrenching feeling that something was very wrong… and unfortunately, he was right.

When he burst through the door his eyes quickly surveyed the living space as he called out Eddward's name. He headed towards the stairs when a muffled scratching noise caught his attention. He followed the sound to the kitchen where a figure was huddled in the corner. Kevin mentally prepared himself for the worst as he slowly approached his boyfriend. He called his name again, but the boy was unresponsive, or just flat out ignoring him. Kevin wasn't sure at first. A wave of shock washed over him as he saw what Eddward was doing.

Eddward had his back pressed against the refrigerator and was scratching at his knuckles to the point where his fingertips were drenched in blood. Kevin acted without hesitation as he threw himself down in front of Eddward. Edd's eyes were unfocused and glossy as he meticulously picked at the scabs and cuts on his hand. It was like someone completely different was in control and Eddward was their willing victim. Kevin grabbed him and shouted. He screamed, yelled, and begged, but it aided him to no avail.

In a desperate attempt to halt Eddward's actions he grabbed at the boy's wrists and held him so he could no longer inflict any pain upon himself.

And then there was the scar… that God awful scar that was meant to end Eddward's life. It was the reason for Eddward's destructive ways and Kevin could do nothing about it. Eddward had confessed to him,

"When I cut I control the pain."

What did that mean exactly? Kevin had never considered cutting as a way to control pain. Didn't it hurt? Hell, paper cuts hurt, wouldn't razors hurt more? In the end he had just hugged Edd and said nothing. He was failing miserably at being a boyfriend, he just knew it.

That whole morning had seemed like so long ago when it was just yesterday morning. After Eddward had calmed down and then gotten over the initial shock of his busted down front door, Kevin had convinced him to shower while he fixed the mess he had made. Kevin's original plan was to prepare Eddward a home cooked meal, but instead they got Chinese and watched movies all day. The whole time Eddward felt distant and whenever Kevin asked if he was okay Eddward got defensive. No matter what he did, he couldn't win.

He had spent the night and sure they had cuddled, but something was different. Eddward was different and Kevin felt like he was losing the one person who made him truly happy.

When they woke the following morning (today), Eddward told Kevin he was going to the gym. Kevin said he would go too, but Eddward declined, stating that he was fine and he wanted to go alone. So Kevin let him go.

And that lead Kevin to his third beer as he slouched in his seat at Nazz's kitchen table. Kevin had been sitting on her porch waiting for her to come home from her black Friday shopping. Upon seeing the miserable jock she quickly invited him inside.

Now they sat in an almost awkward silence as Nazz waited for him to answer a question from her magazine.

"Come on Kevin, I can't fix whatever it is you messed up if you don't help me out here," Nazz exclaimed as she pulled her hair up into a loose ponytail.

Kevin took another sip of his beer, "I'm not answerin' that."

"Kevin." She chided

He grunted. "What's the stupid question again?"

Nazz cleared her throat, "You and your man are going out for a romantic dinner followed by a night on the town, what does he wear? And your choices are a suit, khakis and a button up shirt, sweatpants and a t-shirt, or basketball shorts with a tank top."

Kevin rolled his eyes as he downed the rest of his beer and then slumped forward so he could lie on the table. "Tight black jeans, a gray shirt, his leather jacket with the hooded part up and his stupid hat."

Nazz huffed as she shut the magazine and pushed it aside. "Come on Kev, I've never seen you this bummed out before. What happened?"

Kevin crossed his arms on top of the table as he buried his face in them. "It's complicated," he mumbled into his arms.

What was he supposed to say? The problem was that Eddward had a problem and if Kevin confided in Nazz then she would tell Eddy and then Eddy would tell Edd. It was a vicious circle and Kevin was trapped in the downward spiral no matter how it played out.

"I can't tell you." He mumbled with his head still buried.

"Can't or won't Barr?"

Oh, last name. She was getting impatient.

"It's not my problem. It's Edd's problem and I just- I don't know what to do."

Nazz rolled her eyes as she hopped off her chair and went to the fridge to pour herself some juice. Kevin's ears perked at the sound of the refrigerator door opening and he jumped off his chair, strolled to the fridge, bypassed Nazz, and grabbed another beer. He gave her a half-hearted smile as he walked back to his seat. Nazz shook her head as she returned to the table as well. Kevin was already a quarter of the way done with his beer by the time she sat down.

"Damn Kevin, mind cooling it, it's barely noon."

Kevin only shrugged as he resumed his slump against the table, this time he didn't bury his face in his arms.

"Kevin, you're seriously scaring me, whatever it is it can't be that bad."

Kevin's previous encounters with Edd played through his mind.

"You have no idea."

"Then tell me." She demanded as she crossed her arms. "Edd's problem is clearly affecting you too and now you're making it my problem."

Kevin sighed as he let go of his beer and ran his fingers through his hair. His hat tumbled to the floor in the process and he turned his head to see where it had landed. He shrugged his shoulders and made no move to grab it. He turned back to face Nazz. It must have been the beer that eased his mind or maybe he was desperate. He already felt like he was losing Edd, what was left to lose?

"Okay, so you remember how like Eddy was worried about Edd? Well I found out why and I've been trying to help Edd through- the issue, but I feel like I'm just fucking everything up. I'm the worst boyfriend ever."

Nazz furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head as she leaned in closer.

"Kevin, don't talk like that. I can see how much you care about him. There's no way you're a bad boyfriend." She said, and the added as an afterthought. "Does this have to do with why he slammed the door on you when we got home from school the other day? I thought you already cleared that up."

"No, well yeah that too, I guess, but he's just… there's a lot going on with him Nazz. He… he beat the shit out of a punching bag and his hands are all fucked up from it. He did it because of me." Kevin sighed. "I'm a shitty boyfriend."

"Kev-" Nazz started but was interrupted by a third voice which cut into the conversation.

"That doesn't surprise me, I still don't get why Dee's with you." Eddy mocked him as he strolled into the kitchen and kissed Nazz on the cheek before making himself comfortable in the chair beside her.

Kevin rolled his eyes, "why are you here pipsqueak?" Kevin asked, but the teasing tone he usually held was absent from his voice. Eddy's words actually hurt. Why was Eddward with him?

Eddy cocked an eyebrow as he looked to Nazz. "The fucks wrong with him?" He asked.

"I'm still trying to figure that out," Nazz answered.

Wait. This might be a good thing Kevin deducted in his slightly alcoholic induced state. Eddy knew about Eddward's cutting. Maybe he could talk to Eddy! Oh God, what was he thinking, he was seriously about to ask Eddy for help… well Eddward was worth it and this was worth a shot.

"Hey dork, have you noticed Edd acting weird lately?" Kevin asked seriously.

Eddy was taken aback a moment before he asked his own question. "What do you mean exactly? We're talking about Dee remember, he went from the geekiest nerd to dark and brooding overnight."

Kevin took a moment to process. Eddy was right. How was he supposed to word this without saying it? He didn't want Nazz to know. He knew Nazz and she wouldn't judge him, but it wasn't his wrists he was exposing here. Eddward might never forgive him if he found out. But Eddward needed help, if his parents weren't going to be there for him then his friends were.

Kevin pointed to his wrist nonchalantly and waited for the light bulb to go off in Eddy's head. This was pure Barr brilliance if he did say so himself. He could tell Eddy without telling him. This was genius.

He didn't, however, factor in the short fuse that ruptured in Eddy's head. The light bulb burst and glass shards flew everywhere.

Eddy stood suddenly and gripped his hands on the table. "I'll fucking kill him." He mumbled under his breath and then his eyes slowly focused on Kevin. "Did he start again?"

"Eddy what's wrong? Did he start what?" Nazz asked as she looked between the two.

"No, he stopped. He told me he wouldn't anymore, but, he… he's scaring me. He's withdrawn now more than he's ever been. I feel like he keeps shutting me out and I don't know what to do anymore. I sorta… busted down his front door yesterday morning." Kevin said sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck and then continued, "I found him zoned out on the floor. He was scratching his knuckles until they were bleeding worse than they had been the other day. I've never seen someone get like that before. It's like he didn't even know I was there."

Eddy seemed frozen as Kevin's words washed over him. Like he was processing every detail until he finally sat back down, but something had changed about his posture. He was rigid, like the wrong word would set him off and he would burst with everything he wanted to say, but he held his composure.

"You saw it?" he asked as he pointed to his wrist.

Kevin cocked his head slightly. That was an awkward question to ask. Of course he saw it. And Eddy knew so he must have seen it too.

"Yeah, why?" Kevin asked curiously.

"When?"

"The night we saw Jensen being released on the news."

Kevin looked from Eddy to Nazz. She sat in stunned silence. Kevin knew she probably didn't understand everything, but he hoped Eddy would clear it up later. He had said more than he meant too, but it didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was Eddward and helping him. Eddy was probably one of the few people who cared for him as much as Kevin did.

"Where is he now?" Eddy asked breaking the silence.

"He ran to the gym, should be coming back in the next hour or so. Said he needed some space."

"Fuck his space. That house has given him enough space." Eddy spat as Nazz reached over to entwine their fingers. In return he gave her a sympathetic look.

"I'm open to suggestions," Kevin said as he finished the rest of his beer.

"What if we all went over and did like a movie marathon?" Nazz suggested, she was still clueless about the details, but she was still trying to help. Kevin admired her for that.

"Parties aren't really his thing though; he won't want a lot of people in his house," Kevin said.

"Too bad. We're doin' it." Eddy exclaimed as he grabbed his phone and began writing out a mass text.

Two phones went off right afterward and both Kevin and Nazz looked at their recent messages.

'movie night D's house 30 min'

"He's gunna be pissed," Kevin said after shutting his phone.

"Good, he pissed me off first. Fuckin' liar." Eddy said as he pecked Nazz on the cheek and headed for the door.

"Dork, where you goin'?"

Eddy never answered as he exited the house, leaving Nazz and Kevin sitting with a thick air of words that had yet to be spoken.

* * *

Eddward was more than on edge today, he was about to fall off the edge and take whoever got in his way down with him. His nerves were sparking like live wires that were waiting to shock the next person that touched him. Eddward had spent a little over an hour at the gym. There was so much pent up energy he needed to rid his body of. He felt sick thinking about how Kevin found him.

What boyfriend wants to barge in and see their significant other scratching their skin off? His involvement with Kevin was getting too deep, but wasn't that the point? Why else had he agreed to date Kevin?

I love him.

Eddward shook his head, he didn't want to admit it, but he did… he loved Kevin and it scared him more than almost dying two years ago.

When you love someone they become your entire world and the only being that has the power to completely take it all away and destroy you at any given moment.

After Eddward's parents abandoned him he had told himself he would never let anyone in that close again, but he had failed. He handed Kevin his heart in a nicely wrapped box and now it was just a matter of time before it was shredded like his wrist.

Oh his wrist, how he wanted to sculpt a new portrait. His gallery was longing for a new addition, but instead he had bloody and swollen knuckles that adorned his pale flesh. The sight of his knuckles made his stomach twist up like the ends of the bows you see on Christmas presents. His knuckles ached from digging the tip of the razor into them. He needed to figure out a new loophole for his promise to Kevin. Not cutting was obviously not working.

Eddward decided that he would try to think of an alternative as he ran home, opting not to listen to his music for once. He needed to hear the sound of his feet thumping against the concrete pavement. He needed to feel the steady rhythm of his heart as it pumped blood throughout his body. He needed to focus on the sweat as it trickled beneath his wristbands and collected where his scarred flesh was… he needed to cut.

He really wasn't ready to go home and face Kevin again. The inevitable breakup couldn't be too far away. There was no way Kevin still wanted to stay with him. After all, he'd opened up and shared his reasons for cutting. It made sense to him, but to someone like Kevin… he probably sounded ridiculously insane. He wanted Kevin to understand more than anything. He showed him the scar on his abdomen and Kevin said nothing. He acknowledged nothing. Kevin saw him as nothing.

_I'm a failure. I can't even hold a relationship._

Eddward rounded the corner and entered the cul-de-sac. He slowed his pace a few houses before his own. He really didn't want to go inside and face the jock. Maybe Kevin had gone home for awhile, that was plausible. Eddward climbed his porch steps and frowned at the splintered wood of his door frame. Kevin had fixed a majority of the damage, but eventually the wood would need to be completely replaced. He sighed as he opened the door.

If anything, he was expecting Kevin to be sitting on the couch waiting for him. He was not, however, expecting an array of cul-de-sac inhabitants to be residing within his home.

He squinted his eyes at the intrusion as he glared angrily throughout his living room. Jimmy and Sarah were sitting on the floor with their backs against his couch. Ed was wailing his arms near his television; it seemed he was struggling to make the DVD player work. Nazz and Kevin were in the entryway of his kitchen with their backs facing him while they talked to Eddy.

Eddward wasn't sure who made eye contact first, Eddy or himself. No words were said as they glared down at each other. A crooked grin crept up on Eddy's lips as he cocked his head to the side slightly. This was all Eddy's doing, Eddward knew it. His breath came in ragged intervals as his eyes bore holes into Eddy's skull. Oh, if only looks could actually kill.

Eddy knew he hated large gatherings of people. Especially parties. And to top it off it was in his house. He couldn't even leave.

"Double Dee you're here!" Ed exclaimed as he ran over and went to scoop Eddward up in a hug, but came to a halt when Edd raised a hand to stop the unwanted gesture.

"Please refrain from touching me until I've showered, Ed." He bit out angrily and Ed looked taken aback.

Upon hearing Ed's loud announcement of Eddward's arrival Kevin and Nazz turned to face him and Eddy pushed between the two as he sauntered over to greet his best friend.

"About time Dee, can't believe you're late to your own party," Eddy said sarcastically as he crossed his arms and cocked his hip, placing all his weight to one side.

"What party?" he asked through clenched teeth.

As if on cue, Ed procured his phone from his jacket and scrolled to the message that had started it all. Eddward's eyes glanced over it quickly, taking notice of whom the sender was.

 _Eddy_.

"Why are you all here?" He asked as a general question to the small group of people surrounding him.

"Movie marathon, didn't you read the message?" Eddy said sarcastically.

"Eddy I can't get the movie to play!" Ed whined as he pulled Eddy gracelessly over to the television.

Now only Eddward stood in the doorway with Kevin and Nazz in front of him. Nazz must have sensed the tension between the two as she smiled and nudged Kevin toward Eddward. She gave him a small, nervous wave which Eddward refused to acknowledge. She gave Kevin a pat on the back for good luck and then made her way over to Eddy.

To say Eddward was mad was an understatement. He was absolutely livid with disdain.

"Hey," Kevin said sounding unsure of himself.

Eddward scrunched his nose in disgust. "You smell of cheap alcohol and mouthwash." He said as he bypassed his boyfriend and ascended his staircase.

Kevin was stunned for a moment but quickly regained his momentum.

"Hey wait," Kevin called out as he went after him.

When he finally grabbed Eddward's arm they were at the top of the stairs out of earshot from the others.

"Edd," Kevin began as Eddward whipped around.

"What is the meaning of this?" Eddward shouted, but not loud enough to draw attention to them. "You decided to throw a party with Eddy to welcome my return from the gym. This is idiocracy at its finest. Well done, I applaud the both of you for this one." Eddward commented as he tried to rip his arm from Kevin's grip. "Release me at once."

"Hey, this was Eddy's idea, not mine!" Kevin yelled defending himself.

"Well you obviously did nothing to prevent this. Or even attempt to warn me. Thank you for that by the way."

"Dee, come on man-"

"No! I don't want these people here. I don't want anyone here. I just want-"

Kevin grabbed him tight. "I don't want you to be alone anymore," he whispered in his ear. "Please, just for today. I know this isn't your kind of thing, but just this once."

Eddward relaxed slightly in the uncomfortable embrace. Kevin sounded desperate. "May I ask why you smell of booze this early in the day?"

Kevin shifted uncomfortably and pulled away. "Sorry, it was only a few beers. I'm done now."

He avoided the question completely.

"Dude, you reek," Kevin commented.

"As do you," Eddward answered as he rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Excellent observation. May I shower now?"

A cheeky grin spread across Kevin's face, "can I join you?" he asked.

"You're clearly still intoxicated," Eddward responded.

He turned from the jock and made his way to the bathroom. As he shut the door he heard Kevin yell, "is that a no?"

Eddward shut the bathroom door and locked it. He let his body slide down until he was sitting with his back against the door. A small smile had manifested on his face and his stomach felt as if tiny winged insects were currently trapped inside of him. He'd never felt a sensation like this before. Sure, Kevin made him nervous sometimes and there were other times where he knew a fierce blush would take hold of his cheeks. But this sensation was new. He'd heard of the expression in the past but had never experienced it. He couldn't decide if he liked it or not.

Once Eddward had showered he left his bathroom with only a towel around his waist. He entered his bedroom and heard a low whistle emitting from his bedside. Kevin was lounging back with his hands behind his head. Eddward rolled his eyes as he went to his dresser to retrieve some clothes. His stomach was still doing flips. He heard the weight on the bed shift, a pair of feet shuffle across the floor, and a pair of arms suddenly appeared around his chest. Kevin rested his head against Eddward's shoulder.

"Still mad at me?" Kevin asked, his breath was warm against Edd's neck.

Eddward relaxed, this game they were playing was pointless. They were tiptoeing around each other. Eddward wasn't mad at Kevin, how could he be? True, Kevin had allowed the entire neighborhood in his house, but in reality, it was all Eddy's doing. Eddy wasn't easy to stop, Eddward knew that firsthand.

"No, I suppose not."

Kevin smiled and then squeezed him tighter. Kevin's fingers brushed against his scar and he froze. They both did. Maybe Eddward had been asking for too much when he opened up to Kevin. It had been a desperate attempt for someone, anyone to understand. Secretly maybe he just wanted Kevin's permission to continue cutting, but that wouldn't be the case.

It's not your fault you don't understand. I'm embarrassed for trying to force you too.

"Kevin, if you don't release me I can't get dressed."

"I like you better this way," Kevin answered playfully.

"I'm sure you do, but I don't think everyone downstairs will feel the same."

Kevin grunted. "Fine, but no clothes tonight. Okay?"

Eddward rolled his eyes which was pointless because Kevin was still behind him. He was sure the alcohol was still in charge. Kevin squeezed him.

"Okay?"

"Yes, now go." Eddward agreed as a vicious blush spread across his face.

After Eddward changed he made his way to the stairs where his ears were bombarded with noise from the numerous occupants in his home. He shifted uneasily at the top. He despised parties. He could smell alcohol drifting in the air, which meant people were bringing it into his home. He gripped the handrail tightly. Did he really want to go down there?

"Dee, you okay?"

He looked down the stairs and noticed Kevin waiting at the bottom with a concerned look on his face. Eddward didn't even bother to force a smile as he made his way down the stairs. He wasn't trying to fool anyone.

Eddward sauntered over to the end of his couch and sat down. Kevin followed and pushed him over so he could sit on the end. Eddward eyed him suspiciously, but Kevin just shrugged in response. Eddward surveyed his living room again and noticed that Rolf and Jonny were now present. They had pulled some of his chairs from the kitchen so that everyone could have a place to sit. Eddward's skin crawled at the thought of everyone moving his furniture and touching his stuff.

Ed was lying on the floor almost directly in front of the television as he waited impatiently with the remote in his hand. Nazz and Eddy were sitting with their backs against the coffee table. Rolf and Jonny took their seats in the kitchen chairs. Sarah and Jimmy were now sitting on the opposite end of the couch. Ed looked back to them all and then to Eddy.

"Eddy can we start the movie now please?!" he begged.

"Yeah, yeah. Go ahead." Eddy said irately.

Eddward noticed the four empty beer cans behind his small-statured friend.

_Wonderful he's drunk too._

Eddward crossed his arms as he slouched back against the couch. Instead of the plush cushion, he was met with Kevin's arm. Edd turned to Kevin and raised an eyebrow to him, questioning his motive. Kevin only shrugged and nudged Edd. Eddward sighed, but reluctantly leant back and into Kevin's side. Was Kevin truly ready for his friends to know about them?

As the movie played Eddward couldn't really focus. His mind was observant and he took note of everyone in the room. Nazz was cuddling into Eddy's side; she seemed rather relaxed while Eddy was uptight and rigid. The muscles in his back seemed tense and he continuously clenched his beer can, leaving it with dents. Sarah and Jimmy were the only ones who took notice of Kevin and Eddward's close proximity. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Jimmy eyeing them and just overhear the hushed whispers with Sarah.

After two very long movies, the group of kids started talking about old times when they were younger. One way or another, Eddward didn't quite remember who started it; all of their stupid childhood scams were brought up as everyone recalled the crazy antics that ensued in the Cul-de-sac.

"Oh, Sarah! Do you remember the prize grab machine?" Jimmy asked.

_I built that._

"I've got three words for you guys, Canadian squirt guns!" Eddy chimed in earning him an elbow in the rib from Nazz who couldn't contain her giggles. "What you guys all believed it, scamming's in my blood."

"The worst of them all was that gerbil wheel one," Kevin added.

_I built that._

The room erupted into laughter.

_They're all laughing at me._

"Oh, and then there was the obstacle course you had me run, it was fun until you tried to scam a quarter out of me!" Jonny exclaimed.

_I designed that._

"Remember the rocket car?" Sarah said as she tried to contain her laughter.

_I built that too._

"Yes, so fast it traveled around the world, did it not?" Rolf commented.

His head was pounding as all their voices circled around him like hungry vultures waiting to pick at what little remained of his sanity. The insults just wouldn't stop. They were mocking his failure. Eddward felt Kevin squeeze his arm lightly, but he was too focused on the chorus of laughter ridiculing his existence.

They were laughing at him.

They were all laughing at him.

They were picking him and his inventions apart with every memory, even Kevin. He never wanted to be a part of those stupid schemes, it was Eddy… it was always Eddy.

Eddward focused all of his rage in on that one name as said person spoke.

"Not my fault you all believed it."

"Remember the pyramid tour."

_I built that pyramid._

Eddward tried to remain calm. He needed to push past the horrific noise circling around him. Focus Eddward, just breathe.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He could feel his breath becoming labored as he tried to remain calm. He did not need these people to witness a breakdown. They didn't deserve to see him like that. They would just mock him some more. He absentmindedly started picking at his sweatband and rubbing his wrist. This notion did not go undetected by Eddy.

Eddy narrowed his eyes as he raised his voice above everyone else, "Hey Dee, remember when I got you to dress up like a bunny?" His words were menacing as they sliced through the air.

Eddward gripped his wrist tighter as he felt Kevin tense beside him. Something snapped inside Eddward in that moment, he wasn't sure what had caused it. It may have been he could simply take no more. Or perhaps he finally honed in on something dark lurking in the depths of his mind that overrode his feeling of failure. Or perhaps his best friend was calling him out in front of an audience of onlookers who loved watching him fall. Enough was enough. Fuck this.

"Double Dee made a very nice bunny," Ed added.

"If we're going to reminisce about the past we cannot forget about the carnival games. My favorite was when all of yours failed so Ed and I charged a penny so everyone could smack you into a tree." Eddward said darkly.

"That was a fun one." Ed agreed.

"Oh yeah, well my favorite was when Ed and I convinced you, you were dying so you started offering all your stuff to everyone," Eddy yelled as he hit his beer can against the table.

"And how did that end for you Eddy?" Eddward asked triumphantly, "I seem to recall misplacing your spare key." Eddward said and then turned to Kevin.

"Oh yeah, that was a good day. One of the best ass kickings I've ever given." Kevin commented.

Now it was Eddy's turn to squirm under the laughter of their peers. Eddward relaxed slightly against Kevin who wrapped his arm around him. Eddward continued to fidget with his wristband as the conversation shifted to another topic. He felt slightly better now. Mocking Eddy and redirecting the laughter had helped ease him slightly, but he was done. He wanted everyone to leave so he could retire to his bed. He rubbed at his wrist until someone in the room couldn't take it any longer. Eddy waited for their eyes to meet before he spoke.

"Something wrong with your wrist, Dee?" Eddy asked in a low tone.

Eddward began to panic. "Not now Eddy."

Eddy stood and locked his eyes on Eddward.

"What's wrong with your wrist, Dee?"

Eddward froze as icy dread ran up his spine. Was Eddy really going to do this right here? Right now? In front of everyone? He had sunk low before, but this was brutal and betrayal on an entirely different level. Kevin must have sensed his uneasiness because his grip tightened around Eddward.

"Back off Eddy," Kevin said authoritatively.

Nazz grabbed at Eddy's hand trying to make him sit back down beside her. Everyone was quiet all around them as they watched the chaos ensue.

"Answer me!" Eddy barked as he began to circle around the coffee table toward Eddward and Kevin.

Kevin stood first, followed by Eddward as he got in-between the two

"That's enough Eddy!" Kevin yelled.

"Fuck off Shovelchin, this don't have nothin' to do with you." Eddy challenged him.

"I said back off, now. Before you do something you'll regret." Kevin said as he pushed Eddy.

Eddy stumbled back briefly but regained his balance. He was definitely the fighting, angry type of drunk.

"Fucking coward, you always need someone to fight your battles."

No. Not anymore.

"A coward? I'm a coward?" Eddward said as he pushed Kevin to the side and stepped in front of him.

"Yeah, this getup may fool everyone else, but I still see you for who you really are. A fucking pathetic coward who hides inside his big, fucking empty house instead of facing your problems head on. You act all tough, but when push comes to shove you'd rather break promises and cut your-"

The fist seemed to come out of nowhere. Eddward didn't even realize what he had done until it was already over. Eddy was sitting on the floor rubbing his swollen jaw as Eddward towered over him. Eddy was rude and ruthless and he spoke his mind no matter the situation without thinking about the consequences. Eddy was furious, but Eddward had heard enough. Eddy had no right… Eddward felt the tears coming, but he couldn't cry. Eddy could not win… he wouldn't let him be right.

Everyone was staring at him now. He could feel their eyes piercing at his vulnerable flesh. They all had something to say. Maybe they all agreed with Eddy. He needed to leave this scenario.

"This party is over," Eddward said as he turned and pushed by Kevin as he headed for his staircase.

He heard the hushed whispers behind him, but they didn't matter right now. He didn't care about what they thought they knew or what they thought of him. They never mattered before. They were never there for him in the past. The only thing that had ever been there for him was pain and he welcomed its return into his life with open arms. The pain never failed him, it was always there.

* * *

The memories mentioned were from the following episodes:

A case of Ed

Brother, can you spare an Ed?

Ed in a Halfshell

Know it all Ed

Postcards from Ed

Ready, Set… Ed!

Urban Ed

Who let the Ed in?

Who's minding the Ed?


	14. Does He Care

I fell so hard. I never thought I'd ever hit the ground this hard. It didn't hurt as bad as I imagined it would, but still…  
The pain was waiting. It opened it's door and welcomed me into its waiting embrace. The pain is always comforting because it feels like home to me.

* * *

"Come on Eddy, let's just go." Nazz begged as she pulled on her boyfriend's shirt sleeve, but Eddy wasn't budging.

Eddy was furious and ready to march back into that house and give Eddward a piece of his mind. The cul-de-sac kids were all gathered outside of Eddward's house after the infamous punch which had put them all in a state of shock. People talked about how Eddward had changed, but no one had ever witnessed him become violent in the past.

Nazz was desperately trying to talk some sense into Eddy, but he wasn't listening. Rolf and Jonny were speaking quietly near the edge of the porch steps. Jimmy was trembling and Sarah was trying her best to calm down her friend while looking to Ed. Ed was oddly quiet as he stood beside them. His face was pale and his fists were shaking at his sides. Kevin watched him; he had been paying very close attention to Ed for awhile now.

"Ed?" Sarah asked as she grabbed onto her brother's hand.

Ed's expression softened as he looked down at her. "Go home Sarah, take Jimmy with you."

Sarah nodded her head and grabbed Jimmy.

"Let go!" Eddy yelled as he snatched his arm away from Nazz.

Hurt splashed across her face at the gesture and she took a step back. Kevin was becoming really sick and tired of Eddy. They were all having such a nice night. The whole gang was relaxing, sharing stories, and genuinely getting along.

"Knock it off, Eddy." Kevin said sternly as he cracked his knuckles and started walking towards the shortest of the Eds .

Eddy ruined everything, it was that simple. Kevin knew Eddward had been apprehensive at first about all the people inside his home. Well… he was pissed and ready to shove everyone out at first, but after the initial shock and anger wore off he was having a nice night. Kevin even got to hold him while their friends were there and he didn't try to move away or anything.

It was a step in the right direction. Kevin saw progress for their future as a couple. Then Eddy started running his mouth. Eddward was a private person and Eddy had tried to out his best friend. All he wanted was to run back into that house and hug his dork until everything was okay again.

Eddy was still talking, but Kevin refused to listen to anything else. His fists were balled up tight and he was ready for a fight of his own. Eddy was asking for another punch. Before he got close enough Rolf and Jonny moved to stand in his way.

"That is enough Kevin. No more tonight." Rolf said as he crossed his arms and glared down at the ginger.

"Yeah, it's been a long night for everyone," Jonny added.

"This has nothing to do with any of you. It's between me and Edd!" Eddy yelled as he tried to make his way past the barricade Jonny and Rolf had formed.

"You're not going back into that house," Kevin said as he tried to lean around the two blocking his path.

"Oh, but you are? I can't believe you. How long have you known, huh?!" Eddy yelled, his voice hoarse.

Kevin gulped.

"I've had to live with this for years! I've been there. I've been the one trying to pick up his pieces. None of you have ever been there when he needed it." Eddy continued to yell out and no one said a word.

Rolf and Jonny glanced from Eddy to Kevin with questioning looks. Eddy took advantage of their brief moment of distraction to lunge at Kevin. They toppled to the ground with a thud as Eddy straddled him. Eddy punched and Kevin barely had a chance to turn his head as a sickening blow connected with his right eye. Pain rippled across Kevin's face as he felt Eddy's weight being hauled off of him. Kevin looked up to see Rolf and Jonny each holding one of Eddy's arms. Nazz ran to Kevin's side and knelt down beside her best friend. She looked up to Eddy and gave him a menacing stare which he merely shrugged off.

"Eddy what's wrong with you?" Nazz cried out as she held Kevin's arm.

"You fucking knew! You knew and you did nothing!" Eddy spat viciously towards Kevin, ignoring Nazz completely as he struggled against the two holding him back.

"It's not like that," Kevin said defending himself as he sat upright.

"Then what's it like Kevin? When's the last time you had to worry if he would still be there in the morning?"

"I kicked down his fucking door! What more do you want?" Kevin yelled back still sitting on the ground. "He promised-"

"He lies!" Eddy yelled out and his voice finally broke. "He-" Eddy paused and hung his head. "It's not the first time." Eddy looked up to meet Kevin's stare. "He's smart; he knows how to twist words. Whatever promises he made you, they won't last. He still lies straight to my face and every time I've confronted him I always back down when he gets angry. I never wanted to lose him, but this isn't right. I can't… I can't find him like that again." Eddy confessed as he looked to Ed.

Ed made a strange gulping noise behind Kevin.

"What do you mean? Found him like what?" Kevin asked desperately trying to get answers.

Kevin had found Edd a few times now in a compromising situation, each time worse than the one that preceded it. He couldn't fathom how Eddy found him in a worse predicament. How bad had it been before?

Kevin watched as all of the anger which had consumed Eddy completely drained from his body. The kid looked like he had been through hell and back and now here he was battling an inner conflict with himself about his best friend. He knew Eddy cared deeply for Edd, but he always had a weird way of showing it. This was different though. Something had happened before and Eddy was scared.

Kevin didn't like Eddy. He would never like Eddy, but Eddy was Eddward's best friend and he had to acknowledge and respect that. Eddy had been struggling with knowing about Eddward's deadly habits too and for years. And he just couldn't take it anymore. What would happen when Kevin reached that limit? Would he snap too?

Eddy looked from Rolf to Jonny. "I'm not gunna hit him again. Let me go."

Rolf and Jonny didn't ease up until Kevin looked at them and nodded.

"I can't tell you anything else. I'll lose him forever if I do. Just don't… don't leave him alone tonight okay?" Eddy said and waited for Kevin to nod and then he turned to Nazz.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like this." He said and watched as she turned her head from him, clearly not ready to forgive him. "Alright then." He said in a defeatist tone and looked up to Eddward's bedroom window before he turned and stalked towards his house with his hands thrust deep into his pockets.

"Kevin, are you okay?" Nazz said as she reached a hand up to inspect the swelling on his face.

He winced as her fingers brushed the slowly forming bruise. "I'm fine." He answered as he met her stare and saw that she was moments away from crying.

"So is anyone gunna tell us what's going on?" Jonny asked curiously.

"Yes, is the smart Ed-boy unwell?" Rolf included.

Kevin ran a hand over his head and readjusted his hat.

"He'll be okay, just please don't bring this back up okay? I don't think he's ready to talk to anyone about… well anything."

"I see, and are you and Eddward close now Casanova Kevin?" Rolf said.

A furious blush overtook Kevin's face. "Um yeah, I guess you could say we are," Kevin said refusing to look anyone in the eye.

"I knew it." Rolf said as he looked to Jonny who smiled back at him.

"What do you mean you knew?" Kevin asked as his jaw hit the ground and he looked to Nazz.

"Uh-uh, don't you look at me. You were the one being not so subtle on the couch dude."

"Call it the intuition of the son of a Sheppard. Come Jonny, let us go now."

"I think I'm heading home too," Nazz said as she motioned behind them to Ed. "Talk to him, he doesn't look okay."

Kevin glanced behind them to see Ed sitting on Eddward's top porch step rocking back and forth. He watched as Nazz crossed the street and then turned back to Ed.

"Ed? You okay man?" He asked as he came to sit beside him.

Ed shook his head as he continued to sway back and forth.

"Come on Ed, you can tell me," Kevin said trying to encourage the tallest of the cul-de-sac to say something.

"Eddy didn't find him last time. I did."

Kevin froze as he let the words sink in. This was it. This was what Ed had been keeping from him ever since the day Eddward avoided him after school and he ran into Ed. He'd wanted to beat the truth out of him then, but now he could see how traumatized Ed was, whatever information he held, it was eating at him piece by piece.

"Double Dee used to be happy ya know? Even though we were always the outcasts we were happy together. And then he got hurt and everything changed. He wasn't Double Dee anymore Kevin. I still see him sometimes though, but I don't think he lets anyone else see."

Kevin cocked an eyebrow, "What do you mean by that?"

Ed relaxed slightly and stopped rocking as he continued, "I'm not as stupid as you all think. I notice things. Double Dee got hurt and then he was gone and Dee was here to stay, but he let me see Double Dee still. When we play video games, or when we watch movies. Even when we're around everyone else. When we talk I see him. He won't tell me Double Dee is gone because he thinks I can't handle it… I think he's right. I've seen Dee, he's dangerous."

Kevin was blown away by Ed's confession. He never thought Ed was capable of this kind of level of understanding. He gave the big lug credit; he was always judged and made out to be the dimwitted one of the group.

"Why is he dangerous?" Kevin asked when Ed stopped talking.

"I-" Ed sniffled and then wiped his nose with the sleeve of his jacket. "I found him on the floor covered in blood. It was after the accident, maybe a couple months. It was after school had started. Everyone at school was talking about how Jensen was in jail and the rumors were spreading. Everyone kept picking on Double Dee, starting rumors about how he ratted to the cops. It was too much. I went to his house after school one day and he was in his bathroom. He was sitting on the floor and there was blood everywhere. He was unconscious." He gulped and Kevin put a hand on his back. "I thought he was dead. I called Eddy. I didn't know what else to do. There was so much blood. I didn't think he was alive at first."

Ed sighed heavily, "Eddy said he did it to himself. I didn't think people could do that." Ed bowed his head, "when he woke up in the hospital Eddy told him that he had found him. He still doesn't know I know. If he knew he would become Dee to me too. I don't want that."

"I never knew about that," Kevin said as a chill ran down his spine.

"No one does. We kept it to ourselves. Eddy was pissed the hospital only kept him for a few days. Double Dee's real smart. He fooled the psych evaluation and got sent home. " Ed confessed. "Can I give you something?" he asked as he reached into his pocket.

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Kevin answered as Ed fished the object out and dropped it in his outstretched hand.

Kevin looked down at the object questionably.

"You need this more than me," Ed said. "It's Double Dee's spare key. He gave it to me when my mom threatened to kick me out. He said I always had a home with him."

"But, he gave this to you. I can't just take it." Kevin said, trying to give back the key.

Ed shook his head. "If anyone's gunna save him, I think it'll be you."

Kevin felt his eyebrows touch his hairline. "Thanks, Ed."

* * *

Eddward lied face down on his bed as he struggled to breathe through his pillow. Exhaling was easy. Inhaling was the difficult part. Breathing through a pillow wasn't the most hygienic thing. Dead skin cells. Sweat. Dust mites. But he didn't care. Struggling to breathe through the pillow made his lungs ache and it felt right at that moment.

His shoulders were tense and his body convulsed as he tried to fight back tears. He was angry and upset. He wanted to cry until his heart no longer ached, but he also wanted to march over to Eddy's house and finish pummeling his sorry excuse for a friend. His fingers stirred silently by his sides. They were anxious for more. He still hadn't wrapped his mind around his previous actions.

He had punched Eddy and he had liked it.

At first he had regretted it, how could he just hit his best friend? But Eddy was egging him on. The runt never knew when to call it quits. He always had one more remark or one final jab he needed to get in. Eddy deserved that punch. He was going to tell the entire cul-de-sac about his habit. He had no right! Eddward brought his arms up and wrapped them around his pillow tightly.

How could he?

Eddy was supposed to be his best friend. Why would he suddenly decide to tell everyone? Had he been planning this the whole time? Was their friendship even real?

Looking back on it, Eddy only ever needed Edd in the past for the mechanical part of his schemes. Take away that and Eddward held no real purpose in Eddy's life.

Eddward felt pointless, he had reached a new low.

He felt his pillow becoming wet around his face. He clutched at his pillow as tight as he could, but no matter how hard he tried, it did little to comfort him. He was sure everyone had exited his house by now. He was alone and that's what he wanted, wasn't it?

Solitude. Isolation. Seclusion.

He was used to it all. Hell, he wanted this, didn't he?

Well, if this is what he wanted then why did it feel so wrong?

For the first time that day he didn't want to be alone, but alone he was, and it was all his fault.

Eddy had probably told everyone by now. They all knew he liked to slice his wrists behind the comfort of his false sense of security. They would all judge him now. They wouldn't understand. No one did, not even…

Eddward heard soft footfalls coming from the stairwell outside his bedroom. Someone was approaching cautiously.

Eddward felt a strangled sob lodged in his throat trying to break free, but he refused to release it as he heard the footsteps cross to his bedside. A weight settled beside him and adjusted before lying down beside him. An arm stretched out and rubbed his back soothingly and Edd counted the number of times it made a full circle. He needed to stop crying.

Soon the soothing motion stopped and Edd felt a finger poke his side multiple times. He grunted in response.

"Talk to me," Kevin said in a soft voice.

Eddward's shoulders relaxed slightly, but he refused to remove his face from the pillow. He waited until he was sure his voice wouldn't crack before he spoke, "I have nothing to say."

Kevin snorted at the remark. "That's bullshit and you know it."

"What do you want me to say? That I'm upset? I thought that was quite obvious." Eddward said sarcastically while trying to mask how broken he truly felt.

Eddward felt Kevin jab him in his side with more force than before. He wasn't in the mood for Kevin's belligerence.

He growled and turned his head from the comfort of his pillow until he could see Kevin, "Do you mind. I-"

Eddward's jaw fell slightly ajar as he took in Kevin's face. His right eye was swollen and a bruise was starting to set in.

"What happened?" he asked as he reached out to touch Kevin's eye.

The jock flinched slightly but tried not to move away from the touch. He hissed as Eddward's fingers brushed lightly over the skin.

"Eddy isn't the easiest to reason with when he's drunk."

Eddward knew his face was red and his eyes were puffy and bloodshot from crying. But Kevin looked a whole lot worse. "Why were you engaging Eddy further? I don't require you to fight my battles; I'm quite capable of-"

Kevin leaned forward to silence Eddward with his lips. With his free arm that wasn't supporting his head, he grabbed Eddward and pulled him in closer so he could deepen the kiss. Eddward felt his eyes flutter and roll beneath his eyelids as Kevin took control. Kevin broke the kiss so he could push Eddward roughly onto his back and then crawled on top of him.

He straddled Edd and leaned in to capture his lips once again, this time more aggressively. The first few kisses they had ever shared were sweet and gentle, but this one was hungry and demanding. Kevin pushed himself down on top of Eddward as he nipped at his lips. Eddward reached out to rake his nails down Kevin's back. A fire ignited in Kevin as he reached up to run his hands through Edd's hair, knocking the black hat onto the pillow beneath them.

Was this really what Kevin wanted to do right now? Eddward felt like a piece of him wanted to continue while the rest of him wanted to shove Kevin off. He was broken and upset and all Kevin wanted to do was make out? How was that going to solve anything? Come to think of it this was how Kevin tried to avoid any kind of serious altercation.

Edd felt a rush of bliss take over him as Kevin deepened their kiss and he opened his mouth for Kevin's seeking tongue. They clashed and swirled as Kevin demanded dominance, as always. Eddward let him take full control and soon Kevin's hands were grabbing for Eddward's shirt. Their lips separated for a few moments as Edd's shirt came off and then they reattached once again to make up for the brief loss of contact.

Kevin grunted as he pushed his arousal into Edd's thigh. His fingers grabbed at Eddward's sides roughly. Eddward felt his own arousal begging to be freed from the confines of his tight clothing. His body was betraying him. He didn't want this right now. He wanted his boyfriend to understand, but at the same time he didn't want to talk. He absentmindedly reached up to run his hands through Kevin's hair and instead touched the bruised flesh around his eye. Kevin pulled back momentarily in pain but recovered quickly as he went to lunge for Edd's lips again, but Eddward turned his head. This was the excuse he needed.

"What's wrong?" Kevin panted.

"You need to put some ice on your eye to reduce the swelling."

Kevin's body slumped on top of Edd's as he tried to kiss him again, "that can wait."

"No," Eddward said as he pushed him off, "it can't."

Eddward went to retrieve his shirt from the other end of the bed, but Kevin grabbed it first.

"You don't need a shirt to get me ice." He said with a wicked gleam in his eye.

Eddward felt his cheeks turn red. "Very well then." He said as he left his room with a whistle emanating from behind him.

Once outside of the room Eddward felt a sense of unease take hold of him. Did Kevin really even care? He acted like he did. He said all the right things, but then when it came time to talk his body took control and the lust took over. True, Eddward wasn't really in the mood for talking, but that didn't mean physical contact would solve anything. Did his feelings really matter to Kevin? And would he even work up the courage to form that into a question?

A short while later after Kevin's eye had been iced and their hormones were more intact they laid together on Eddward's bed. Kevin had an assembly of pillows nestled behind his head as he sat almost upright against them. Eddward was settled between his legs with his back laying against Kevin's chest. Eddward had insisted upon returning that he wanted to wear his shirt, but Kevin refused and instead took his own off which he claimed would solve the problem. Eddward in return shook his head but made no further attempts in retrieving his shirt.

Edd was reading a book for his English class while Kevin browsed through a comic with one hand while the other rested behind his head. He didn't have any of his homework assignments here and didn't really feel the need to retrieve them from his house. Whenever he finished a page he would lower the comic into Eddward's line of vision and wait for his boyfriend to turn the page for him.

"I wasn't aware that you were incapable of flipping your own pages," Eddward said in a passive aggressive tone.

"Easier to just have you do it for me," Kevin said in a cheeky tone as he nudged Eddward's beanie slightly.

Eddward grunted at the gesture, but continued reading his book. Kevin had long since lost interest in the comic and now wanted to focus on Eddward. Everything Ed had told him was eating away at him and he wanted Eddward to talk to him. Tell him something, anything to ease the horrible thoughts running through his mind. What if he were to find Eddward like Ed did?

Eddward sighed loudly. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Huh?" Kevin asked as he was caught off guard.

"I flipped ahead multiple pages in the comic to see if you were actually reading it." Eddward said as he lowered his book and turned so that he was facing Kevin before continuing, "furthermore, you seem troubled and I'm well aware that there's something more you want to say regarding what happened earlier today."

"I mean, your best friend said some pretty fucked up shit earlier. I know you're not okay. You were a mess earlier, and now... I dunno, it's like you're fine." Kevin said as he dropped the comic and placed his hands on Edd's back.

Eddward sighed and lowered his head until he was fully relaxed on Kevin's chest.

"I'll ignore your grotesque use of language, but I'm still unsure of what you want me to say. Yes, Eddy said some truly horrible things. I never imagined he would do that. I was not as careful as I believed, but I refuse to dwell on what he's done. Clearly I have poor judgment in whom I call my friends. Although it's not exactly easy sustaining a friendship with me." Eddward admitted as he focused on the steady beating of Kevin's heart.

"Don't talk like that Edd, Eddy was drunk and an ass, but he's still your friend. You guys just need to talk." Kevin said as he tried to adjust himself into a more comfortable position, but Eddward refused to move.

"I don't feel as though talking would solve anything at this point. He was prepared to inform everyone about… I don't understand how he thought any of that would end well for either of us."

"He was angry Edd, but he's also worried about you. I don't think he knows how to show it without getting violent."

Eddward nodded his head in consideration before picking his head up to look at Kevin. He arched an eyebrow in thought before speaking, "Why are you defending Eddy? I thought you two were sworn enemies?" He asked.

"Oh, we are," Kevin said sarcastically before his tone changed to a little more serious, "but when it comes to you I think we've found some common ground. Neither of us wants to see you hurt yourself anymore Eddward." Kevin said.

"I've never viewed it as hurting myself. It's always been a way for controlling the pain." Eddward said absentmindedly as if he were thinking out loud.

They laid together in a comfortable silence and pretty soon Kevin noticed that Eddward had fallen asleep. He shifted them so Eddward was lying on the bed and untangled himself from his arms. Kevin stood up to turn off the light and then moved back to the bed when he remembered a promise from earlier in the night. He soon crawled back into bed and grabbed at Edd's waist, pulling the boy closer. Eddward stirred at the contact and felt warmth press along his body. Kevin fell asleep with a wicked smile plastered across his face. Eddward was going to freak out when he woke up in the morning.


	15. Right and Wrong

Eddward drummed his fingers on the side of his desk while he rested his head in the palm of his other hand. His nerves tingled beneath the confines of his skin. He'd been on edge his whole Thanksgiving break and even though it was the first Monday back at school he still couldn't shake the feeling. He was sitting in his last class for the day waiting patiently for the clock to strike three.

The teacher was babbling on about a new chapter and homework that would be due tomorrow and for once Eddward didn't care about school or his academic standing. He wanted to go to his track meet and run as fast as he could until all his problems were left far behind him.

There was a terrible knot winding and tying itself in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't focus on anything. He felt his phone vibrate inside his pocket and he rolled his eyes as he retrieved it. Only two people had been texting him all day. Kevin and Eddy. This message was from Kevin. Eddward let his eyes roll over the words and then exited out of the message and pushed his phone back in his pocket.

Something was wrong with him. Kevin was doing everything a good boyfriend should be doing and how did Eddward repay him? By pushing him farther and farther away. It's not like he meant too, but it's all he knew how to do. Pushing people away is easy. Sometimes it happens without realizing it. Letting a person in, that's the hard part. Once you invite someone in they see everything for what it is and then they can just walk out. If you push them away first, then you control the door that shuts behind them.

Eddward had opened up to Kevin more than anyone else, even Ed and Eddy. He showed Kevin the scar on his abdomen. He explained his reasoning for cutting. And instead of asking or trying to understand any of it, all Kevin wanted to do was make out. But then again Eddward didn't really want to talk.

Eddward was a conundrum. He wanted Kevin to understand, but he didn't want to have to explain himself. Their relationship was escalating and Eddward did the only thing that he knew how to do when he was overwhelmed, he ignored the issue, or in this case, the person. It all started when Kevin's parents came home early Saturday morning.

Eddward had woken up to a blaring ringtone coming from the opposite side of the bed. His bed was warm and the body beside him was offering up so much heat that he chose to ignore it. That was until the ringtone sounded off again. Eddward cracked open one of his eyelids and glared at his clock. It was barely seven. He rolled over fully intent on going back to sleep and that's when he saw it. All of it. Well more like all of him. Kevin was sleeping soundly beside him and lacking all of his clothing.

Eddward's eyes were trapped looking up and down the body of his well-toned and perfectly muscled boyfriend. The blankets they had been sharing were hanging off of Kevin's body. He involuntarily licked his lips. His hormones were toying with him. He wanted Kevin, that was undeniable, but at the same time, he wasn't ready for this. Everything was moving way too fast for his liking. The ringtone sounded again and this time Kevin began to stir so Eddward did the only logical thing he could think of. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep as he heard Kevin get up and recover his phone. He yawned before answering.

"Hello," he said lazily.

Eddward took a chance and hesitantly opened one eye. In return he got an eyeful. Kevin was standing with his back to him in all of his naked glory. Kevin started to turn slightly so Eddward quickly clamped his eye shut as he heard yelling on the other end of Kevin's phone.

"Shit dad- no. No I'm-" Kevin started to say as Eddward heard him scampering around the room, most likely trying to find his clothes, "I'm at a friend's house." Eddward felt a weight settle on the bed behind him followed by the sound of shoelaces being done up. "No dad, it's not even like that. I'll be home in like two minutes I swear." Eddward felt Kevin press a kiss to the side of his face. "I'm coming right now." He heard Kevin's voice echoing down the hall.

A few moments later he heard his door shut. Eddward bolted upright. His skin felt clammy, it was the same sensation he got after a panic attack or a nightmare, but why? It wasn't like he was unaware that their relationship was leading to the next step. Kevin was pretty adamant on having sex, which was quite obvious. But Eddward still had his reservations even though he never once voiced his opinion on the matter.

How could he? Kevin was a jock and one of the most popular guys at his school. He saw countless girls swoon after him on a daily basis, but he always tried to block it out. Kevin had chosen him, out of all the girls he could potentially have. Kevin chose to be with Eddward. But that came with a huge price. Their relationship only existed in secrecy behind closed doors in the sanctuary of Eddward's home. Eddward often wondered when the last time Kevin had sex was. A week before they got together, a few days maybe? What would happen if he didn't have sex with Kevin soon? Would Kevin leave him? Eddward couldn't see Kevin being willing to wait much longer with the way things had been progressing.

Not only that, but sex seemed to be the only thing that occupied Kevin's mind lately. True, he always asked Eddward about his problems, but whenever they started to talk it almost always lead to making out, which then lead to groping. Sooner or later sex would become inevitable and Eddward still hadn't figured out if that frightened or excited him. He'd never had sex with anyone before and while he was clueless, he was dating a guy who had more than enough experience even if it was only with women. What if he bored Kevin? Or what if he just wasn't that good at it?

Pathetic. That's what Eddward was, simply pathetic.

The rest of Saturday and Sunday consisted of Kevin blowing up Edd's phone with texts and Eddward pretending to be busy with schoolwork. He did have schoolwork to complete, but nothing that took more than a couple of hours. In between those texts he received only a handful from Eddy. His texts were short and to the point.

'can we talk'

'I was drunk n angry'

'dont act like u aint gettin my messages'

'cmon d. say sumthin'

Eddy. Just the name of his best friend left a sour taste in his mouth.

Trying to hide from Eddy, wasn't a possibility since they shared their history class, but that didn't mean that Eddward had to sit near him. Surprisingly Eddward was one of the last people to make it into the classroom that day. Upon entering the classroom he strode right up to his teacher's desk fully intent on changing his seat. The teacher was looking through a stack of papers but must have felt the intense stare from Eddward because he immediately looked up.

"Hello Eddward, is my class worth coming to today?"

Shit. That was right. He had walked out of this class on the day school had let out for Thanksgiving break.

"I apologize for my previous actions, but I must request a change in seating. I can no longer occupy the back row."

The teacher raised an eyebrow as he looked to the back of his classroom at Eddward's currently abandoned seat. Eddward turned his head to follow the teacher's gaze and his eyes fell on Eddy who was watching him murderously.

"And why the sudden change?"

Eddward shrugged his shoulders.

He no longer trusted himself to speak. He could already feel waves of nausea trying to drown him. He was sure the room full of students was staring at him now along with Eddy. He briefly wondered how many other people Eddy had told. Did the entire class know? Who did Eddy vent to besides himself, Nazz, and Ed?

The teacher ran a hand through his hair and shook his head.

"I'll tell you what. For today you can take your normal seat and if you manage to sit through my entire class without skipping maybe I'll make arrangements tomorrow for you to sit elsewhere."

Eddward nodded his head once and then turned and made his way to his seat. He felt two sets of eyes watching him the whole time. Eddy's and Kevin's.

As soon as he sat down he could feel Eddy's angry stare burrowing into the side of his skull. He wouldn't look at Eddy though, he couldn't. Not yet at least. If he did then he wasn't sure what he would do.

"So now you're too good to sit next to me." Eddy chided cynically.

Eddward refused to acknowledge him. He wouldn't sink to Eddy's level, not again.

"Fuckin' prick," Eddy said.

Then again, Eddy deserved everything that came his way. And if one of those things just happened to be a fist, then so be it.

"Have something you want to say, Eddy? Or do you simply persist on trying to belittle me further?" Eddward asked as he turned his head to look at Eddy.

"I have plenty I want to say Edd." His voice no longer held its arrogant tone.

The rest of the class went by in a hazy blur with Eddy's words haunting Eddward's mind. And that lead him to where he was now, waiting for the final bell to ring so he could run until his lungs felt like they would explode. He needed to get as far away from reality and all his problems as possible he just needed to…

Eddward swallowed hard as he felt sweat bead along his forehead underneath his beanie. He looked down to his knuckles. They were still scabbed and whenever he balled his hands into fists they cracked and started to bleed. He remembered the waves of euphoria that enveloped him when he stabbed the point of his blade into the bleeding cuts. He'd never done anything like that before and it made his nerves sing with glee at exceptionally high notes. The bell finally sounded and Eddward watched as the hoard of students stampeded out of the room like a pack of ravenous wolves who spotted their prey.

Eddward slowly got up and packed up his things before making his way to the door. The halls were crowded with anxious teens. Some were trying to hurry up and catch their buses while others grabbed their gear and headed off to practice. Eddward sighed as he saw a figure leaning against the side of his locker. Short red bangs poked through the front of a backward facing hat. Kevin was wearing his purple hoodie and dark wash jeans. His eye was bruised and swollen from the altercation with Eddy, but it gave Eddward some reassurance that Kevin was willing to fight for him, even if he took on the majority of the damage. Eddward felt his heart flicker inside his chest.

Eddward's imagination lingered on the naked image of Kevin sprawled out on his bed and he shook his head to rid himself of the troublesome thoughts. He felt a wicked blush tint the edges of his cheeks. As if knowing Eddwardd was approaching, Kevin swiveled his head in the ravenette's direction. Kevin's green eyes were tired and plagued by worry and concern.

As Eddward approached, Kevin gave him a tiny half-smile, but it did little to mask his emotions. Eddward knew Kevin meant business. They rarely talked at school.

"Hey Edd," he said nonchalantly.

"Hello Kevin," Eddward responded half-heartedly.

Eddward opened his locker and began putting away the books he no longer needed. Kevin was watching him intently. His arms were crossed as he leant against the locker beside Eddward.

"Why are you ignoring me?" Kevin blatantly asked.

Of course Kevin had noticed. How could he not? He'd given short one worded answers to all of Kevin's texts over the weekend and his excuses were 'homework' or 'too tired.'

"I haven't been avoiding you. I've been preoccupied." Eddward answered absentmindedly and hoped that Kevin would just accept that.

Eddward saw Kevin grit his teeth in his peripheral vision. "The lies never end with you do they?" he asked with a hint of venom lacing his tongue.

Eddward shot him a nasty look. Eddward knew this was bound to happen. Kevin played the dominant partner in their relationship which meant Kevin controlled everything. But that didn't mean Kevin could control him. Kevin would never control Eddward. The truth was Kevin was always there. He always found a reason to go to Edd's house no matter the time of day. He slept at his house multiple times a week. They saw each other every day. All he wanted was a taste of his solitude back.

"I just want a little space. Is that too much to ask for?"

"No, it isn't, but you'd know that if you'd said something to me." Kevin shot back. "You haven't said anything to me since I left Saturday morning."

Eddward felt his blood spike in temperature. "I responded to the majority of your texts."

Kevin laughed sarcastically, "yeah with every excuse of why I couldn't see you. I swear Edd, sometimes you just-"

_Enough._

Eddward slammed his locker door shut, stopping Kevin in the middle of his sentence.

"What Kevin? Please tell me. I'm just dying to know."

Kevin clenched his jaw tight. His brows were furrowed as he struggled to reign in his emotions.

"Forget it, Dee, just forget it," he said as he turned to leave.

Eddward just watched him go. Normally a boyfriend should run after his significant other, but Eddward felt the need to run in the opposite direction. Eddward was losing control of the situation. He was losing control of everything and that always lead to one thing. Eddward gripped his wrist tight inside his hand and swallowed hard.

Why did Kevin have to pester him? Couldn't he just take the haphazardly written texts for what they were? Couldn't he see how broken Eddward was and just leave him be?

_You can't fix me. I'm not meant to be fixed._

He no longer wanted to go to track practice. Instead, he went home to the place where he knew where every single razor was hiding.

* * *

Eddward found himself in a predicament that was all too familiar. He was sitting in his tub only wearing a pair of briefs. In one hand he held the instrument which would delve new creations into his waiting flesh. In his other hand, he clutched his beloved beanie and squeezed it as a makeshift stress ball.

He'd been sitting there for at least fifteen minutes trying to find the urge to do what he knew had to be done. But when he was finally ready he couldn't. It was like there was an unknown force holding him back.

Eddward's head lolled back against the cool tile of his tub.

_Coward._

Eddy was right. He was a coward, a coward named Double Dee who hid inside the sanctuary of his home. Hidden behind the thousands of sticky notes that littered his walls.

_Pathetic._

Eddward's hand trembled and he felt the razor fall out of his grasp and make a tiny clang on the tub floor. He used his foot to push it away. He was disgusted with himself. Why did he suddenly feel the urge to cry? He was fine, wasn't he?

Eddward grabbed his beanie with both hands and pulled it back into its position atop his head. Then he pulled the front down over his eyes. His arms started trembling as he held it in place. The tears came next.

Everything was happening too fast. He was falling hard and he didn't know when he would finally hit the ground. He just wanted to cut his damn wrist to relieve some of this pent up pressure, but every single time he found the courage to he stopped. One name floated around inside his head.

_Kevin._

He promised Kevin. Why did he have to make such a stupid promise? Why was Eddward bound by his word?

That promise took away his one means of control and now he was left crippled in a tub without an escape route.

Why did he allow Kevin this much power over him? Well, that answer was obvious, but he refused to admit it aloud, but inside his head he was safe.

_I love him._

Or so he thought. Another thought popped into his head.

_If he loved me, he would let me do this._

_If he loved me he would stop trying to fix me._

Some things are better left discarded and broken because even though you gathered all the pieces it will never be as it once was. All the little shards and sharp edges aren't pretty to look at. Its a defective puzzle that you have to force together. Nothing connects correctly. Eddward would never be who he once was years ago.

A vibration from his phone broke him from his thoughts and he reached his hand out of the tub to grab the discarded item on the floor.

'where r u?'

'Home."

'u skippd ur meet?'

'Yes.'

'u ok?'

…

_No. I'll never be okay, but it's okay not to be okay._

Right?

'No.'

Eddward put his phone on silent and tossed it as far away from himself as possible. He heard it hit the wall and then he let himself sink further into his tub full of despair and disappointment with a hint of agony and self-loathing. Kevin said himself he was sick of all the lies so Eddward gave him the truth. Why did he do these kinds of things to Kevin? Yes, he knew he loved Kevin, but was this how love was supposed to be? He'd been very adamant with Kevin from the beginning.

"I don't do relationships."

He'd made that pretty clear. He was a failure due to the lack of any type of relationship with his parents. How can someone love when the only love they'd ever been shown came in the form of lies and abandonment?

Eddward hated to admit it, but he was just like his parents. They preached love for their son, but never showed him any. They tried to provide for him with the essentials, but at the end of the day he still came home to an empty and broken home. How could he let someone in when all he'd been shown was how to push people out and lock the door behind them?

Kevin was always there. He's been there since the end of summer. Every time Eddward tried to push him away he came back. How soon until he ruined that and Kevin gave up? The thought of Kevin breaking up with him made his stomach turn. He didn't want that.

All Kevin wanted was to be with Eddward and he just made everything difficult. Kevin deserved better than him. And Eddward… well he deserved…

"Oh my God. Edd!"

Eddward's eyes snapped open and he pushed his beanie back. That voice, it was so… broken. He turned his head in the direction of the petrified voice which had startled him from his thoughts. Kevin was standing in the doorway. Terror was etched into his beautifully defined face. He was paler than normal and he looked like he was going to be sick. Kevin was frozen in fear for a moment, but quickly dropped his duffel bag and ran to the side of the tub. His hands reached out to cup Edd's face. Tears were brimming in his soft, green eyes and threatening to tumble down his cheeks.

_You don't deserve this._

Kevin was saying words and forming sentences that didn't quite reach the recipient's ears.

_I don't deserve to love you._

Kevin looked around the tub until his eyes caught sight of the tiny silver mechanism lying near Edd's feet. Kevin eagerly snatched at Edd's wrist and looked his arm up and down.

_I couldn't do it._

Confusion followed by relief painted itself in Kevin's perplexed eyes.

_I can't make you understand._

He'd tried before and Kevin never grasped the concept of cutting. Kevin was strong, but not strong enough to handle this. They would never see this in the same light.

Kevin dropped his wrist and pulled Eddward close before burying his face in the crook of Edd's neck. He felt a wetness beginning to coat his skin and Eddward choked on a sob of his own. Eddward squeezed his eyes shut.

_Please don't. I can't._

How much longer would he pull Kevin down? This wasn't fair to him. Eddward needed to find his voice and say something.

"K-Kevin," he managed to say through a strangled sob.

Kevin pulled back and then crashed their lips together, but it wasn't like anything Edd had ever experienced before. This kiss wasn't romantic. It wasn't sexual. It was desperate. Like the last line of measure, Kevin could take to keep Eddward here with him. This kiss was to reassure himself that Eddward was here. Kevin began to pull away, but Eddward couldn't find the power to let him go so easily. He snaked his arms up around Kevin and pulled him in tighter. Tears were streaming down both their faces.

_I don't deserve you, but…_

It's funny how something as platonic as a kiss can make you realize that you've been taking something for granted.

_I need you._

Eddward didn't deserve Kevin, he wasn't sure that he ever would, but he needed him now more than ever. He was finally willing to admit it to himself. Kevin made him feel alive. Kevin was there when he shut the rest of the world out. Kevin broke down doors to be at Eddward's side. Kevin…

"I love you Eddward. I-" Kevin said as he managed to break lip contact for a few moments before Eddward reattached their lips.

Kevin loved him.

Kevin pulled Eddward to his feet, but Eddward didn't posses the willpower to stand. He wobbled slightly and then Kevin did the unthinkable. He picked him up and carried him back into Eddward's bedroom. Under normal circumstances, Eddward would be livid and refuse to be carried like an invalid, but this… this was different. This was Kevin trying desperately to hold onto Eddward physically and emotionally.

Kevin slowly lowered Edd onto the bed and then crawled up beside him. Kevin had stopped crying, but he was clearly still fighting the urge to let more tears fall. He brushed his hand along Eddward's cheek as they laid side by side staring at each other. What was Eddward doing to this poor kid? He looked so broken, more broken than Edd felt. He didn't believe that was possible.

"Edd, no more lies. I don't think I can take it." Kevin said in a broken voice that Eddward wouldn't have believed came from the jock if he didn't witness the words falling from his lips.

Eddward felt his vision going blurry with fresh tears which Kevin quickly wiped away.

"Please Edd. I need you. I need you to tell me whatever it is you think you can't say to me."

"I-I feel as if I'm falling apart." Eddward managed to say.

Kevin brushed a stray hair out of his face. "What do you need me to do?" he asked and waited for a response.

_I can't keep doing this to you._

Edd sucked in his bottom lip and closed his eyes tight. He fought with the words toying in his mind. He needed to say it.

"Say something. Anything."

_I need you, but I can't be with you anymore._

That's what he wanted to say. That's what he had to say, but what came out was something entirely different.

"I love you."

It wasn't a lie. It was the truth. Just not the truth that needed to be told at that moment. Love can do some serious damage.

Kevin was right for Eddward, but Eddward was wrong for Kevin.

Eddward grabbed Kevin by the back of the neck and slammed their lips together. Eddward was a double standard and a hypocrite. He'd been so upset when Kevin used physical touch instead of listening to what Edd had to say, but now he was no better.

Now he understood.

It was easier to let your body become a barricade to your emotions. It was easier to push everything else aside and become a hollow shell. When your body feels pleasure (or pain) it's easier to drown out everything else that happens around you. Because for just those moments everything feels right and you don't feel empty and alone. For a short while you can rid yourself of all worldly concerns.

He didn't want to think. He didn't want to feel anything except for the body beside him.

Eddward allowed his hands to roam, he'd never been this forward before. His hands dug underneath the purple hoodie and scaled their way up the chiseled abs underneath the concealing fabric. Eddward needed this and Kevin showed no signs of stopping him. He pulled at the oversized sweatshirt and Kevin lifted himself up slightly to help in its removal. Once that was gone Eddward pushed him back down and crawled on top of him.

_I need more of you._

In all their previous encounters it was always Kevin who took the lead. Kevin always claimed dominance over him. But now the tables had been reversed and Eddward was reveling in this new found control. It was like a blissful awakening he'd been dreaming about, but didn't know was obtainable. He felt Kevin run his hands along his back and Eddward snapped.

_No. I'm in control!_

He grabbed Kevin's hands and pressed them back down. No, Eddward needed this and Kevin needed to back down.

Eddward captured Kevin's lips once again in a fierce kiss. He pushed his tongue into Kevin's mouth without seeking permission first, but Kevin didn't stop him. Their tongues circled and swayed together in a beautiful harmony. Eddward pushed his hand underneath Kevin's hat and grabbed at the red locks of hair. Once he had a fistful he pulled tight and forced the jock's head back roughly. Kevin grunted and Eddward wasn't sure if it was from pleasure or pain. But those terms were interchangeable at the moment. Eddward broke their kiss as his mouth made its way down Kevin's collarbone.

Instead of kisses, he left light bite marks as he nipped at the pale skin. Once he reached the base of Kevin's neck he bit down hard which earned him a rough and yearning moan from the body beneath him. Eddward began to suck and tease the skin with his tongue. Kevin writhed underneath his grasp and it sent waves of pleasure surging throughout Eddward's body. Kevin's growing erection was seated between Edd's thighs and he felt Kevin bucking his hips in anticipation.

While Eddward held Kevin's head back with one hand he allowed the other to travel down Kevin's defined chest until he touched the top of his pants. Eddward quickly made fast work in unbuttoning and unzipping them one handed which was pretty impressive in itself. Kevin moaned again as Eddward removed his lips from the now dark bite mark. He marveled at his work for a moment before reattaching his lips to Kevin's.

Eddward could feel Kevin's arousal pulsing between his thighs and it ignited a heat within his own body. Eddward trailed his fingers over the top of Kevin's boxers and listened in wonder at the sounds the redhead was making between their rough kisses. Eddward's lips felt swollen and bruised, but this was all so new and exciting, invigorating even. This must have been why it was always so hard for Kevin to stop. He didn't think he could stop at this point even if he wanted to.

"Eddward," Kevin managed to let out and Eddward nearly lost it.

His name sounded so delicious when it leapt off of those lips. He reached down beneath the fabric cage and grasped Kevin firmly in his hand. Kevin gasped at the sudden touch and Eddward bit Kevin's bottom lip hard which earned him another enticing moan. Eddward felt Kevin's hands moving towards him and Edd broke their kiss to look at Kevin.

"Keep your hands to yourself or I'll stop. Understand?" He commanded.

Kevin gulped, but nodded. Edd smiled and then jerked Kevin's head back again and began sucking at the flesh beneath the love mark he'd previously made. Kevin's body was his to control and manipulate. Knowing that Kevin was falling apart beneath him turned him on even more. He gave Kevin's hardened member a light squeeze before readjusting his grip. He began slowly pumping and Kevin threw his head back in blissful euphoria. Soft moans along with Eddward's name escaped the redhead's lips and it only served as fuel for Edd to keep going.

He pumped him faster and faster. He could feel a warm wetness escape the tip and coat his fingers and he began to swirl his thumb in small nimble circles spreading the liquid.

"Edd!" Kevin cried out as he bucked his hips up in time to meet each thrust.

Beads of sweat began to form along Kevin's forehead. He was writhing for release, but Eddward wasn't ready to let him have that just yet. He clamped his teeth down hard on Kevin's neck which earned him another satisfying moan.

"Edd, please. I-" Kevin tried to say, but Eddward devoured the words with his lips.

Eddward moved his grip faster and harder and with one final thrust he felt Kevin moan into his mouth as he found his release. Eddward felt the once hard member going slack in his hand and he released it and rolled onto his side so he could take in Kevin's entire state. His eyes roamed over the shirtless jock beside him who was coming down from his climax. Eddward smiled to himself as Kevin panted while his eyes were still screwed shut.

This was a side of Kevin he'd never seen before. A side which he could manipulate and dominate. Kevin was his and he'd laid his claim. His eyes traveled up to Kevin's neck where two marks laid nestled in his pale flesh. One was a deep, dark purple in the center which faded to maroon at the edges. The other was lighter. It was a dark red in the center which gave into a lighter red at the edges.

Eddward felt a smile creep onto his face as he continued to stare at Kevin's disheveled state.

"That was awesome." Kevin panted after he recovered.

"I agree," Eddward answered and felt a blush consume his face.

Kevin turned his head slightly so their eyes could lock, "so where did that come from?"

Eddward contemplated his answer for a moment. "Consider it an apology for ignoring you all weekend."

Kevin let out a short laugh and tried to lean over to give Eddward a kiss. Eddward quickly pushed away and held a hand up.

"Please clean yourself up before touching me. You're filthy." He said seriously.

"You're the one who did this to me," Kevin argued.

"Fine, I'll never touch you again." Eddward retorted.

Kevin reached out and grabbed Eddward's arm. He yanked him in close and gave him a quick kiss before he left the room to clean up. Eddward heard the bathroom door close behind the jock and his eyes grew wider. The razor was in the tub. Kevin was going to want answers. Kevin deserved answers. Eddward swallowed hard. He could do this.

Eddward scratched at his wrist absentmindedly.


	16. When I Come Calling

It was a quiet evening in Peach Creek. Sarah was jumping rope outside while Jimmy read an article out of his favorite magazine. Rolf was tending to his farm while trying to make sure Ed didn't steal Gertrude out of her cage again. Nazz was sitting in her room ignoring yet another call from Eddy whom she was wasn't ready to talk to yet. Jonny was having second thoughts about his decision to stop taking Plank out in public. Yes, it was a peaceful evening indeed until a certain redhead saw the two giant hickeys embedded into the side of his neck.

Eddward swore Kevin's horrendous screech could be heard throughout the entire Cul-de-sac.

"What the fuck, Edd?!" Kevin yelled again as he stormed out of the bathroom.

Eddward was hiding behind his hand trying to contain his fit of laughter. Today was not ending how he had imagined it would. That morning he had been overwhelmed by guilt and stress. His nerves itched for an ounce of relief. If someone had told him that by the evening he'd be laying on his bed overcome by uncontrollable laughter after sexually pleasuring his boyfriend he wouldn't have believed them. But there he was, lying on his bed, still only in briefs and laughing at Kevin's meltdown.

Kevin was standing in the doorway with one hand cocked on his hip and pointing to his neck with his other hand. His cheeks were still flushed. Eddward wasn't sure whether it was from his release or noticing the two bite marks. Upon returning to the bedroom to find Eddward sprawled out laughing at him, Kevin scowled.

"It's not funny Edd! I have practice tomorrow! How am I supposed to explain this?" Kevin exclaimed flabbergasted.

Eddward wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Why would you need to explain yourself?" He asked.

Kevin grunted. "Guys are gonna ask which chick did this and want details. I need to cover this up." He said as he rubbed at his neck as if the simple notion would erase the vicious bruises from his flesh.

Eddward struggled not to crack a smile while he gave his sarcastic response. "Make-up is a wonderful thing, Kevin."

Kevin's jaw hit the ground before he tensed up again. "I am not wearing make-up." He said sternly as he strode back into the bathroom to look in the mirror.

Eddward got to his feet and crossed the hall. Kevin was looking into his mirror while gently prodding the darker mark with his fingers. Eddward sniggered and Kevin shot him a menacing look.

"So not funny, dude. I've never let anyone leave a hickey on me before." Kevin said seriously before turning back to his reflection. "I think I heard some guy on the team say he used a cold spoon before."

"You could always try the truth," Eddward added as an afterthought but turned his eyes down so he wouldn't meet Kevin's gaze.

The words had escaped his lips before he thought it through. What was he thinking? He was the one who had insisted on the whole "no labels" thing. It was his idea to keep their relationship private. He got an ounce of self-esteem when he was in control of Kevin's pleasure and now he was demanding Kevin tumble out of the closet. Eddward hung his head in shame. Just earlier he was fighting with himself to leave Kevin and now this?

Eddward felt a strong hand lift his chin and then his icy blue eyes were penetrated by a deep gorgeous green. Kevin's gaze held so much unshed emotion. Eddward felt a tremble take hold of his knees. Kevin's mouth opened and the words that came out were not exactly what Eddward had expected them to be.

"Edd… I can't."

…

…

…

Eddward was dumbfounded. He was sure, "is that really what you want?" or "do you want me to?" was going to fall off the swollen lips of his significant other.

Can't.

That word would forever haunt him. It was a favorite of his parents. Every time they promised to be home for his birthday or Christmas he received a phone call.

Can't. Can't. Can't.

More like "won't" which is what they should say. In all honesty, if they truly wanted to they could. They were the only ones stopping themselves. Now Kevin was falling victim to the same category he placed his parents in.

Eddward felt a range of emotions and feelings begin to eat away at his soul. The place where he locked Double Dee in a long time ago began to stir with forgotten feelings he threw in there with the weak dork.

Forgotten. Abandoned. Ashamed.

Eddward mentally slapped himself for opening that door for Kevin. Of course, it would shut in his face. He felt something keen to fury radiate deep within his core. A red, hot anger that demanded its release as it bubbled in his veins and rippled beneath the surface of his skin.

He felt Kevin put his hands on his shoulders and shake him. Instinctively, Eddward put his hands up and pushed him away. Kevin, who was clearly not anticipating the sudden force, stumbled back.

Why was Eddward never a first priority? No, he didn't want to be labeled, but he was sick of feeling like he didn't matter. Kevin had shown him love. He'd shown him emotions and feelings he never thought he'd experience with someone. Kevin broke down walls to be by his side and although Eddward preferred solitude, he couldn't deny that Kevin had a hold on him.

Eddward felt a sharp pain pierce straight through his heart. He waited for the heartache to follow, but it never came. Instead he felt a numbing sensation wash over him. He'd been waiting for this moment since before Kevin asked him out. He didn't know if he'd be prepared for it. The pain of knowing he wasn't meant to be in a relationship weighed heavily on him.

What was this feeling? He no longer felt hurt.

"Eddward."

Eddward's eyes finally focused on Kevin's. The jock looked uneasy. Sweat was beading along his brows which were furrowed. He swallowed nervously as he waited for Edd to acknowledge him.

Eddward let a light smile grace his lips as his mind finally grasped what he was feeling.

Acceptance.

Eddward's mind started to calculate a response.

"If that is your choice I accept it," Eddward stated calmly.

Kevin's eyebrows shot up, he clearly wasn't expecting Edd to say that of all things. Kevin grabbed Edd's shoulders and stared into his eyes. He was searching for a falter, some sign that Eddward was lying. But there was nothing for Eddward to hide. For once there wasn't a lie to be told.

Kevin loved him but was afraid to be public about their relationship in the same respect Eddward loved Kevin, but he would never let him in fully.

Once you accept your fate, life can't torment you anymore. They were at a standstill that only Eddward understood.

"Kevin, please release me," Eddward said solemnly and Kevin let go of him slowly.

"Edd, you sure you're okay?" Kevin asked.

Eddward crossed his arms defensively. "Yes, Kevin."

"Look, it's not that I don't want to its just-" Kevin tried to say, but Eddward cut him off.

"I don't require you to explain yourself." Eddward insisted.

"I don't want you to think... just listen to what I have to say." Kevin pleaded desperately trying to form a coherent sentence.

Eddward sighed. "Kevin. You have your reasons for why you wish to remain a secret. I have my reasons for why I'm okay without explanations. Please respect my wishes. I do not want to engage in this matter any further."

He'd heard excuses coated in apologies and reasons his whole life. He was used to this by now. It was natural to him.

He turned and made his way back to the bedroom, but Kevin didn't follow. A few moments later Kevin came in holding a razor. Kevin's shoulders slumped as he stared intently at the object. He gently placed it on the dresser and then walked closer to Eddward.

"Edd. We still need to talk." Kevin said in a low tone. "I didn't just forget about what I saw."

"You didn't 'see' anything. There's nothing left to say on the matter," Eddward answered.

Kevin kneeled before Eddward who was now sitting on the bed.

"But you were going to do it, weren't you?" Kevin asked in a defeatist tone.

Eddward swallowed nervously. "Yes, I tried. But I couldn't bring myself to initiate the act."

"If I'd gotten here any later would you have?" Kevin asked and grabbed his hands. "You promised me."

Eddward felt the urge to roll his eyes, but he withheld from doing so. Kevin would never understand and that wasn't his fault. He just didn't see life the way Eddward did. A few days ago Eddward wished Kevin could, but now, looking at him and seeing how broken he was… honestly; he prayed the day would never come when Kevin saw the world through his eyes.

Eddward once saw the world in an array of colors where possibilities and options were endless. Anything could happen and nothing was off limits. It takes a traumatic event to change someone's view of the world. Eddward no longer saw colors; he'd been reduced to a grayscale of black and white. Eddward had long since made peace with the darkness that plagued his soul. He was certain Kevin would never accept that.

"The promise I made you still remains." Eddward absently answered.

But that didn't seem to be good enough for Kevin. His grip on Eddward's hands tightened. "Why are you doing this? I'm here. I've been here the last few months and I've tried so hard to help you."

"I never wanted you to get this close," Eddward admitted sheepishly and his eyes fell to the floor. "I-"

Edd lost his train of thought as Kevin dropped his hands, stood, and wrapped his arms around him. Eddward was pulled into Kevin's chest as he rose off the bed and he didn't try to fight it. He owed Kevin some type of closure. After all, he was fighting with himself an hour or so ago to leave the jock.

Kevin rested his chin on top of Edd's head.

"I can't lose you," Kevin mumbled.

Eddward toyed with a mixture of jumbled up words in his head trying to find the right combination to string into a plausible response. But the words never came to him. Instead he wrapped his hands around Kevin's torso and embraced the hug. Eddward felt Kevin begin to pull away and he looked up to meet his eyes.

"What stopped you?" Kevin asked desperately as his eyes lingered back to the razor on the dresser.

Edd swallowed nervously. Kevin needed to stop.

_I love you._

He couldn't say that phrase again. He wouldn't fall victim to it. Not again. Those eight letters, those three words had stopped him from breaking things off with Kevin. The love they shared was mutual, but it was dangerous to mess with. Kevin was plagued by his love for Eddward, Eddward was sure of it. He made it perfectly clear. The more time they spent together, the worse it would become.

What happened if the day should come where Eddward truly couldn't keep his promise anymore? Would Kevin be swallowed up by the darkness Eddward carried within his body? Would he blame himself for Eddward's actions? Physically, Eddward was sure Kevin could take on nearly anything, but mentally… Kevin wouldn't survive. Eddward almost didn't.

"You," Eddward answered honestly. "I didn't do it because of you."

Eddward felt Kevin relax slightly in his arms.

"I want you to make me a new promise." Kevin started and didn't give Eddward a chance to object. "Whenever you feel the urge to cut or pick up a razor call me."

"And if you don't answer?" he asked.

"I will, I promise."

Eddward felt something malicious take over his body as a smile twisted itself onto his lips. Somewhere deep inside his nerves were overcome with joy as the guilt he'd been harboring faded away. Eddward had been graced with what he'd been looking for since he made his first promise to Kevin.

A loophole.

* * *

Autumn soon faded and the first snow of the season fell during the early weeks of December. Life went on for Eddward and Kevin, but something had changed between them. Eddward was fully aware of the change and if Kevin knew, he never said anything about it. But Eddward was almost certain Kevin felt it as well.

Ever since that evening together "I love you," had yet to be repeated again. It was always there, lingering in the back of Eddward's mind, but he would not let love take control of him. If he continued to admit his love for Kevin then he would forever be stuck in limbo between the jock and his desperation to carve his body. Until he found a way to achieve both he would just keep his feelings to himself.

Kevin had started changing and Eddward never mentioned it, but he was always aware. Whenever Kevin came over his hoodie always carried the stale aroma of cigarette smoke and his mouth always tasted like mouthwash with the aftertaste of an ashtray. Eddward was quite perceptive of the redhead's newfound habit, but he failed to ever bring it up. Would there even be a point? Eddward briefly wondered if he could use Kevin's smoking as an excuse to self-harm, but that notion was quickly dismissed. Kevin had already given him his loophole, he just didn't know when it would come into play and if the timing would be right.

He felt horrible in a way. It wasn't right to look for a fault in Kevin's promise, but the darker side of him demanded the loophole be used when the time was right. There would come a day when Kevin would fail to answer Eddward's calls.

With midterms coming up and then winter break, Eddward had started focusing more on homework and studying. For once when Kevin asked to come over Eddward was able to turn him down honestly. And that's when the distance and fighting started. Every phone call was tense.

It was late in the evening on a school night. Eddward had just finished preparing his last study guide. Everything was organized and placed out neatly. He was just about to open his textbook when Kevin's ringtone echoed throughout his room.

Eddward rubbed his temple before answering the phone.

"Yes, Kevin?" he asked slightly irritated.

Kevin huffed on the other end, "Well, hi to you too."

Eddward rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers which weren't cradling the phone. "Hello, Kevin."

"Damn, what's wrong with you?" Kevin asked with annoyance seeping through his tone.

Eddward made an irritated sigh, "I was preparing to study."

"What? You're not seriously doing homework right now? You said you were doing it a few hours ago." Kevin exclaimed.

"I'm studying Kevin. It takes time." Eddward said without hiding the frustration in his voice.

"Yeah. Yeah. And you'll still get an 'A' either way. Look, can I come over for a little while?"

"No, you may not. The timing is inconvenient. You always manage to stay the night and I have too much I must accomplish before I retire for the night."

"Sorry, didn't realize wanting to spend time with you was such an _inconvenience_." Kevin reiterated bitterly.

Eddward sighed heavily. "You're incorrectly interpreting what I'm saying."

"Ah, so what, I'm stupid now because I don't get what you mean." Kevin said bitterly.

Eddward was growing more irate by the millisecond. "Kevin, I don't have the patience for whatever this is."

"Yeah, makes two of us." Kevin said and ended the call.

Eddward could almost smell the nicotine through the speaker on his phone. Their conversation left a foul atmosphere inside Eddward's bedroom and he found himself struggling to focus. For once Eddward wasn't making excuses. He was being honest and yet, that still wasn't good enough. Kevin had become so accustomed to barging into his life that now it was considered a social norm. Wasn't Eddward allowed some space? He wasn't asking for a lot. He truly wished to study, but now his focus was messed up.

He crossed his room to the bed and collapsed gracelessly

_Maybe if I rest my eyes for a few moments…_

His last thoughts before he drifted into a light sleep which couldn't have lasted for more than thirty minutes. He was ripped back into reality by his phone ringing.

_Damn it, Kevin!_

All he wanted was a tiny bit of solitude, just a smidge. In Eddward's enraged state he failed to notice that it wasn't Kevin's ringtone that was playing, it was one he hadn't heard in a very long time.

Eddward hastily answered the phone with an offended, "yes?"

"Eddward," a distressed voice managed to choke out in a broken sob.

Eddward bolted upright. This wasn't right. The owner of this voice never sounded like this, not in all the years they had known each other.

"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously with worry edging his tone.

He was answered with labored breathing followed shortly by, "I-I need you." the voice managed to say through another sob. "I'm sorry, but I didn't know who else to call."

Eddward's heart felt heavy upon hearing those words. She felt sorry. All the times he had called her in the middle of the night and she never once thought he was a burden. Surely she didn't think he thought of her like that. Eddward owed his life to her. She had saved him.

"Marie, where are you?" he asked impatiently.

"The park." She admitted sheepishly.

"I'm coming," he said as he dropped his phone.

He sprang out of bed with a new found vigor and quickly laced up his running shoes as he rounded out of his room and down the hall. He almost tumbled down the stairs, but quickly regained his momentum.

Eddward ran as if his life depended upon how fast he could reach her. In all his track meets he never ran with such a drive. When running he never gave himself a destination. It was always a means of escaping his problems until they caught up with him. They were always right behind him, looming over his shoulder, waiting for him to trip. But this time was different. This time someone needed him to not look back and keep moving forward.

* * *

**Thirty minutes earlier…**

Across the street Kevin gripped his phone angrily and flopped onto Nazz's bed while she paid his melodramatic meltdown no attention. She was busy typing out a lab report as Kevin sighed heavily. She rolled her eyes and continued to type. Her back was towards him and she only had a few sentences left. Kevin sighed again, clearly trying to gain her attention. Nazz swiveled around in her computer chair.

"Seriously dude?" she asked impatiently. "I have to finish this and then I need to study for bio. You should try studying too if you don't wanna be kicked off the team."

Kevin grunted as he sat up and began fishing around in his pocket until he grabbed a cigarette out of the almost empty carton and placed it between his lips. Before he had a chance to light it Nazz squashed it between her fingers.

"What the fuck Nazz?" Kevin swore aggressively as Nazz tossed the crumpled tobacco stick in the trash.

"You wanna destroy your lungs, be my guest, but not in my room Kev." Nazz lectured.

"Whatever," he mumbled as he got up and left the room.

Kevin exited the house and sat down on Nazz's front porch and glared angrily across the Cul-de-sac at Eddward's house. He lit a cigarette and perched it between his lips. He took a long drag and held it for a few moments before he exhaled the smoke into the cool air. He never imagined himself as a smoker. He knew he shouldn't but it was the only thing that calmed him down after he and Eddward had a disagreement.

Kevin felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked up towards Nazz as she sat down beside him. Kevin averted his eyes and continued his long heartbroken stare at Eddward's house. He took another deep inhale off the cigarette and Nazz wrinkled her nose beside him.

"I really wish you wouldn't smoke." She confessed as she laid her head on his shoulder.

Kevin shrugged his shoulders and he felt Nazz readjust her head against him.

"I'm worried about Edd." Kevin said and then looked towards Nazz, "he's different now."

Nazz scrunched her eyebrows, "different how?" She asked.

Kevin held the cigarette between his lips and thrust his hands deep into his pockets as he talked around the small obstruction. "Something's changed about him. I can't say what, but it's like he gave up. I dunno. It sounds dumb sayin it out loud."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

Kevin let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Yeah, talk to him. You heard us on the phone. There is no talking anymore. Just turns to fighting."

"You started smoking because of him, didn't you?" Nazz blatantly asked. "Seems like you always light one whenever you talk to him."

Leave it to Nazz not to be subtle when she wanted to get to the bottom of something. Kevin didn't want to answer. He looked back to her and noticed how she chewed on her bottom lip. There was more.

"What?" Kevin simply asked.

Nazz quickly shook her head and averted his gaze. "It's nothing." She mumbled.

Kevin nudged her until she finally looked up at him. "Just say whatever it is you're thinkin'."

"It's just… he's not the only one who's changed Kev. You have too. I-" Nazz paused as she stared at the ground.

Kevin let the almost burnt out cigarette fall from his lips onto the concrete. He picked up his shoe and stomped on it.

"Look I get it Nazz. You think I don't hear the whispers in the halls or notice how the team suddenly stops talkin when they see me. I don't even party anymore. I used to host most of the parties and now I barely make an appearance. I drink every chance I get and I buy a pack of cigarettes every time I pass a corner store. I have to mentally prepare myself every time I see Edd just in case I find him-" Kevin stopped before he admitted it to himself. He balled his hands into fists inside his hoodie. "It's just that Edd needs me… I need to be there in case-" Kevin stopped unexpectedly.

Nazz reached into Kevin's pocket and squeezed his hand. "Eddy told me." She confessed.

Kevin was slightly relieved, but at the same time upset at this sudden knowledge. He always kept Eddward's secret to himself. Sure, there'd been countless times where he wanted to vent to Nazz or ask her opinion, but he never did. He didn't have a right to. But Eddy and Eddward had been friends for longer than Kevin could remember.

"You guys talkin' again?" Kevin asked nonchalantly; glad to have the conversation taken away from his personal life.

Nazz shrugged as she continued to lean against Kevin. "I guess. I tried ignoring his calls. I finally gave in and answered the other day and he told me about Edd lying to him. I've never seen him get like that though. It scared me. I know Eddy's sunk low in the past, but the way he was going to tell everyone about Edd was just wrong. I don't want to be with someone like that. Besides, our relationship only exists in the cul-de-sac."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but forgive him." It felt weird for Kevin to hear those words leave his lips. Never in his wildest dreams did he think he would ever stand up for Eddy.

"I've seen firsthand what Edd is capable of doing to himself," Kevin shuddered as images of Eddward rolled through his mind: their first night together, scratching his knuckles until they bled, what he could have found in the bathroom.

"And I see what it's doing to you. Kev, please don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes love isn't enough to save someone." Nazz stated sincerely and Kevin pivoted his head to her so fast that a pain shot through his neck.

"I never said anything about love!" He yelled defensively.

Nazz giggled, but it was a sad one, the one you do when you're trying to make someone feel better, but you know you're not the one who they want beside them. "You didn't have too, it's written all over your face."

Kevin relaxed slightly. This was Nazz after all if there was one person who he could always be himself around and not feel ashamed for it, it was her. He chuckled lightly, "that obvious, huh?" he asked.

Nazz gave him a half-hearted smile. "Kev, I know you. You put your all into everything, including relationships. But… this might be something bigger than you or Eddy can fix."

"I can't just give up on him Nazz. He already feels like his parents did. Eddy too for that matter. I can't let him think I'm the same way." Kevin confessed and he felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes.

"It's not giving up. Maybe Edd needs real help and then you guys can try again. I honestly don't want to see either of you hurt and that's all this is doing to you."

How could she seriously suggest that? She hadn't been there. She hadn't seen the after effect Kevin had on Edd. The way he could calm him down and make him open up. Yes, right now they were hitting a rough patch, but that happened in all relationships.

"Relationships shouldn't be this hard Kevin." Nazz said and Kevin could tell she was speaking for the both of them.

Kevin huffed into the night air as Nazz squeezed his hand. "Come on, let's go back in. I still need to finish my report and then we can watch a movie or something."

Kevin stood and started to walk inside with Nazz trailing closely behind him. As she went to shut her door she heard a door slam from across the street. She turned her head just in time to see a figure dashing out of Eddward's house and off into the night at an alarming speed.

"Hey Kev?" she asked as the figure disappeared into the night.

"Yeah?" He asked as he turned to look at her.

"Why did Edd say you couldn't go over?" she asked as she stared off into the night.

Kevin moved to stand beside her and tried to see what she was looking at.

"Said he was studying. Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"I… I think he just ran down the street."

Kevin pushed her aside as he stepped back out onto the front porch. It was too dark to see anything past the entrance of the Cul-de-sac. He looked up towards Eddward's house and noticed that his bedroom light was still on. He swallowed nervously and took out his phone. He dialed Eddward's number and brought the phone to his ear.

He called multiple times, but every call resulted in the same way.

No answer.


	17. Always There

Sometimes you don't realize how much someone means to you until it's too late. The moments you once took for granted become a lifeline that you'll cling to. You try to convince yourself that everything will be okay. You relive those fond moments over and over until they become akin to your favorite played out childhood movie.

But the sad thing about that childhood movie is that eventually you don't even remember it was your favorite. Years pass and you won't even think of it. Eddward didn't want Marie to become that type of memory. She was worth more than that.

Marie was a Kanker. She was wild and reckless. She was a ruthless free spirit. But most important of all, she was there. She was always there. In the dead of the night after a nightmare. At quarter past five after a terrible track meet. At six in the morning when he couldn't find the strength to go to school. After every mind numbing panic attack she was the one constant reminder of hope in his life.

Except for the last few months, but not for lack of trying, but because of Kevin. Eddward had Kevin and Marie was left with nothing. No phone call, no passing glance. Not even a goodbye. Eddward was a terrible friend.

His shins ached as his feet pounded against the cold concrete. In his rush to leave the house, he grabbed the wrong shoes. Converses aren't the best running shoes. He was going to hate himself tomorrow, but for now, he had to push on. With every passing moment, he was closer to getting to her. The icy wind pinched his eyes. He rubbed his nose with his sleeve. It was freezing out, maybe even cold enough to snow.

Eddward rounded the corner, the park was in sight. He dashed through the entrance and surveyed his surroundings as he skidded to a halt. His eyes fell upon a slender figure hunched over on a slow swaying swing. His feet began to move on their own accord as he approached the swing. He felt the weight of the world settle upon his shoulders until it became too much. He fell to his knees before her. All the worry and fear started seeping through to his eyes causing them to water.

He placed his hands on hers. She was freezing. She was only wearing leggings and a thin zip-up hoodie.

"Marie," the name practically fell off his lips in a breathless whisper.

Her hands tightened beneath his and he saw a tremble run through her body. Breath escaped her lips in a tiny puff of fog.

Eddward held her hands firmly as he looked up at her. The hood of her sweater was up and he couldn't make out her face in the darkness. She sniffled and he knew she was trying not to cry.

"Hi, Edd." She said in a soft voice, nothing like the brute tone she usually possessed.

"Marie, what happened?" He asked.

She was silent for a moment until she found her voice. "I'm so stupid."

Eddward's heart ached at her confession. He lifted his hand off of hers and went to touch her face, but she flinched away. He quickly withdrew his hand and placed it back over hers. A tiny jolt of pain pricked at his heart.

All the emotions he'd been feeling since he ran to the park were suddenly lashing out at him. He felt a stray tear fall freely from his eye. It rolled down his cheek and fell to the ground. Marie must have seen the tear fall in the moonlight. She removed one of her hands from under Edd's and cupped his cheek, smearing the saline trail in the process.

She tilted her head slightly and Edd swore he saw a small smirk grace her chapped lips.

"I'm sorry Edd. I know you'd never hurt me."

"Marie, please tell me what happened?" Eddward begged.

Her hand stiffened against his face and fell.

"I'm s-sorry Edd. I-I didn't know what to do." She sobbed as she brought her hands to the sides of the hood.

She pulled it back slowly, but her face remained firmly downcast. Edd stared at her hair which fell around her face like a cerulean curtain, blocking out her features. He raised his hand to her chin and slowly tipped her head back. Her hair parted as her face became visible in the pale moonlight. Eddward gasped.

Her right eye was swollen and bruised. But it wasn't a new bruise. This was the later stages of a yellowish bruise that was healing. Now that he could get a better view he could tell that her lips were more than chapped, they were cracked with trails of fresh drying blood. A deep burning rage rifled through Eddward's veins. It fueled a deep rooted hatred within his core. He looked at Marie and saw nothing, but red. The hand on Marie's chin remained gentle, while the one on her lap balled up into a tight white knuckled fist.

"Who?" He asked through clenched teeth.

He needed an answer.

No. He needed a name.

Marie swallowed. "Edd, I can expl-"

No excuses.

"Who did this?!" He yelled.

Marie jumped at his accusing tone. Like she was afraid of the verbal whiplash. Or maybe a fist that would follow his harsh words. But Eddward would never touch her. He would never hit Marie.

But someone did… someone had touched her.

Eddward rose to his feet, but Marie remained in the same spot, afraid to move. His hands clenched around the chains of the swing. He lowered his head in defeat as he leveled his words. Yelling at her wasn't going to solve anything. Yelling never resulted in a decent outcome.

"Please, Marie. There are very few things out of my control. Don't make this one of them."

Marie stood suddenly and collapsed against Edd. He let go of the swing and quickly wrapped his arms around her, trying to steady her. She sobbed quietly into his chest and all he could do was hold her.

A thought struck him like lightning in the dead of night. Followed by thunder that wakes you from a sound slumber and shatters your train of thought. Is this how Kevin felt? Eddward had never been on the receiving end while consoling someone. He felt helpless. There was virtually nothing he could do to make her feel better. All he could do was patiently wait for her to muster up the courage to speak. Until then he had to be the strength she needed.

A cold wind picked up and Marie shivered against him.

"Did you drive here?"

She nodded her head in response. Edd reached down and cupped her hand in his own.

"Come on. Let's go."

She panicked. "Edd, I can't go back to the trailer park."

It took all of his might not to force her to go there. Whoever hit her was there. And he knew it wasn't one of her sisters. She could hold her own against them.

"We'll go back to my house." He said and squeezed her hand reassuringly.

She reached into her pocket with her free hand and gave him the keys. They retreated in silence to her car. The clock on the radio read a little past nine. He doubted he'd be attending school in the morning. There was no way he could leave her like this.

"I'm sorry."

Eddward craned his head slightly to look at her but then refocused his attention on the road.

"What on Earth are you apologizing for?"

"I haven't talked to you in months and now that I have it's because of this." She answered.

Eddward didn't think he could sink any lower. He was the one who'd used her for comfort in the past and then abandoned her. He was the one who owed her an apology, not the other way around. Oh, the irony. He couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped his lips. Marie's head snapped in his direction.

"You think this is funny?" She screeched.

Eddward reached over and grabbed her hand reassuringly.

"Of course not, but this conversation is backwards. I'm usually the one who calls you late at night."

Marie readjusted her hood over her hair and turned to look out the window. "Yeah." She said as she laced her fingers with his.

The car rolled into Eddward's driveway and came to a stop. Reluctantly, Edd pulled his hand out of her grasp. She was scrunched up in the passenger seat. She looked small and helpless. He sighed as he exited the car and rounded to the other side to open her door. He reached out to grab her hand and pulled her to her feet. They quickly entered his house and he ushered her upstairs and into his room. She hesitated by the door frame before entering, like she was out of place.

"You may shower if you'd like. I'll get you some clothes." Eddward said as he began searching through his dresser.

When he turned around she was looking at the various papers and textbooks strewn out on his desk.

"You have tests tomorrow don't you." She said as more of a statement than a question.

Eddward shrugged, he didn't care about school right now. "That doesn't matter right now."

She looked up and Eddward became trapped in her gaze. With the light of his bedroom illuminating her face he could finally see the full extent of the damage. Her eyes were puffy with hues of yellow and undertones of purple settling in around her right eye. Her nose also seemed inflamed on the corresponding side. Her lips were more than chapped. Her bottom lip was cracked and she sucked it into her mouth as she tried to stop the bleeding. That was a fresh hit.

Eddward's stomach did an uneasy flip as a wave of nausea overtook him. He dropped the clothes for her on his bed and hastily strode to her side. He lifted his hands up to cup her face and tilted her face up to his.

"When you're ready I need to know what happened." He said as he rested his forehead against hers.

Marie gave a small smile in response as he pulled away. She grabbed the clothes from the bed and then retreated towards the door. As she went to leave she gave him one last glance over her shoulder. He heard the bathroom door close followed by the spray of the shower moments later. Eddward changed into one of his fitted t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants. He sat on his bed and grabbed his phone off the dresser. He swore under his breath as he saw his missed calls.

Eight missed calls.

Three voicemails.

A dozen or so texts.

All of them originating from Kevin Barr.

Eddward put his phone on silent and placed it back on his dresser. He cradled his head in his palms as he hunched over the bed. Not only was he the worst friend in existence, but coincidentally he held the title of the worst boyfriend as well.

He had no outlet for relief anymore. Thinking about cutting meant calling Kevin. Calling Kevin would stress him out even more. He wanted to pound his hands into the particular individual who decided Marie was a punching bag. But that wasn't plausible at the current moment. He required an outlet for all his pent up emotions and there seemed to be none in sight. People can only take so much, some more than others. Edd was at the tipping point. He could feel it peaking in the horizon of his desolate existence.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his phone light up again with a new message from Kevin. He flipped the phone over and collapsed back onto his bed. He rested his arm over his eyes and sighed heavily.

He felt the seams of his rationality starting to give way. Overwhelmed was an understatement. Eddward was choking as the water engulfed him.

"You okay?" He heard Marie say.

Internally, he smiled at that.

"I should be the one asking you that." He responded.

He heard the flick of the light switch. Eddward removed his arm from his face. The only light illuminating the room came from the moon outside. He felt Marie's body weight settle beside him on the bed. He extended his arm out to her in an invitation which she graciously accepted. She pressed her body against him and rested her head on his shoulder. He could feel her physically relax against his body.

Marie had a calming effect on him. Ever since she found him multiple years ago bloodied, beaten and on the verge of death. She was able to comfort him then and now here she was all busted up and still trying her best to make him feel better. It made him physically sick.

"How've you been? I was worried about you." She asked in a small voice.

Eddward felt his eyebrow raise out of habit. "Just wonderful." He answered sarcastically. He couldn't help it.

She hit his chest lightly. "Edd, seriously. I haven't heard from you in months."

Eddward let out an angry sigh. "I'm sorry Marie, but it's relatively hard to provide you with an answer when I need to know who fucking hit you." He snapped and regretted his words the minute they left his mouth.

Eddward rarely swore. Sure, in his head he would cuss someone out. But to hear the words leap off his lips was another situation entirely. He was disgusted with himself. He didn't want to make accusations and yell at her. The truth was he felt completely worthless. He was the one who stopped calling. He was the one who wasn't there. If he'd stayed in contact with her then maybe this never would've happened. In a way, he felt responsible.

He took a deep breath. "Please excuse my foul language. I've been better. Some days are better than others. Some are bearable. And on the other days I struggle with… well, you already know what I'm capable of doing."

He felt her fingers delicately crawl down to his wrists. Her touch was light against his skin as she traced her fingers from side to side.

"You haven't?" She asked with relief fully evident in her tone.

Edd shook his head, even though she couldn't see it. "Not for a while. On certain occasions, I've contemplated it. I almost slipped around Thanksgiving… actually, I did if we're being technical." He reached for her hand. "I beat the punching bag in the cellar until my knuckles bled and then I picked at the scabs with a razor… and then I blacked out and scratched at them until they bled even more." He paused. "I tried calling you. I wanted to. But at that point, I'd already ignored you for so long. I didn't feel worthy of your help. So I dealt with it myself."

"Edd!" she yelled as she pushed up on her arms to look at him. "Why would you let it go that far? I told you I'd be here. I never left."

"But I did, Marie. I'm not a real friend. Truthfully when have I ever been there for you? Can you think of a time because I'm having trouble recalling a single one." Eddward explained.

The weight of her body must have been too much because Marie collapsed on top of Eddward. The room dipped into an uneasy silence until Marie's quiet sobs reached Eddward's ears. He reached out and stroked her back which caused her to cry harder until her tears soaked through his shirt. He didn't know how to comfort her. How could he when he was the one who caused her this emotional turmoil. Was he any better than the person who put a hand on her?

Eddward could feel the tears welling up in his own eyes and he blinked rapidly to rid himself of them. He needed to be the strong one right now.

"I met a guy." She said in a tone barely above a whisper.

A twinge of guilt embedded itself in his heart. He wasn't there so she replaced him. But he didn't say a word in fear that she would stop talking.

"He seemed perfect. He said all the right things. He was always there."

Eddward continued stroking her back, but he was sure she felt the trepidation in his touch.

"And that's where the problem was. He always wanted to know where I was. Who I was with. What I was doing. He would show up in the middle of the night to make sure I was home. It was comforting at first, but then… then it became too much." She paused before continuing. "I saw you running one day. It was after Thanksgiving. I pointed you out and he got mad. He said I was too excited about seeing some guy I knew. It all happened so fast Edd… I didn't even see it coming. I was in shock. He just kept punching me and I tried to block him. I begged him to stop. And it-it just made him angrier. I told Lee and May that I got into a fight with some chick at the bar."

He stopped rubbing her back and just held on to her tightly.

"Earlier tonight we were watching a movie. I got up to get us some snacks and when I came back he had my phone. He found your name and he started yelling. I didn't realize he hit me until I was on the ground. I left as fast as I could. I didn't know where else to go. He's probably at the trailer park right now."

Eddward swallowed the lump that had been caught in his throat the entire time she was talking. He squeezed her lightly to let her know he was still listening.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." He said.

"I'm sorry too. I know how hard it's been for you in past. You shouldn't have had to suffer alone. I know its hard to resist the temptation." She said.

She was trying to change the subject. Eddward felt a small smile crawl onto his face. Marie could go through hell and back and still want to make sure that he was okay. He envied how strong her heart was.

"I wasn't alone. Truly, I wished to be alone, but I had someone. I'm just not ready to let him completely in yet." He admitted.

He felt Marie tense up. "He?" she asked as if she had misheard him.

"Yeah. I'm sort of dating Kevin." He confessed.

Marie snorted and Eddward felt his eyebrows hit the top of his beanie.

"I knew you two would end up together."

"Oh did you?" Eddward asked.

"Yup, I remember the looks you used to give him. Not to mention you blushed every time he was near you. I'm happy for you, honestly. I'm glad you haven't been as alone as I thought you were. Did you tell him?" She asked as she prodded his wrist.

"Not exactly. He found out by accident and since then he's been a constant pain, its actually quite infuriating, if not admirable in a way. He's infatuated with fixing me rather than accepting me." Eddward sighed; it felt awkward saying how he felt, yet also relieving.

Marie was still partially lying on top of him and readjusted her head as she stared at him. "Wanna run that by me again with some more details."

"He wants to be here all the time. If I don't answer my phone he assumes the worst. If I act differently at school he gets defensive. If I want to be alone I get a lecture. If I don't allow him to spend the night I'm apparently pushing him away. Marie, there have been times when I've called you after the damage had been done and you never reprimanded me. Kevin caught me when I scratched my knuckles until they bled. He's seen me have panic attacks and completely break down and shut the world out. You'll listen to me while he just tries to fix me. I'm fucked up and I accept it. I know cutting isn't the answer, but it's a choice I've made and I can live with it. He'll never understand."

Marie took a moment to soak everything in before she spoke. "Have you tried explaining this to him?"

"Yes, I showed him where I was stabbed. I was desperate for him to understand, to acknowledge that I physically need to have control over the pain done to my body. I'm fighting a losing battle here, Marie. Eventually, I may not survive this."

The last sentence left Eddward's mouth before he had a chance to fully process his words. Of course he'd thought about it. It had been there in the past. At the back of his mind all the countless times he took a blade to his flesh.

Suicide was the ultimate form of self-control.

He could control when he left and how much pain he felt in the process. Ever since he almost died at the hands of Jensen and his friends he promised himself that he would never fall victim to those kinds of circumstances again. Death was the ultimate escape, but he wasn't that desperate yet.

"Edd…"

"I won't kill myself, Marie. I didn't register what I was saying before I spoke. I'm just at the end of my rope over here." He admitted.

"When was the last time you spoke to him?"

"Earlier tonight. He wanted to come over, but I told him I would be studying for the remainder of the night. He's called multiple times. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't just shown up yet." Eddward admitted guiltily.

"You should call him. Don't let him go to bed worrying." Marie said as she got off the bed. "It's late anyway. I'm going to sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

Edd watched her leave. He listened to her soft footsteps down the hall until he heard the guest bedroom door open and then close. He rubbed at his eyes until vibrant pigments of the color spectrum flashed across his tired eyelids. He sat up and went to grab his phone. His hand hovered centimeters above the device, but he couldn't pick it up.

He shook his head as he stood up and made his way to the bathroom. The steam was still wafting in the air from Marie's shower. He saw that she had thrown her clothes in a pile on the floor. He grabbed them and went to put them into his hamper when he heard something fall to the floor.

He looked down, intrigued to see her phone staring back up at him with multiple new messages flashing on the screen. Eddward didn't believe in violating someone else's privacy, but this was different. It was personal. All the messages were from the same name.

Tom with a heart emoji.

'baby im sorry please come back we can talk about this'

'please babe'

'im sorry it wont happen again'

'im outside but I don't see ur car'

'where the fuck r u marie this isnt funny'

'where r u ?'

'?'

Eddward felt his blood simmering beneath the surface. This piece of shit had the nerve to try to contact her after everything he had done. Tom with a little heart after his name was a dead man who didn't even know it yet.

Eddward went to her contacts and began scrolling down the alphabetical list. He paused momentarily over his name; it too had a heart after it as well. Perhaps that was why Tom was outraged when he took Marie's phone. He continued down until he found the name and clicked on it. He smiled to himself; Marie was so thoughtful. She provided a picture for this despicable creature.

He stared long and hard at the picture. This kid went to Peach Creek High. He was wearing the school's baseball jersey. Eddward placed Marie's phone on the bathroom sink.

He gripped the porcelain as he steadied himself. He needed to control this rage. There was an anger festering deep within him. It was wild and unsettling as it tore through him destroying his rationality like a tornado. Marie's keys were in his pocket. He could go find this guy right now and make him pay for what he had done. Eddward might not have had a handle on his life at that given moment, but he could do something to make Marie's a little better.

He heard soft cries coming from down the hall and his anger took a back seat for a moment. She needed him here, fully here.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He exited the bathroom and made his way to the guest bedroom. He knocked lightly on the door and waited for Marie to say something. When he heard nothing he opened the door slowly and peered in. She was huddled under the blankets in a ball in the middle of the bed. Silently Eddward crossed the room and climbed into bed with her. He wrapped an arm around her and she laced her fingers with his and squeezed.

"I'll leave when you fall asleep." He whispered softly.

She sniffled. "No. Please stay."

His heart ached for her, so he obeyed.

* * *

Across the street, at Nazz's house, Kevin was pacing back and forth. Sure he and Edd were going through a rough patch right now, but all couples did at some point. Edd was studying. He just had to keep reassuring himself of that. But why wasn't he answering his phone? Why weren't the lights in his room on? Did Nazz really see him take off running down the street? And who the fuck was now parked in his driveway?

"Ugh! I can't take this anymore. I'm going over there." Kevin exhaled angrily.

"Chill dude, you can't just go breaking down his door every time he doesn't answer the phone," Nazz said trying to calm him, but she was failing terribly.

"I'm not going to kick his door in. I have a key." Kevin stated.

"Edd, gave you a key to his house? That's pretty serious." Nazz asked surprised.

Kevin let out an uneasy chuckle, "Well, not exactly. Big Ed gave it to me the night Eddy went crazy. He doesn't exactly know I have it." Kevin admitted sheepishly.

Nazz whacked him lightly across the chest. "Kevin! That's so not cool." She must have seen the distress written all over his face. "Look, maybe he just fell asleep. Stop jumping to conclusions."

"I can't help it Nazz. He wouldn't let me go over. You said you saw him run down the street-"

"Maybe it wasn't him." She said trying to reassure him.

"I just wanna know who's parked in the driveway. I swear, I stop looking out the fucking window for two seconds and now someone's over there. It's too dark to see what kind of car it is. Maybe I'll just-"

"Stop, Kevin. Just wait until morning. Talk to him at school before your history class starts."

Kevin grunted. "Fine. Can I crash here tonight? My dad already thought I was sleeping out anyway."

"Sure Kev. Come on, let's watch a movie or something."

In the morning Kevin and Nazz walked past Eddward's house. Kevin was oddly quiet as he realized whom the car belonged to.

"Marie. He spent the night with Marie." He said.

Nazz waited patiently beside him as a range of emotions flickered across his face. It started with anger and ended with anguish.

"You spent the night at my house. I'm sure he has a good explanation, Kev." Nazz said reassuringly.

"I really hope so, Nazz."

Kevin had never felt like this before. He couldn't place the word. He was Mr. Popularity. Every girl in school wanted to date him. Cheerleaders practically threw themselves at him. He could have anyone he wanted. But the one he wanted was with someone else. Once Kevin sat in his homeroom classroom the word hit him hard and pierced through his heart.

Replaced.


	18. Nothing Lasts Forever

Edd felt the rays of the sun pierce through the cracks in the blinds as they landed on his face. He felt the warm body beside him stir slightly and snuggle closer into his side. Eddward sighed as the events of the previous night flooded through his thoughts. He opened his eyes and stared down at the messy blue locks that were scattered over the pillow and his arm. Marie was curled up against his side and he used his free arm to brush the hair away from her face.

Her lip was swollen with traces of dried blood evident from the split in it. Eddward swallowed hard as the picture of Tom with a little heart after his name flashed in his mind. He was going to find Tom, and he would make sure Marie was never hurt by him ever again.

Marie stirred slightly and she moved her head to look up at him, Eddward gave her a small smile.

"How long have you been staring at me for?" She asked.

Eddward shrugged, "not long," he answered.

Marie rolled her eyes, "creep," she said.

Eddward shoved her lightly and she laughed. She rolled over and looked towards the window at the sunlight that was steadily seeping into the room. Her body froze as she turned to look at Eddward.

"Edd, we slept in! You've late for school. And you probably have tests today." She exclaimed as she jumped out of bed and walked around to the side he was on. "Come on get up!" She yelled at him as she shoved him roughly.

"Calm down Marie." Eddward said as he rolled onto his back and rested his hands behind his head. "I'll make up the tests later. I wasn't planning on attending school today anyway."

Marie punched his arm. Eddward glowered at her.

"Get up. You're going to school. You're not gonna fall behind because of me." She said angrily as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Eddward raised an eyebrow at her and then shook his head, fighting with her was pointless. He slowly got up and stood before her. Her hard exterior slowly dropped as he approached. Her once strong and seamless façade began to crumble into gravel with his close proximity. She fell into his arms and started to cry. Not the same crying she did the previous night. This was relieved crying; the kind that happens when you know everything will be alright. Eddward wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close.

"He'll never touch you again, I promise you that," Eddward said in a deadly low tone.

Marie sniffled into his chest and then looked up to meet his face. Tears were streaming down her face. He kissed the top of her forehead lightly and ruffled her hair slightly as he pulled away. He grabbed her hand as he attempted to lead her downstairs.

"Come on, I'll make you breakfast." He said as he tugged her, but she remained in the same spot.

"Edd," she said in a small voice, "What are you gonna do to him?"

Eddward felt a sick sadistic smile etch itself onto his face.

"Nothing he doesn't deserve." He said and then softened his features as he turned to look at her. "Now come." He said as he tugged her gently.

She complied and they made their way downstairs. Eddward sat her at the table and started rummaging through his cupboards for the ingredients to make pancakes.

"Edd, will you please go to school today?" Marie asked.

Eddward continued grabbing the items he required. "Is it really that important to you?" he asked gingerly as he found everything he needed.

"Yes." She answered simply.

Eddward sighed. "Fine, but if I'm going to school I'd like you to stay here until I get out."

Kevin sighed as he stuffed some books into his locker. The day was halfway over and there was still no sign off Edd. He closed his locker and turned to lean against it. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was severely wrong and no matter what happened next; things weren't going to be okay. Why was Eddward ignoring him? Why was he with Marie? Were they planning this the whole time? Kevin had asked Edd if he could come over and Eddward outright told him no. Well, then why was Marie's car parked in the driveway, they could have at least parked the car in the garage if they were trying to hide it. But what if they weren't trying to hide it? Was this Edd's way of breaking things off? Kevin's head lolled back with a thud against the locker.

"Still no sign of him?" Nazz asked as she walked up to him.

"No, he wasn't in our history class. Something isn't right here Nazz. When have you ever known Edd to skip school?" Kevin asked.

Nazz made a face and as she hugged him. Kevin reluctantly hugged her back, but it wasn't a real hug on his part.

"Nazz I don't know what to do anymore," Kevin said dejectedly.

"Have you tried calling him?" She asked trying to remain hopeful for his benefit.

Kevin rolled his eyes as he gave his response. "He won't answer."

"Come on," Nazz said as she pulled at Kevin's sleeve, "let's get lunch."

Kevin and Nazz sat in the cafeteria at one of the center tables where all the sports cliques mingled. They were currently sitting in the midst of students from the football and soccer teams and some of the cheerleaders. Lunch seemed no different than normal until there was a commotion coming from the other side of the cafeteria.

"Hey Kev, I think I found Edd." Nazz said as she pointed across the cafeteria.

Kevin stood up as he watched the madness unfold in front of everyone.

After making Marie breakfast and convincing her that he was not hungry and that he would eat at school, Eddward showered and dressed and Marie drove. Once at school Eddward entered and made his way to the main office to sign in. He'd never been this late to school before; it was almost pointless to show up this late. It was eleven o'clock and the first period lunch had already started. After signing in he made his way to history to talk to the teacher and arrange a makeup test. Once that matter was out of the way Eddward decided to head to the lunchroom where the rest of his peers were currently eating what the school deemed a nutritious meal. Upon entering he grabbed an apple and a yogurt.

Ed stood up from a table not too far away and began waving madly at him from the short distance. Eddward rolled his eyes playfully as he made his way over to his childhood friend.

"Hi Double Dee! I didn't see you walking to school today." Ed exclaimed boisterously as he dug into his lunch.

"I had a prior engagement to attend to Ed. I just arrived a few moments ago." Eddward answered as he took a bite out of his apple.

The cafeteria was noisy and obnoxious as usual, but a particular conversation caught his attention a few tables away. Eddy was seated at a table alone and standing directly behind him were a few of the students from the baseball team, but one stood out from the others and caught Eddward's eye.

Tom with a little heart after his name.

Eddward gripped his apple firmly in his hand as he looked on at the sight before him. Tom and his comrades seemed to be pestering Eddy about something, but he was too far away to make out the details.

Eddy was lowlife scum to Eddward at this point in their… could he even call it a friendship anymore? Well whatever it was, Eddy was at the lowest level of comradery. Truly there was nothing Eddward wanted more than to let nature take its course in high school and let Eddy receive every beating he rightfully deserved. But something stirred inside Eddward as he saw Tom's hand clamp down on Eddy's shoulder. That was the same hand the hit, Marie. The same hand that had bruised her delicate face and caused her so much inner turmoil and pain. Eddward swallowed the lump that was building in his throat as he stood slowly.

"Double Dee?" Ed asked oblivious to the situation unfolding.

"Come, Ed, I think it's time I reconcile my friendship with Eddy," Eddward said as he heard Ed squeal with delight beside him.

They started to walk a few tables over and soon they were in earshot of the conversation that Eddward desperately wanted to intrude on.

"Listen punk, all I'm saying is my car was running fine the other day and then I see you beside it and now my brakes are acting funny. Something isn't adding up here." Tom said as he leaned over Eddy.

"And like I told you, I didn't touch your fucking car," Eddy said as he went to turn but a hand from another member of the baseball team held him securely in place.

"Whoa, I don't think you know who you're talking too, show some respect." The bulkier one said.

"All I'm sayin' is that if my car needs to be repaired, I'm coming after you," Tom said as he knelt down closer to Eddy's face.

From the close proximity Eddward could see that Eddy was scared, he could hide it from the students pestering him, but not from Eddward. His brow was twitching and he was tapping his foot lightly. Eddy would normally hold his own against bullies, he was almost fearless with Ed and Eddward behind him, but alone, he was a wreck just barely holding it together.

"Gentlemen, I suggest you release my friend. If he says he didn't touch your car then leave him be." Eddward said as he sat his food down and Ed did the same.

Tom glared at Edd and Eddward returned the unsettling stare, but his was for an entirely different reason. Eddy looked up, a mixture of relief and confusion resting in his eyes from hearing the voice he had betrayed.

"And who are you exactly?" Tom asked sarcastically as he eyed Eddward viciously. "Ahh, I remember you, Double Dee right? Last I remember my boy Jensen did a number on you. Should probably thank him, looks like you're not so pathetic anymore."

A burning rage whirled inside of Edd like a tornado ready to break free from its tight confides and tear across the cafeteria. Eddward slammed his fists on the table as he stood up. "My name is Eddward. And as I previously stated, get your hand off of my friend before you and I have another problem entirely."

Eddward was unaware of the hushed silence that fell upon the cafeteria. There words had seemingly attracted the attention of the nearby tables. Everyone was looking at them, but Eddward didn't notice nor did he care. His eyes were locked on Tom.

Tom released his hold on Eddy as he started walking up to Eddward. Eddward stood up straight as he Tom made his way closer. Tom got inches from Eddward's face.

"You have somethin' you wanna say tough guy?" Tom seethed his fists curling by his sides.

A million different scenarios played out in Eddward's head. He wanted to lunge at Tom and start beating him into broken pieces so he could feel what Marie was feeling. He could say something cleverly crafted and keep up this witty banter until Tom fumed for a more permanent release and raised his hands to Edd. But Eddward had a point to make and a score to settle; unfortunately, this was not the time or place. There were too many eyes on them. Too many unknown obstacles laid in his way.

"Yeah, nothing else to say. That's what I thought." Tom said as he went to leave.

Eddward's hand snaked out so fast Tom didn't have a chance to blink before Eddward's fingers curled into the neck of his shirt. Eddward tightened his grip on the shirt as he pulled Tom closer to his face. Eddward opened his mouth to speak when a teacher approached.

"Is there a problem here guys?" the older male voice asked.

Tom turned his head to meet the eyes of one of the coaches, but Eddward kept his eyes locked into the side of Tom's skull. Reluctantly Eddward released Tom's shirt.

"Nah coach, we were just messin' around." Tom said as he straightened out his shirt and turned his eyes back to Edd. There was a flicker of hesitation on Tom's behalf, a quick slip in his tough guy exterior, but Eddward caught it. He let his lips caress into a small side smirk.

"Tom was just about to leave and take his friends with him." Eddward said in a snarky tone.

Tom gave him one last menacing stare and then motioned for his friends to follow.

Eddy glanced between Eddward and Ed as they sat down. Ed continued eating his lunch as if nothing happened while Eddward opened his yogurt and took a bite. Eddy looked incredulous as he stared toward Edd. As if sensing Eddy's eyes on him, Eddward looked up to meet the gaze.

"Is there something you wish to say Eddy?" Eddward asked.

"Yeah, for starters what the fuck was that all about? Since when do you go picking fights with people?" he asked flabbergasted.

Eddward raised a delicate eyebrow as he pondered over his response.

"A simple thank you would suffice on your behalf. Or better yet an apology followed by your gratitude." Eddward said as he ate his makeshift lunch.

Eddy grumbled and then stood. "Dee take a walk with me will ya?"

Eddward finished his yogurt and placed the empty container on Ed's tray. "And what of Ed? It's rather rude to leave him here."

Without hesitation Ed stood with his empty tray in hand. "I have to go see my wrestling coach before my next class so you guys can go talk. Can we all hang out later?" Ed asked as he looked toward Eddward.

Ed wasn't as naïve or as stupid as most people made him out to be. Under his dopey exterior was a mastermind at work who waited patiently until the time was right. Of course he directed his question at Eddward, and he did just tell Ed he was ready to be friends with Eddy again. Ed knew what he was doing. Eddward sighed in defeat, maybe this futile dispute truly had gone on long enough.

"Fine, we'll work out the details later." Eddward said as he stood and looked toward Eddy. "After you."

Eddy led the way from the cafeteria and into the slightly crowded hallway. Lunch wouldn't be over for another ten minutes so they still had time before the hallways were overcrowded with rowdy teenagers. Eddward showed his Hands into the depths of his pockets as he walked silently beside Eddy.

"Look Edd, I'm sorry, okay? I regretted everything I said the second after you hit me. And if I-" Eddy fell silent as they continued to walk toward a dead end hall.

Eddward looked about, there was no one around.

"And what if I hadn't hit you when I did? The whole cul-de-sac would've known what I entrusted you with. You were ruthless Eddy and honestly I thought better of you. I thought we were friends." Eddward admitted.

"We still are friends Dee. I was drunk and angry and Kevin-"

"What does Kevin have to do with any of this?" Eddward interjected.

"He was at Nazz's house actin' all mopey and shit. I think he'd already had a few beers by the time I got there. He told me he saw your wrist and I just snapped. All I could think about was how you promised me you wouldn't and then you turned around and did it anyway. I felt like my feelings didn't matter on it. Like you trusted Shovelchin more than you trusted me and I'm your best friend… or I was." Eddy said as he rubbed his foot in a circle on the floor.

Eddward felt a wave of understanding wash over him and it completely stifled the oxygen out of his lungs. It all made sense now. Eddy didn't randomly decide to out him in front of their childhood friends. There truly was a reason behind it. Eddy had felt betrayed in the same way Eddward had. It didn't make it okay, but at least now he knew why.

"Look Dee, you're like the brother I always wanted, but I ended up with my asshole brother instead. Yeah sometimes we may fight and say dumb shit, but at the end of the day you gotta know that I would never try to hurt you like that."

Eddward's heart twisted at the words spewing from his mouth. Eddy was contradicting his previous actions.

"But you did Eddy, the fact of the matter is that you did try to hurt me like that. That's not something I can forgive so easily." Eddward admitted feeling his stomach wind into knots.

"I know that and I'm sorry Edd." Eddy started as he looked up. "You gotta believe me."

Eddward turned his head so Eddy's gaze couldn't penetrate the wall he was trying to keep up. They'd reached a stalemate and he couldn't justify what was the right move to make.

"I get it. If you honestly can't forgive me I'll leave you alone. I just needed to tell you how I felt." Eddy said as he slumped and began to walk back down the corridor from which they had come.

Eddwards hands trembled in the confines of his pockets. He didn't want to forgive Eddy so easily. He told himself that Eddy wasn't worthy of his forgiveness or his friendship, but yet… Eddy was his best friend. Eddy had been his best friend for as long as he could remember. And if he were being honest with himself… if he truly was done with Eddy's friendship then he wouldn't have confronted Tom in the lunchroom to help Eddy out. He would have let nature take it's course and sought out his next available meeting with the juvenile creature.

"Eddy." Eddward called out and watched as Eddy nearly tripped as he turned to look at him. "I promised Ed we'd hang out. Tomorrow's a half day. We should meet up after the last bell rings."

The relieved look in Eddy's eyes almost melted Eddward's nearly stone cold heart. Eddy recovered quickly, not letting his emotions get the best of him in public and especially at school. "See ya then Sockhead," he called and raised two fingers to him as a mock salute goodbye as he turned on his heel and retreated.

Eddward felt a burden removed from his shoulders as his friend departed down the hall. Eddward had a newfound vigor as he trudged to his next class. The day had just started for him and yet only a few classes remained before track practice and coincidentally baseball practice.

Kevin slammed his gym locker shut as he sat down on one of the benches and began lacing up his shoes. Most of the after school sports had long since ended. He'd just left the weight room after a long and overdue workout after his football practice to rid himself of some pent up stress, tension, aggression, and so many other mixed feelings. He looked at his phone which was poking out of his duffel bag. No new messages. He hung his head in defeat. He'd texted Edd and asked him to come meet him in the weight room, but of course he received no response. Kevin squeezed his phone as he lowered his head in defeat.

He was tipping towards his breaking point and he didn't know how much more he could take. Eddward's dangerous downward spiral had sucked Kevin in and completely consumed him and now. Now he was afraid he was going to lose everything including his relationship with Edd.

Everything that had happened was leading up to their inevitable break up. Nazz's words from the previous night seemed to echo their truth in his ear.

"Kev, please don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes love isn't enough to save someone."

"Relationships shouldn't be this hard Kevin."

Nazz was right and deep down Kevin had known the truth the whole time, he just didn't want to admit it. Eddward didn't want his help and looking back on it Kevin felt stupid for feeling like he was making a difference when in actuality he was making everything worse. Back before summer had ended Eddward and he were fine as friends and Eddward was okay and now… Eddward seemed worse than when he first made the drastic change to his outward appearance. Kevin swallowed hard. He had to talk to Edd. Even if killed him to end things like this.

"Who the fuck did that kid think he was trying to start shit with me during lunch. Guess his faggot ass didn't learn his lesson the first time around." Tom shouted as he threw his bat into the locker room.

Kevin heard the commotion and got up to peer along the other side of the gym lockers to where some of the baseball members were.

"I'm telling ya, these last two days have been complete shit. First my girl up and disappears and now this little fucker thinks he wants to start shit with me. Then coach is all see me after practice let's talk about your attitude." Tom raged as he threw some more of his shit in his locker before slamming it shut.

"Your girl will come crawling back to you, her whole world revolves around you." Derek said. He was a slim boy with blonde hair and Kevin knew him from his math class.

"And as for the tough little queer boy, he'll get what's coming to him." The bulky teen quipped and Kevin identified him as Austin from his science class.

Out of nowhere another voice joined the group and Kevin felt his heart fall into the pit of his stomach.

"As I previously stated my name is Eddward, but I completely understand if you lack the intellect to retain that information." Eddward said as he strolled in and made his way to Tom. "You and I have an underlying issue that requires immediate attention Tom."

The bulkier teen tried to shove Eddward, but he caught his hand at the last minute. Eddward looked up at him with an icy cold stare. "Desist from touching me with your grotesque appendages. This matter needn't concern you or your comrade." Eddward stated as his deadly stare fell back on Tom. "This is between us."

Tom scoffed. "What are you mad or something cuz I wasn't involved in your beating a few years ago."

Eddward's hand shot out so fast that Tom's jaw fell ajar when the locker beside his face rattled from the impounded fist in it.

"You can attempt to mock and belittle me all you like. Your foul words are empty threats compared to the torture I've endured, but let me make one thing transparently clear to you, if you ever try to contact Marie again I shall be the one residing in jail for whatever happens to your sorry excuse for a person." Eddward said and then turned on his heel to leave, but Tom reached out and snagged Edd's hand.

Edd saw red. Dark crimson red. The red which haunted his dreams. The color red that poured from his flesh. He moved swiftly as he turned on his heel and sunk his fist straight into the center of Tom's face. A sickening crunch echoed throughout the locker room as Tom fall back and stumbled over one of the benches. He quickly brought his hands up to cradle his broken nose.

"You little shit!" Tom cried out.

Austin went to charge at Edd and that's what stirred Kevin from his frozen stance as he rushed toward Eddward.

"You guys done fucking around in here?" Kevin asked as he jogged over and precariously placed himself between Eddward and the underlying threat.

If these guys wanted a fight, he wouldn't back down. But he wanted to end this before it got any worse.

"Back outta this Kev. This ain't got nothin' to do with you." Derek said as he stood from his position near Tom.

Kevin had to act fast if he wanted to get Eddward out of this situation before it got out of hand.

"You guys really wanna get into some dumb shit right before winter break? He's not worth it so just drop it." Kevin said.

Austin and Derek looked between each other and then to Tom who was still cradling his broken nose.

"This ain't over faggot." He called out as he got to his feet and staggered out of the locker room with his goons in tow.

Once the doors to the locker room closed behind them Kevin and Eddward were completely alone. Kevin felt a burning rage rippling deep within his veins.

"Edd, what the fuck was that all about?" Kevin asked through gritted teeth.

Eddward crossed his hands over his chest as he leveled a look at Kevin.

"I was dealing with a matter which is none of your concern." Eddward said flatly.

"Well how about a little warning next time before you pull a stunt like that and fly off the deep end." Kevin bit out trying not to yell, but truthfully that's all he wanted to do.

"Oh I'm sorry Kevin; please allow me to apologize for the momentary lapse in my better judgment. Next time I'll seek your permission before I threaten someone." Eddward said as he turned to leave.

"Don't walk away when I'm talkin' to you," Kevin called out.

Eddward's step hitched momentarily, "what more do you wish to say? I thought we were done here."

Kevin was fuming. All he wanted was some answers. He'd been worked up all night and now he finally had the chance to talk to Edd and he wanted nothing to do with him. It seemed to be happening a lot lately.

Eddward was losing his patience.

"Kevin I have somewhere to be." Eddward said as he continued walking to the door.

Kevin sprinted after him and slammed him into a nearby locker. Kevin held him there forcefully and stared Eddward dead in the eye.

"No, no more avoiding me. I can't do this anymore Edd. I'm sick of you acting like I don't exist. Like I'm not trying to help you." Kevin said as he hung his head.

"I don't require your help as you call it." Eddward said flatly and Kevin leveled a look at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kevin asked angrily.

Eddward sighed, "must I elaborate?" He asked as he gestured to the predicament Kevin had placed them in, "look at us Kevin. This isn't help."

Kevin had Eddward pinned forcefully against the locker. His fingers were clenched around Eddward's biceps. Kevin relaxed slightly as Eddward slowly reached up and pushed the other off of him. Kevin started at his shoes for a moment while he attempted to compose himself.

"Do you even see what this is doing to me? To us?" Kevin asked.

Eddward sighed heavily.

"Kevin, when we entered this relationship I told you I wasn't meant for one. I specifically informed you that I didn't know how to do this."

Maybe Eddward was right. It was now or never.

"I was never like this before. I've never acted like this, Edd. I… we need to talk."

Eddward's chest tightened.

No.

Not this… Not right now.

This isn't what he wanted. Nothing good ever followed after that phrase.

"Can this wait?" Eddward asked nervously.

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck and swallowed hard, "it already has. You've barely talked to me lately. You never want anything to do with me. You always have some excuse of why I can't see you," he took a deep breath before continuing, "listen… I-I've been thinking long and hard about this. But since we… that is… I don't know how to put this." Kevin stammered and he felt like a complete tool.

Eddward couldn't handle the rambling, "you're leaving me, aren't you?" He blatantly asked.

"Look, it's not like this is what I want. I mean I want you Edd. I really do and I want to be with you it's just… I don't think we're good for each other at this point. I'm making things worse for you and I'm not acting like myself. Even you can see that. You lived through something traumatic Edd. Something that no one should ever have to go through and I'll never understand. And yeah you're still here, but if this is what you call living then you really didn't survive. And… I'm not the help you need. You need real help." Kevin tried to explain.

Eddward's broken world shattered before his eyes. This… this is exactly what he wanted all along and yet now he regretted it. Kevin understood how he felt. Kevin knew he couldn't help. For the first time he wished Kevin would try instead of saying he couldn't. Hearing him made it all too real to handle.

"K-Kevin…" Edd stammered.

"Edd, I love you. I do. And I want to be with you but I… I don't think I can do this anymore."

At the mention of the word love something seemed to change in Eddward's demeanor, like he had been through a similar situation in the past. When you love someone you don't give up on them. You don't abandon them and disappear with only a sticky note left to tell the words you're too afraid to speak. Kevin was no better than his parents.

"Just say it then Kevin and save me from this deluded false pretense that we've grown overly accustomed to." Eddward yelled as he felt tears prick tat he corners of his eyes.

"Please don't act like this. I just need you to understand." Kevin pleaded as he went to step closer, but Eddward backed away a few paces.

"Oh, I understand perfectly, Kevin. So please, don't insult my intelligence by belittling me with your guile. It's fine. Don't worry. I'll be fine. That's what you need to hear right?" Eddward asked as he lashed out.

"Edd, this isn't how I wanted this conversation to go. Please just hear me out," he begged.

"I don't want to listen further to any sort of explanation you can fathom. Do you really think so little of me?" Eddward said in a hoarse voice.

He couldn't contain his emotions anymore. The pressure had been building for a long time. This was pent up rage and anger dating back years before he even knew Kevin. This was the pain of being forgotten about. Being given up on. Being 'loved' as he was used to.

"I predicted this outcome from the very early stages of our relationship or whatever you labeled this as." Eddward said bitterly.

Kevin was taken aback by the brash statement.

"Wait what? Are you sayin' that you doomed us from the start?" Kevin asked angrily with hurt seeping into his tone.

"Precisely. You can't be with me. No one can. I've been alone all this time for a reason. I'm better off this way. Now if you'll excuse me."

Kevin called after him as he watched Eddward leave the locker room. His mind was already foggy as he tried to piece together what had just happened. Fear and irrationality swept in and consumed him like a hungry feral ghost.

'Did I ever mean anything to you?' Kevin thought as he collapsed on the bench.

Tears pricked at his eyes as he was overcome with emotions he'd never felt before. Kevin had always been the one to end his relationships. He was always the heart breaker until now. How was it that he had ended the relationship and yet here he was sporting a heart that felt like what little remained was going to crumble into ash. Kevin sat there lost in a daze until his phone started ringing.

"Nazz?" he answered reluctantly trying to hide the pain in his voice.

"Kev, did you get a chance to talk to Edd? I just saw him leave the building really fast."

Kevin sniffled as he wiped at his eyes.

"Kev? Hey what's wrong? Are you okay?" Nazz asked with genuine concern.

"It's over Nazz. It's really over."

"Kev…" she said as her voice trailed off.

Kevin had broken up with Eddward, but ultimately, Eddward was the one who'd left Kevin.

"He left me."


	19. The Turn Around

The feeling is seemingly indescribable, but I'll try my best to enlighten you anyway. It starts as a burning feeling that slowly spreads throughout your entire chest cavity. This is accompanied by an uncomfortable feeling of fullness. Like there's so much pent up energy begging for release. Its chosen to reside inside your body and wrack you with anxiety because it doesn't have anywhere else to go. The fullness soon gives way to a tightness that stretches across your skin like invisible fingers trying to rip your ribcage open. Your lungs are compressed as they're buried under the weight of essentially nothing. It's nothing. At least that's what you say when someone asks if you're okay.

"Oh it's nothing."

It's all you say to them. Technically it is the truth. There is nothing to tell because you're trapped and you wouldn't even know where to begin. Your heart is beating rapidly, trying to pump blood through useless veins which start twisting into tight mangled knots. They wouldn't understand. No one does.

"What's wrong?" Marie asked as Eddward slammed the passenger door shut.

Edd pulled his knees up to his chest as he wrapped his arms around himself. Everything had happened so fast. He'd said things, so many things. Did he mean them? Did he mean a word of it? One minute Kevin was breaking up with him and then Eddward snapped. He had told Kevin from the beginning he couldn't do this. He told him a relationship wouldn't work.

Kevin made him feel things.

Kevin made him open up.

Kevin made it impossible not to fall in love.

He couldn't get a hold of his breathing. He couldn't calm down. Guilt and pain wracked around inside his petite frame as he came to terms with the gravity of the situation. He and Kevin were over with. Completely over.

Marie reached a hand out and touched his arm. "Edd?"

His head snapped up. "Just drive the car Marie." He choked out.

Marie moved her hand up and squeezed his shoulder lightly.

"Just drive the fucking car!" he yelled.

It was all too much. He wanted this though. He had to convince himself that he wanted this. He was meant to be alone. Now he could go back to his old ways. This was the freedom he had longed for. This is the loophole he'd been waiting for… but why did it hurt so much? And at what cost did it come. Was reckless self-control really worth losing the one individual who made him truly feel alive. Was Kevin's sanity worth a lifetime of misery?

The car ride was quiet except for a few strangled sobs from the passenger seat. Marie kept her eyes glued to the road as she turned into the Cul-De-Sac. The car came to a halt in Eddward's driveway. Marie swallowed as she turned her attention back to Edd. Eddward seemed lost to reality.

"Edd, we're at your house."

Eddward's dead gaze sent a cold chill down Marie's spine. Eddward sniffled once more as he turned his face away from Marie. He refused to look at her as he exited the car and began walking towards the house.

"Hey, Edd! Wait a minute!" Marie called out as she clambered out of the car after him.

He strode in long and powerful strides until he finally reached the front door. Marie was right on his tail and quickly slipped between him and the door.

"Edd," she said calmly.

His eyes were focused on her, but they weren't seeing her. It was like they were looking straight through her into the absolute nothingness of a blackholed abyss.

"Marie," he answered in a broken voice.

"You wanna talk about what just happened?" she asked.

Eddward shrugged, but never removed his eyes from her. "There's nothing more left to say. Move, please."

"I'm not buying that for a second, Edd. Talk to me or I'm not moving." Marie said as she crossed her arms.

Eddward swallowed. "Kevin ended it." He managed to say.

Marie dropped her arms. "Oh my God, Edd. I… I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

She moved in to hug him and as she did he fished his house keys out of his pocket and began unlocking the door. It was too much. It was all too much. The touching was overwhelming. Talking about it made him feel like he was choking on words. He needed to remove himself from the situation.

"Move Marie, please." He begged as she hesitantly dropped her arms and stepped aside.

Eddward was a runner and sprinting from his problems was his specialty. Before Marie had a chance to blink he was gone. Through the house, up the stairs, into the bathroom with the door locking behind him. He pressed his back against the door and a few seconds later he could feel tiny fists pounding behind him.

"Edd! Open the door Edd!"

He thumped his head back in response.

She started begging, pleading with him. He could hear her, but he wasn't listening. He strode across the small room and crawled into the tub. He curled in on himself inside the porcelain tomb which once again would take him prisoner. The door was shaking to a definitive beat as delicate fists continued to thump against it. It became a steady rhythm that formed a soothing melody for his malevolent thoughts. All her words seemed to blend together into a symphony for one as he hugged himself tightly.

He wanted to be alone.

He was finally alone.

Couldn't she just respect that?

He'd been through this before with his parents. The dreaded 'I love you,' followed by abandonment and disappointment. Why is it that when you need someone the most they're nowhere in sight. Was Eddward's existence some kind of cosmic joke to the galaxy? Or was this all his fault to begin with?

He'd become a master manipulator over the years to his fellow peers. He was a magnificent actor that his desolate personality had concocted over endless nights of pain and misery. His audience was oblivious to what occurred behind the shower curtain when he left the stage. The ventriloquist dummy was tangled up by puppet strings that even razors couldn't slice from his soul. He let out a strangled sob that broke into a desperate laugh.

Eddward truly believed that Kevin cared; Kevin could have been the one to save him from himself. Eddward was finally able to admit that. Kevin could have.

Could have.

But he couldn't…

And now he never would.

Eddward was vaguely aware of the passage of time as the light coming through the bathroom window was replaced by pale moonlight. He pulled his phone from the depths of his pocket. Numerous messages were flashing on his screen, but he didn't care. The time read 8:14pm.

Eddward slowly emerged from the tub. He stretched his aching limbs from the tight confines as he made his way to the bathroom door. He unlocked it and pulled. Marie, who had been leaning against the door, fell back as her support was yanked from her back. She landed with an "oof," as her body hit the floor. Eddward arched an eyebrow as he looked down at the frail girl at his feet.

She couldn't save him either.

He stepped over her and made his way into the bedroom. He dropped his jacket to the floor and crawled under his blankets and pulled them tightly around his body. The tears still stung at his eyes as he tried to hold them from rolling down his cheeks. He heard small footsteps shuffle across the floor. The blanket was tugged from beside him and small delicate hands encompassed his face. They stroked his skin tenderly.

"I'm so sorry, Edd. I don't know what I can do to help," she whispered.

She reached out and tugged him in close. She wrapped her arms around him as he rested his head between her neck and chest. He could hear her heart beating rapidly and he counted the beats. Her dainty fingers ran through his hair and under his hat as she stroked him in a steady motion. He felt her lips place a gentle kiss on the top of his head.

He closed his eyes tight. "I regret that you saw me in this condition."

Marie's hand squeezed the hair under his hat. "Its okay. I told you I'm always here for you. I'm not going anywhere." She answered reassuringly.

It was true. Marie was always there when he needed her and not there when he didn't. Eddward slowly lifted his eyes to meet hers. The room was cast into darkness, but the moon illuminated just enough of her face so that he could see that her eyes were puffy and red. Her face was slowly moving closer to his and he wasn't sure what to do. Her lips were parted slightly as they inched closer and closer to his face. Their faces were so close that he could feel her warm breath against his face. He closed his eyes as he felt her lips press against his own.

She was perfection crafted at its absolute finest. Ideally, in a perfect world she would hold the correct combination to open the complex lock on his heart. But fate was a cruel and ignorant tyrant that wouldn't allow him such a peaceful sanctuary.

He scrunched his brow. Her lips were wonderfully soft and inviting, but they weren't the slightly rough and sometimes chapped ones that silenced him in a heated dispute. Her hand moved slowly to cup his face. Her skin felt soft and silky and more than anything he missed the calloused palms that once held him firmly in place. Her dainty tongue slowly poked at his lips asking for permission. Nothing like the tongue that darted in to seek dominance.

Eddward sighed unintentionally and Marie broke the kiss to stare at him. He was fully aware of her feelings for him over the years. It was painstakingly obvious when they were young kids. As they matured she kept giving him subtle hints here and there. Moreso after his accident. Coming over in the late hours of the night after a particularly bad nightmare. Or staying on the phone with him until the early hours of the morning until the darkness couldn't trap him anymore. Yes, Marie was everything he needed in a person.

And yet the only person he could imagine being intimate with had deep green eyes, ginger bangs poking out of an old, beat up red baseball cap with slight stubble that adorned a strong jawline.

"Marie, I can't" Eddward said.

Eddward saw the exact moment when the realization dawned on her that they would never be more than what they were right now. Her eyes seemed to lose some of their color. Her soul deflated before him like a defective balloon.

"I know," she whispered.

Silent tears and occasional sniffles followed them into the late hours of the night until sleep finally took them hostage.

* * *

"He left me for Marie!" Kevin hollered as he slammed his fist into his locker door.

"You don't know that." Nazz said as she grabbed some books from her locker.

Kevin huffed and rolled his eyes.

"Her car was still at his house this morning. He was threatening Tom yesterday in the locker room over her. I can't believe I was this stupid. He broke up with me and had her spend the night again. All that bullshit about being alone… he played me Nazz."

Nazz sighed as she threw her book bag over her shoulder.

"Have you tried talking to him again?" she asked.

"I called, but he didn't pick up." Kevin answered as he turned his head to Eddward's locker. "And now he's not at school."

Nazz followed his gaze as she sighed. "Didn't you originally plan on breaking up with him yesterday anyway? I'm still confused about that."

"Well yeah. I did. But then he changed and all of a sudden it was like nothing we had was real. Like the whole thing was one big joke to him." Kevin admitted as he slumped back against the metal wall lined with lockers.

"I don't know Kev. The only person who can answer that for you is Edd."

Kevin tilted his head back as he absently stared at the ceiling. "Yeah, like he'll actually tell me the truth."

The warning bell chimed signalling the students to hurry to their assigned classrooms.

"We'll meet up after school and talk more ok? Take it easy, Kev. Don't do anything stupid." Nazz said as she walked down the hall.

"Later," was all he said as he kicked the foot of his locker and walked to his classroom.

He got into the classroom right before the bell rang. There was a teacher Kevin didn't recognize sitting at the front desk. She was cleary new to teaching and nervous as she dropped the stack of papers she was trying to organize. Kevin helped her pick them up and she gave him a warm smile.

"Thank you, Mr…?"

"Kevin Barr." he answered.

"Thank you Mr. Barr. I'm Ms. Jefferson." she responded politely.

"Where's our normal history teacher?"

"Oh, he's out on medical leave. I'll be subbing for the time being."

Kevin nodded and turned from her. As he approached his usual seat he looked back to where Eddward would usually sit. The chair remained empty, but that wasn't what caught his attention. It was the short-tempered companion of his ex who was spotting a lovely black eye. Kevin wandered to the back of the room and sat beside Eddy. Kevin nodded at Eddy.

"What happened to you?" He asked.

Eddy huffed and crossed his arms. "Don't worry 'bout it Shovelchin." He mumbled.

Kevin sighed, "alright, whatever then," he said and went to stand up.

"Aye wait a minute, you seen Dee?" Eddy asked.

Kevin froze."No. I haven't. Why?" He asked with anger rising in his tone.

"Geez, forget it Shovelchin. Just wanted to know why he wasn't here today." Eddy said defensively.

"Pffft. Like he'd tell me anythin'. We're ain't exactly speaking." Kevin said as he sat back down.

"Awe, you guys havin' a little lovers quarrel?" Eddy mocked.

Pain rippled across Kevin's face. He swallowed hard. "We're not together anymore. H-He ended it."

Kevin had gained Eddy's full attention. "Whoa, what?" Eddy asked exasperated.

Kevin had no idea why. Not a single clue. The last person in the entire universe he ever thought he'd talk to about his relationship was Eddy.

Kevin exhaled loudly. "Yeah. Yesterday after school. He confronted that kid who was harrasin' ya at lunch in the locker room. He-"

"Tom?" Eddy interrupted.

Kevin raised an eyebrow, but continued. "Yeah, that asshole. Punched him in the face. It was like he was this whole other person. He was sayin' some shit about him not goin' near Marie. After that we kinda got into it. He basically told me we were never real and he was better off without me," Kevin started and then grunted angrily. "Fuckin' liar," he looked at Eddy, "Marie's car was at his house. Been there the last two nights."

"Oh my God. You're jealous… of Marie?" Eddy asked while laughing.

Kevin gave him a death glare. "He fought Tom for her. Went home with her. Probably slept..." Kevin started to say, but then the words died on his lips.

A whole new fear washed over him and pulled him under the current.

"Dude, you're an idiot. Dee don't like her that way. Never has. Besides, you're forgetting somethin," Eddy pointed out, but Kevin still didn't seem to be getting it. He signaled for Kevin to move closer to him before he whispered, "Dee's gay."

Kevin pulled away and rolled his eyes. "So why's she there? What's so special about her that she gets to be there and I get ignored?" Kevin asked.

"Dude, don't take it personal. She was the one who found him after the accident. Stayed in the hospital with him. They have some sorta bond thing. He loves her, but not like that."

"I don't know Eddy…" Kevin said defeated.

"Look, if shes at his house then something's up. Plus he skipped school. He never skips… well except for when you pissed him off." Eddy started to say and Kevin's face drained of color. "Relax, he won't… ya know… do anything stupid. That's why she's there. She stays with him when he gets like that. She won't leave 'til he's good. She's the only one who gets to see him like that. Used to piss me off to no end, but he safe with her. So relax."

"Yeah. Relax," Kevin sighed.

* * *

"Edd, I'll be fine. You really don't have to worry." Marie said as she tried to make her way to the door.

Eddward grabbed her hand to stop her, "and what if he's at you house waiting?"

Marie pulled her hand back and planted both hands firmly on her hips, "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself."

Eddward furrowed his eyebrows, "Yes, because you did such a magnificent job of that the first time around." He bit out angrily.

Marie glowered at him. "Screw you Edd! You don't get to talk to me that way!" She yelled with a hint of sadness creeping into her tone.

Eddward sighed heavily. This is not how he wanted this conversation to go. Marie was being unreasonable, irrational, and quite ridiculous to think she was just going to go back home without his protection.

"You're not my boyfriend. You don't get to tell me what to do." She added snapping him out of his thoughts.

He lowered his eyes at her. After what happened last night she was still bitter. Eddward knew that kiss meant the world to Marie. She'd harbored feelings for him since they first met. She wanted that kiss to change him, to mold him into some new redefined image. She wanted an Eddward that longed for her and yearned for her affection. He could never reciprocate those feelings. His brain wasn't programmed to love his optimal female counterpart. It was one of his many defects.

"You're right. I'm not your boyfriend. I would never even consider the possibility of laying a hand on you. To even fathom such a despicable notion is truly grotesque." Eddward said trying to resist the urge to scream at her for her mediocre choice in men.

She deserved better than both of them.

Marie's hard expression softened, "I know. You're better than he is. May and Lee are home. They were out the night he hit me. I'll be okay." She said as she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his frame.

Eddward stiffened in her embrace. "If he shows up you-"

"If he shows up I'll call you. Okay?" She finished for him.

Eddward relaxed slightly as he watched her leave the sanctuary of his home. He squeezed his fists at his sides as he tried to calm himself. He looked up to the clock on the wall. It was 7:05. Even though today was a half day he had no desire to attend. He didn't care about tests. He just couldn't set his mind to focus. He swallowed the lump in his throat and walked over to the window. He caught the last glimpse of Marie's car leaving his driveway before his eyes focused on the house directly across from him. As he gazed one thing became abundantly clear.

Kevin was the only one for him and he'd ruined everything.


	20. The Confrontation

"I love you," he had said those words. Those deliciously incredible words had toppled off of Kevin's tongue and tumbled out of his mouth like a beautiful, yet tragic symphony.

Love.

What an obtuse concept.

Could a heart like Eddward's truly be loved and accepted by another's. I mean, what is love? Let's break down the complex term of endearment that so many crave and yet so many dread.

Definition: a deranged senseless and volatile emotion.

Well that was easy enough.

Example: One moment love is beautiful and carefree, it creates a false sense of security that captivates both parties, but then it slowly turns to hate over a period of unforeseen time. Then onward to pain, anguish, and betrayal i.e., Kevin and Eddward's relationship.

So does love offer any honest purpose? And if love is so wondrous then why do all marriages end in til' death do us part? Well, I suppose love must end there because our souls are corrupted by human sin and are therefore free in the afterlife.

Maybe there isn't another side and you aren't greeted by loved ones once you go towards the light. Maybe nothing is waiting for you, or anyone for that matter.

Such a horrible outcome and a devastating realization.

Love must truly hold no meaning.

Eddward screwed his eyes shut as he stared at his bedroom ceiling. Marie had left earlier in the morning and although Eddward only had a half day of school, he chose not to go. Today was the beginning of winter break. He had two midterms and yet missing the tests bothered him nonetheless. His chest felt weighted and yet empty at the same time. A warm numb sensation had taken over his body. He wasn't sure what he felt any longer. He was lost inside his own mind and he harbored no desire to be found. He was only disturbed from his empty thoughts when he heard a light thudding sound coming from downstairs.

He rolled over and retrieved his phone from his nightstand.

Dead.

He sighed heavily and plugged it into his charger. If only he could do that with his life. Shut off his brain when he needed a break, power down completely, and then just plug himself back in until his charge hit one-hundred percent. Alas, life was not that simple.

The banging downstairs continued.

Eddward reluctantly made his way down the stairs. As he got closer the banging seemed to intensify and Ed's barbarous voice was coming from the other side. As he reached the front door Ed's voice was accompanied by the sound of Eddy's voice. Eddward mentally kicked himself. He'd completely forgotten they were supposed to hang out today. It would be the first real time hanging out with Eddy since the punch incident. Eddward placed his hand on the doorknob and rested his forehead against the door. He clenched his fist. He wasn't in the mood for visitors, but he didn't have a choice. Ed's fists pounded against the door again and Eddward's forehead reverberated against the rhythm. He pulled his head back and rubbed at his temple as he reluctantly opened the door for his impatient comrades.

The door barely clicked open before Ed barged in, "Double Dee!" He shouted as the door swung violently into Eddward sending him spiraling to the floor.

He landed with a soft thud as he stared up at his loud and boisterous friend.

"Double Dee!" Ed yelled again as he reached down and scooped Eddward up from under his armpits. "I was so worried! You said we were going to hang out and then you weren't at school. And your phone was off and I was afraid!" He whined into Eddward's face as he squeezed him tightly.

From his position in Ed's arms he could see Eddy hesitantly standing in the door frame of his front door. His eyes were downcast and his hands were thrust deep into his pockets. He was rubbing one foot from side to side as if he was trying to draw a line on the floor.

"Ed, as you can see I am fine. Please set me down." Eddward said as his friend squeezed him a little tighter.

Ed set him down gently and then crossed his arms as he stared at Eddward. "Why weren't you at school mister? And why didn't you answer your phone?"

Eddward cocked his eyebrow at Ed's sassy demeanor. "I beg your pardon?" Eddward asked flabbergasted, of all people he never imagined Ed would be the one to call him out.

Eddy scoffed in the background. "Go easy on him Lumpy."

"Ah, he finally speaks." Eddward said as he angled a look at him. "I thought you were going to hide in the door frame for the duration of this bewildering interrogation."

Eddy laughed nervously, but didn't say anything else as he cautiously made his way inside. His eyes were still downcast.

"You missed midterms today. You're in big trouble mister. What do you have to say for yourself?" Ed said in the best authoritative tone he could muster up.

Eddward threw his hands up in exasperation. "What's with the questions Ed? I wasn't aware you took on a parental role in my life."

Eddward honestly wasn't in the mood for any of this. He was still wound up from everything that had happened last night and his encounter with Marie before she left. Too many things were slipping out of his grasp and he was struggling to keep it together.

Ed's expression softened. "I'm sorry Double Dee. I was just worried about you. You never used to skip school."

Eddward sighed. "Don't worry about me Ed. I'm fine." Eddward started, "besides you have my spare house key. If you were so concerned why not just let yourself in?" He added as an afterthought.

Ed's face went pale and his eyes fell to the floor. "I… uh-"

"Please don't tell me you lost it." Eddward snarled angrily.

He'd given that key to Ed so that Ed would know he'd always have a home with him. And now the key was probably lost somewhere. Under Ed's disgusting excuse for a mattress or in the cul-de-sac sewer drain. This possibilities to its whereabouts were endless.

"No, uhm… I kind of let Kevin borrow it." Ed said sheepishly, still not meeting Eddward's gaze.

Eddward felt his eyes bulge out of their sockets. The light bulb inside his head flickered into existence. It burned brighter and brighter until it shattered at the realization. That was how Kevin had gotten into his house the day after Thanksgiving break. He'd forgotten to ask Kevin previously and it never came up in conversation again. Eddward's eyes turned deadly. Kevin had a way into his home against his will.

That luxury needed to be withdrawn in the immediate future.

"You should not have done that Ed. Kevin and I are no longer together." Eddward felt sick hearing those words leave his mouth.

Uncomfortably, awkward silence filled the room. Ed was speechless, Eddward looked like he was going to crumble into pieces, and Eddy couldn't take it.

"Hey Lumpy, why don't you go get that new mutant zombie movie you just bought. Dee really wanted to see it." Eddy lied.

Ed seemed to perk up a little bit. "Okay. I'll be right back." He said with less excitement than usual as he left the house and headed home.

"Oh, that's exactly what I need." Eddward said sarcastically as soon as Ed was out of eyesight.

He turned from Eddy and walked into his kitchen. He clenched his hands as he stared up at the ceiling willing the tears not to fall. It was too much. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and he bit his bottom lip. He knew he could talk to Eddy. They were friends again, sorta. They were going to try at least.

"I talked to Kevin. I wanted to know if he knew why you weren't at school. I guess I thought our talk yesterday meant nothing or whatever. I don't know. I really thought you were avoidin' me and you really didn't wanna be friends anymore. I mean, that could still be the case. And if it is, I'll accept it. I know I fucked up, Dee. I broke your trust and that's not somethin' you give out easily. But I also know I'm one of the few people you can talk to about Kevin. So if you wanna talk, I'll listen." Eddy said.

Eddward let his shoulder slump under Eddy's grip. Eddward prided himself on keeping everything bottled up to himself. He was a master manipulator and he was proud of it. But right now he didn't want to care about his appearance. His heart was still breaking piece by agonizing piece. He ruined everything he got his hands on. His friendships, his relationship, his own body. Would he forever be fighting this losing battle?

Eddward felt the darkness slowly creeping in from the outskirts of his mind.

When would the madness end? Or better yet how would it end?

"Dee?"

Eddward shook his head, now was not the time. He would file those emotions away for a time when he was alone and ready to face a more permanent form of control.

"I ruined it." He began, "Kevin tried so hard to fix me. He wanted more than anything to be the one who rescued me from myself. I saw it in his eyes every time I destroyed more of his heart. I can't do this anymore Eddy. I can't keep up this lifestyle and have him and I don't know which aspect of that realization scares me more."

Once Eddward started talking the words started spilling out of his mouth like a broken faucet.

"Cutting is the only way I can control every ounce of blood I lose. It's the only solution I have for managing the pain inflicted upon myself both mentally and physically. I know you don't understand it. I find most people don't have the ability to comprehend the deeper euphoria of controlling this magnitude of pain. But, I can handle it."

"I believe you." Eddy said sincerely.

Eddward was not expecting that. There was no lecture. No scolding. No fist flying at his face. No form of yelling of any sort. Just pure and wholesome sincerity radiating from Eddy's voice.

"I'll admit I don't understand it and I probably never will. But I lost our friendship over this once and I won't do it again. I trust you Dee, seriously."

This is what he wanted. This is what he always wanted. Just someone to understand and not judge him. Not try to talk him off the edge. Someone to just accept it and shut up about it. Not even Marie did that. She would make sure he didn't do anything or try to help him by talking to him. Yes, she knew of his cutting and allowed it, but she wanted him to stop. This was the green light he was waiting for…

Then why, why did he feel so numb. Why did it feel like nothing anybody said at this point was going to change anything.

"Thank you, Eddy." He said as he turned to face Eddy and then scrunched his face, "who did you piss off this time?" He asked referencing the black eye Eddy was sporting.

"Don't worry 'bout it." He said as they both headed into the living room to await Ed's return.

The rest of the afternoon and night was spent watching movies and eating junk food. The three Eds laughed and joked like old times. Eddward wanted to be happy. He did his absolute best to give the appearance of a happy facade. Eddy had finally accepted him for who he was.

But, why did he feel worse than before? And why was he cherishing this moment as if it would be one of his last?

* * *

Eddward spent the first few days of his winter break hanging out and relaxing with his fellow Eds. It felt like old times except Eddy wasn't trying to scam quarters off of their fellow cul-de-sac friends. He'd developed a routine of hanging with them in the late morning into the early afternoon and then he'd run to the school's gym and work out there. It was the only way he could stop the melancholy thoughts from completely sweeping him up in their comforting despair.

He wanted a reason to live. He was searching for it because the alternative was slowly creeping up on him. Swimming around inside of his brain until the waves pushed the thoughts back out to sea until high tide came again.

Why was death so alluring all of a sudden?

He'd grappled with death before and won. He'd come out victorious and now here he was ready to relinquish his trophy and admit defeat. No matter how he looked at the situation the one thing that changed was Kevin. Kevin's recurring role in his life was the one unstable factor that put him on the edge of teetering more and more to his ultimate demise. So much for a happy relationship.

As Eddward laid on the bench press and lifted the bar more and more unsettling and troubling thoughts kept seeming to arise. Was he slowly going insane? His thoughts swirled inside his mind like a vortex of perpetual doom. The storm was coming.

Eddward heard the gym door open as someone else entered. The students were allowed to use the school's gym while school was out for breaks. Their student ID's worked as key cards to track who came and went and it made it harder for anyone to damage equipment without getting caught. Eddward continued to lift the weight. His arms were getting sore, but he kept pushing on. A pair of hands appeared under the bar.

"I don't require a spotter. Please go about your business." Eddward said nonchalantly.

"You sure? I don't mind."

Eddward froze, he would never forget that voice. Even when he tried his hardest to forget he always remembered that voice. It plagued his dreams in the dead of the night. It caused him panic attacks that startled him awake and sent him down a dangerous and destructive path of self-hatred and mutilation. This was the voice that changed him. This was the moment he'd been waiting for. It had been two and a half years.

"Hello, Jensen." Eddward said.


End file.
